Chapter Seventeen #2
“You wouldn’t be you if you weren’t so damn reckless,” he says with a faint smile.
“It’s part of what I love about you. And I won’t pretend that everything’s better, that a week of intense therapy is enough to fix that part of me.
I’ve got a long way to go, and this won’t be my only mistake.
But the difference between us, Ev, is that you didn’t know.
I’m the one who knew that you’ve never trusted anyone to be in your life long enough to properly love you, and I’m the one who knew how badly walking away would hurt you.
Yet I did it anyway, and I am so bloody sorry. ”
He cups my face now, inching closer as his thumb brushes my cheek and his dark eyes lock on mine.
“I’m permanent,” he promises, his voice barely a whisper, but there’s an unyielding strength to it that makes everything he says unshakable.
“I was from the moment we first spoke. I simply didn’t want to scare you away.
But now I’m afraid I’ve done it anyway, so—there it is.
I’m yours, endlessly and for eternity. Always on the good days, but especially the bad.
Whether you’ll still have me or not—and I wouldn’t blame you for not trusting me to stay, not after this—I’ll be here for you regardless.
I had a glimpse of what my life would be like without you, and it’s no life at all, Ev.
Certainly no life I’m interested in, and I refuse to live it. ”
He takes my hand gently, threading his fingers through mine, never with enough strength to prevent me from pulling away if I need to. Or want to. But I don’t.
“In whatever capacity you’ll have me, I am here,” he whispers, his gaze pleading now. “I will always be here. I am yours. I am yours.”
I’m trembling again, and I don’t know why, but it’s uncontrollable, and I feel like all the blood has been drained from my body.
This is what I’ve wanted since the moment he walked away in Balmoral—everything so exactly right that part of me wonders if I’m still on the plane, and this is a dream.
A cruel, tragic dream I never want to wake up from.
Everything in me screams to kiss him, to let this end and to let things go back to the way they were before, but they’ll never be like that again.
Not completely, no matter how hard Kit and I try to pretend.
Pain lives between us now, shading every moment, unavoidable and no longer something we can ignore.
And if I say okay, if I kiss him and throw my arms around him and move on like everything is fine, then that pain will continue to fester within us until something unfixable breaks.
I can’t hurt him like that. I love him too much to put him through that kind of agony ever again, and he clearly loves me too much to let that pain get in the way of us being together. Which means there’s only one thing I can do.
“I need to tell you something,” I say, my voice thick with tears. Astrid is going to kill me for undoubtedly ruining my makeup with minutes to go before the interview, but I can’t find it in me to care. “Two things, actually.”
“Anything,” he says. “Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter—”
“My mom and dad are getting married,” I whisper, because it does matter. It’s everything I’ve been worried about since I found out that their supposed one-night stand was actually a once-in-a-lifetime love. “As soon as his divorce goes through. Which means…”
I trail off. I can see it in the way Kit’s gaze grows distant for a moment that he knows exactly what it all means.
“Okay,” he finally says, squeezing my hand again.
“We’ll just have to figure it out then, yeah?
I know we haven’t really discussed it, but—I’d like a family someday, if you would, too.
Not immediately, of course, but I don’t care who our potential children grow up to be.
And if it means getting to spend my life with you—”
“That’s not—” I can barely force out the words.
“That’s not what I’m afraid of, Kit. I don’t know if I want kids, but if I decide I do, you’re the only person I’d want to have them with.
” I exhale sharply. “I told Constance everything. About Ben, I mean, and all he’s done.
Everything from—from Jasper and the video to the shooting and the Abr and the bombing and the Regal Record, and the article he wrote about…
” I shake my head. “Nicholas and Helene backed me up, and she kicked Ben out of Balmoral. And banned him from every royal property in the UK.”
Kit gapes at me. “Constance? Really?”
“Really. She even gave me Poppy—the puppy—as an apology,” I say. His stare is too intense now, too hopeful, and I fix mine on our joined hands instead. “There’s a chance we might never have to worry about Ben again, with the Abr gone and Dylan in the wind. But…”
“But,” says Kit slowly, “there’s a bigger chance he’ll never stop, and that we—and later our potential children—will be his main targets.”
I nod, still not looking at him, but when I open my mouth to speak again, he stands long enough to sit on the bed and wrap his arms around my shoulders.
“Then we’ll keep fighting until we know it’s over,” he says into my hair. “I won’t let him hurt you again, or our family, real or hypothetical. Whatever it takes, we’ll do it.”
But I can hear the strain in his voice, and I know what this promise is costing him.
The panic attacks, the pain, the memories, the knowledge of what he could lose at any moment—all because of my recklessness.
All because bringing Ben to justice is more important to me than making sure the person I love most is happy and healthy and whole.
I can’t put Kit through that anymore. Not if I want to live with myself, and not if I want to be the partner he needs and deserves.
“No, Kit. It’s over,” I whisper, and the words cut through me like a scythe.
But I will never let anything short of fate get between Kit and me again, and Prince Benedict of York is not fate.
“You were right. It’s time for me to start trusting our security and MI5 to do their jobs, and that means letting them handle Ben.
All I want now is to forget he ever existed and live the rest of my life with you. ”
Kit goes still beside me, so still that for a moment, I think he’s even stopped breathing. “You’re sure?” he whispers into my hair, and I nod.
“Positive.”
He shifts beside me and brushes his lips against mine in the sweetest, softest kiss he’s ever given me. “Okay,” he says. “I love you, Evangeline. More than my own life.”
The way he says it feels ominous, and I kiss him back, wrapping my arms around him until I’m not sure I can let go. “I love you, too. Always on the good days,” I whisper, echoing his earlier words, “but especially the bad.”
At last there’s no ignoring Astrid’s incessant knocks, and we reluctantly part.
But before Kit unlocks the door, he offers me his hand, and I take it.
Things between us won’t always be perfect.
This is just the first step in a healing process that might very well take years.
But as long as I’m with Kit, life will always be better.
And I never want to be without him again.