Chapter 48
forty-eight
ASTRID
Essays clouded my view. I stacked double-spaced disasters separately from the ones I knew I’d enjoy, breaking them up by name. I knew who would get a few lovely comments, one or two critical comments, and those who would hurt my hand. I was organised. Parker had his protocol. Neither of us got in the other’s flow. We only met to work through them here in public. In private, we were too distracted.
Last night, an innocent attempt to mark essays ended in shagging on his kitchen table. It was so pointless. I couldn’t stand to be in a room alone with him without thinking something terrible.
“Briggs asked to see me. I’m worried.”
Parker shrugged. “I’m sure it’s fine.”
Why was he not freaking out? I was crawling out of my skin—unable to focus on anything until I got answers. Was I about to be sacked? My marks were fine, and I thought my performance was good, but I was always my biggest critic.
“What if I am in trouble?”
“You’re such a good girl; there’s no way that’s true,” Parker said .
I stared at him in disbelief before looking around. “Parker!”
“Shit. I really should watch my mouth. I blame it on pure exhaustion.”
“Why didn’t you sleep last night?”
“Are you asking me, Astrid? You know.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s not like we pulled an all-nighter.”
“I was referring to the 3 AM wake-up,” he whispered.
I threw my hair over my shoulder. “Oh. Well, I slept fine.”
“Of course you did, princess.”
I snickered. “I’m going to drop by and see if he is there. Please pray for me.”
“If I believed in God, I would. You’ll be fine, Astrid. Remember, you’re exceptional.”
I blushed.
“Good girl.”
I flicked him off where no one could see and turned to go down the hall, a smile soon fading to a nervous gaze. Briggs’s door was slightly open. I knocked.
“Yes?”
“It’s Astrid, Dr Briggs.”
“Oh, come in, come in!”
I stepped into his office. Briggs’s space looked typically academic—the actual aesthetic apart from what you saw on television. Most academics looked like Parker or Briggs—white men with questionable fashion sense. Their offices were rarely large or pristine. Briggs’s domain was reasonably sized if you dodged messy piles of journal articles, essays, and well-loved books. Parker’s was unique in its impeccably organised presentation.
“Should I close the door?”
“Just a crack.”
Sitting in the old, leather-covered chair across from his desk, I did as I was told.
“Astrid, is everything alright?”
Voice quiet, I answered, “Depends on what you are about to say. ”
“Oh, this is good news! Promise!”
Sighing in relief, I relaxed my shoulders.
“Astrid, your performance in the program is top-notch. The faculty are surprised by your progress. You are doing well across the board. While some worried about tasking you with such an important teaching assignment, I never was.”
“Why, Dr Briggs?”
“Because your transcript was maths, maths, maths, and I knew you and Parker would be a good match. He’s our best mentor, even if he’s a difficult nut to crack.”
“Parker is…”
Amazing, sometimes an asshole, sexy as hell, and my favourite person here . I couldn’t say any of it.
“Parker helped me figure out coursework, and our combined work is good.”
“It is, yes. I like to throw my students off the deep end. I chose you because your recommendations praised your utter dominance academically. I figured you could take the heat. However, I don’t think we ever anticipated how much of a dent you’d make here.”
“Really?”
“Yes. We always have a star student or two in a cohort who blows the competition away. That is why I’d like to invite you to join me on the doctoral course next academic year.”
I gaped. “Sir… I… um…”
“It would be a great waste to lose you. You’re a first-year postgrad who has one publication and another coming. Your future is bright. I anticipate your dissertation will generate another such publication, and you’ll thrive.”
“Must I… accept it, or can I think about it?”
“I seriously hope you consider it. The application for teaching and research placement will close at the end of January, so make sure to file before then. You do not need to worry about recommendations. They can give you the form in the office.”
“I will… give it thought,” I said. “Thank you. ”
Briggs’s words were kind. Despite that, I sat back with Parker and burst into tears. The fear of change overwhelmed me. I promised to come home. Now, I wanted to stay. Briggs offered me an out from royal life, but I knew I’d never be able to take it. Freedom was so close but always so far.
“What is going on?” Parker ran around the table to sit by me.
“Briggs wants me to stay for my PhD.”
Parker threw out the rules momentarily, pulling me close. It was instinct. Neither of us could hold back.
“Why is that upsetting, Astrid?”
“Because… I want to,” I said. “And I cannot.”
“Why not?”
“Because… you know why. I’m trapped. I need to go home to help Alex and the little girls. And… I cannot shirk. It’s unfair, Parker. You know this.”
“I know, but I asked my Dad, and he told me to do it. I don’t regret it, Astrid. It would break my heart not to see you meet your potential as a scholar.”
I pulled back and looked at him. “You knew what he was up to, didn’t you?”
Parker chuckled, wiping the tears from my chin. “Yeah, I did. He asked my opinion. It was fucking awkward, but… I gave it to him. Honestly, you’re a gifted researcher, a patient instructor, and smart as a whip. You deserve to stay. You came in with a decent thesis idea—what they expect of a doctoral student—and you’ve earned this more than anyone, Astrid.”
His words hurt—in a good way. Aware Parker was honest to a fault—incapable of sparing my feelings—I trusted his words. If I deserved to be here, it was worse. I couldn’t. This was terminal. I had to go home, which meant leaving him.
“Look, it’s term break. You have ten essays left, by the looks of it. Wrap that up, think about it, and talk to your sister. Deep breaths, Astrid,” Parker said.
“I shouldn’t sit here and ugly cry,” I said .
“You shouldn’t cry over this. It’s a good thing. Be proud of yourself, Astrid. I am,” Parker said.
My heart swelled. I wanted to tell him I loved him. Instead, I squeezed his knee under the table. Parker looked around before leaning in to give me a quick forehead kiss—the thing he knew made me weak. I loved him for it.