Chapter 26
A cab has been called and my bags have been packed. Now all I have to do is leave. It’s the hardest part. I’m shaking, I can’t
think straight. I’m trying hard to regain some sense of control by being pragmatic.
I’ll go to the Edinburgh Airport and figure out the soonest I can fly back to Wisconsin.
I’m sure there’s a nearby hotel I can stay at if I can’t get a flight within the next twelve hours.
Tomorrow I’ll write Beverly an email apologizing for my early departure. I’ll send a message to Caro.
When I get home, I’ll bury myself in writing and getting ready for college.
I can survive this.
I can survive this.
My suitcase bounces and tips on the cobblestones.
I have to lift the hem of my dress to stop from stepping on it.
My heavy backpack irritates the skin on my shoulder with every slippage.
I keep moving despite these small difficulties.
I keep moving despite the ache in my chest that’s becoming so painful it hurts to breathe.
“Hannah,” a faraway voice cries out. I hear running and then a louder “Hannah! ”
I’m under an old-fashioned streetlamp at the bridge. I should pretend I can’t hear him. I should cross it without a word.
But that isn’t who I am.
“I called a cab,” I shout to Finn as he runs toward me. “It’ll be here soon. I just have to get past the gate.”
His hair is a mess, like he’s been running his fingers through it in all directions. His eyes are wild, his face full of the
same shock I felt when I saw him kissing Beatrice.
“But why are you going?” he says, out of breath. “What did my father say to you?”
His father? That conversation feels like it happened a million years ago. I right my suitcase so it’ll stand on its own, and let my backpack
fall onto it. He has no idea what I saw. “You think I’m leaving because of something your dad said?”
“Aren’t you?” he asks. The whites of his eyes are bloodshot, threatening tears. I want him to pull me to him, to tell me it’s
all a mistake.
He takes a step closer. “Why else would you be leaving so suddenly? Ethel told me—”
“Ethel doesn’t know why I’m leaving,” I point out.
The depth of his betrayal—especially knowing what I’ve gone through with Gigi and Dean—boils up and over.
Pointing a finger and glaring with every ounce of humiliated anger I’ve got, I practically yell, “You. You are the reason I’m going, you lying, cheating—”
“Hold on, wait.” He looks genuinely surprised. His eyes close and something akin to relief passes over him. “No, Hannah, sweetheart,
did you see us in the library? Beatrice thought she wanted to get back together with me and tried to kiss me, but I obviously
pulled away and told her my heart was with someone else. I don’t want her. I want you. I choose you. I promise nothing happened
other than Beatrice making a move I absolutely refuted. You can ask her—we can go ask her together, you’ll see—”
His words are jumbled in my mind, and I have to arrange them and rearrange them to see how what he’s saying versus what I
saw makes sense. The explanation, his promise of having Beatrice verify everything, settles. My shoulders drop. Of course
I believe him. The Finn I’ve grown to know, grown to love, wouldn’t betray me.
I choose you.
The echo of the words he said to me the night in Stratford, he meant them.
And that’s why this is all that much harder.
That much more unfair. Because it doesn’t change what I’m going to do tonight.
What I promised Tina I’d do. The mixed-up emotions in my chest, in my throat and eyes and limbs, all tighten and release, coming out in jagged sobs. I don’t want to say goodbye.
“No, darling, don’t cry.” Finn cradles my cheek in his hand and wipes away a tear with his thumb. The gesture is familiar,
comforting, and it’s absolutely wrecking me. He smiles sadly at me and says, “It’s all right now. It was a mistake. You just
saw something out of context. I never want to lie to you. I never want to upset you.”
“It isn’t just Beatrice,” I whisper, trying to catch my breath.
“What did my father say to you at the ball?” He pulls me into his chest and wraps me in the safest embrace. “He can be an
icy wanker, I know. Don’t worry about him. We can be together. I’ll tell my parents to piss off. We can stop sneaking around.”
“No, Finn,” I push away. I can’t succumb to this. Yes, this moment is easy, it’s beautiful, but it isn’t real. The longer
I live in it, the worse this is going to be. I have to cut this off now. “It isn’t just Beatrice, and it isn’t just your father—it’s
all of it. This isn’t possible. Our lives, our goals—nothing aligns. Better to end it now than to fall for you any further.”
“But—”
I see my words “fall for you any further” permeate. He takes in their sweetness, their truth, and combines it with the other truth I’ve just uttered.
We need to end this.
“It’s over.” The words come out resolute. “Goodbye, Finn.”
I walk away under the moonlit sky, sure this separation will kill me. I want to sink into the dusty ground and cry until there
are no more tears. Instead, I pass through the gate and find the cab waiting to take me away from Inveresk Castle. Away from
Finn.