Chapter 54
fifty-four
ASTRID
“Dinner was nice.”
“It was,” I admitted. “Nicer, still, we’re here while everyone else is elsewhere.”
“Few things better than being in bed with you in front of a fire in supreme quiet, Astrid.”
Parker kissed me, his lips slowly pressing against mine. I kissed back harder, pulling him closer. We were in absolute comfort with bodies wrapped together. We had the Christmas Eve dinner Rick upon. He and Alexandra retired. The little girls elected to stay up all night watching television. Parker and I ducked out, racing to spend the night in bed shagging endlessly. After a good round one for the evening, we cuddled in bed.
“You always do such a big thing on Christmas Eve?”
I shook my head. “That’s new. Sort of Rick’s thing.”
“So, what did you do before that?”
I swallowed hard, unsure what to say—too embarrassed to admit it hadn’t been much of anything for years. I debated telling him or holding it in. Looking at his sweet eyes, it was hard to deny him the truth .
“She ruined Christmas, too?”
Parker knew. He read it on my face.
I nodded.
Parker brushed my cheek with his thumb and cupped my face.
“You don’t need to feel bad about it. Celeste—the other day—it was horrendous. I am so grateful that you’re rid of her. And proud of you all for making your way in the world. You’re a unit.”
“An annoying one, no doubt,” I chuckled.
He shook his head. “No. Your sisters are a lot, but they are so lovely, too. I never had that. Carolyn and I are worlds apart. Ashleigh acts like a baby. You and Alexandra raised them.”
“So much is different for them—versus us. Odie and Ingy don’t remember the before times. They cannot recall Mamma and our life then. They’ll never know how much Mamma loved Papa or how much she did for us. She made everything normal even when Papa struggled.”
“He struggled?”
“He had a debilitating mental illness. And, as I understand now, Celeste contributed to it. Living here was hell for him. Royal life was difficult, and… sometimes I worry about my demons taking me there. It sounds mad, I know.”
Parker slowly kissed my forehead—lovingly, tenderly brushing me with his lips. He understood something that I hadn’t spelt out. My previous life—the life I never talked about or gave any credence to when speaking to outsiders—was miserable. And yet, here I didn’t have to say it. Was this what having a soulmate felt like?
“Given how awful she is, I can understand why he’d feel like that.”
“You knew?”
“I expected someone like my mother—petty, manipulative, and sometimes mean-spirited. I assumed she might not be overly maternal. And yet, she was so much worse than I ever imagined. She was cruel. Watching her openly dress your sister down about Linnea told me everything. Anyone who would say such a thing about a baby is a monster. ”
“She tortured us. We sheltered the Odie and Ingy—tried to do our best.”
“You were the maternal figures,” Parker said. “You spoiled them in all the right ways. They want to be like you, Astrid. They look up to you and need you—probably always will. But it’s beautiful in a way. No one comes to me for anything but money.”
“Well, Alexandra?—”
Parker cut me off. “It’s different. Yes, we have that in common. But what I wouldn’t give to be called for something like a fashion emergency or just… someone missing me.”
“I never thought about that,” I admitted. “They only talk to you about money. You know my family a lot more than I know yours.”
“I prefer it.”
“Maybe it’s good. We are chaotic and needy. And Rick can be an overprotective asshole.”
“No, Astrid. It’s sweet—a gift, as I said. And… it’s good Rick wants you all to have happy lives.”
“His family is wonderful,” I said. “You can tell. It’s a miracle any of us are okay. I mean—not extremely fucked up.”
He chuckled. “We’re both a little fucked up. Anyone willing to live in the academy is a bit off.”
I smiled. “Am I in then?”
“You are in if I have any say. I don’t, but people like Briggs do. And he’s right. You deserve to be in the club.”
Parker kissed me slowly. He held me so close. I was thrilled to be lying here and kissing him, our bodies pressed so close and at peace. I was safe here.
“I don’t want to be unhappy,” Parker said. “I want better for myself—for my family. When Dad died, it all fell apart. Mum hasn’t been the same. Christmas never amounts to much—no holiday does. Ashleigh stays with her mates in London because it’s less depressing. Carolyn beats her feelings down. Thankfully, she has Fred’s parents, too.”
“I’m sorry, Parker.”
“No, I sense I had many happier holidays than you ever did, love. It’s okay. I want to build something good—hopefully with someone who cares. And maybe that’s you? Maybe it’s not… but I want to give it a shot. After a few short months, I’ve gotten closer to you than anyone in years. You get me.”
I couldn’t believe what he was saying. Here was the man who rarely said more than a curt word unless he had something of substance to contribute or argue about. Here was the Dickish Duke—now transformed into this divine, lovely soul. I was putty now, burying my face in his chest. Parker held me tighter, sensing I wanted reassurance.
“I don’t know what it is,” I said. “But I don’t want to give up. I trust you, Parker. It may have started as sex, but I opened up because I knew you listened to me. You never wanted to hurt me.”
“Never. There were times I wished you would have stopped being so fucking perfect and good at everything. But now, I love you even more for it. I admire you.”
Admire me . I swooned at the mere thought that a man—particularly this grumpy man—could admire me.
“Briggs put us together because he hoped we might understand one another,” Parker explained. “I wanted to prove just how different we were. I thought we had nothing in common. Now, I realise there is so much there.”
“Our dads,” I said quietly. “Our emotionally unavailable caretakers?”
“That and the pressure of marriage and swimming in an antiquated fishbowl. Life in the aristocracy is weird. So outdated. We’re both just nerds. Can’t they just let us be nerds and forget the titles?”
I giggled. “That would be wonderful. You’re a curmudgeon who hates social occasions. Somehow, despite your grumpiness, Parker, I feel everything with you. I dunno. I trust it will be okay. But I get it. I want better, too. For me, for them, for all of us. And I don’t know how to find that nerdy slice of quiet, but I want to try. If you’re game?”
“I am. We’ll have it,” Parker said. “I believe it, Astrid.”