Chapter 58
fifty-eight
ASTRID
Briggs met me in his office, excited to discuss my transition to the doctoral program—or something like it. I was prepared and happy to sign my letter of intent. However, Briggs offered something else. Unfortunately, this offer would sharply depart from what I had planned. I wanted to transition to the doctoral program and stay with Parker—growing whatever budding happiness we’d built. I wanted more of what I had. I wasn’t looking for more than that.
“I know you came here to sign your letter. I was excited to see that, Astrid.”
“I am excited about it, too,” I bubbled.
“Unfortunately, I cannot be the one to do that—anymore.”
My face dropped. “What did I do?”
“Oh, Astrid, it is nothing you did. It is what I did. And despite that, I am not here to leave you hanging.”
I cocked my head, confused.
“I accepted an offer at Edinburgh. It’s a promotion,” Briggs said. “And as a condition, I cannot take on more graduate students here. Most of mine are graduating this year—notably Parker Westfall. His defence?— ”
“I know. It’s coming up,” I said. “He’s nervous.”
“I am so glad the two of you figured it out and get on now. He always speaks well of you.”
If only you knew what we’d been up to two hours ago or planned to get up to later!
“I am, too,” I said.
“Astrid, I have spots for students and will be very selective with who I take. You have two choices. You can stay on and sign your letter with another faculty member who will pull you into their service. You can build a new committee around that person and develop a new thesis idea. Alternatively, you can follow me to Edinburgh. I will have more resources there. You’d be a big fish. I highly encourage you to follow me.”
That was easy for him to say! He had no idea that my life was here . I wasn’t just any postgrad. I was a postgrad with a boyfriend who loved me. And that boyfriend couldn’t just up and move to Edinburgh! Choosing my career meant potentially losing Parker. I didn’t want to choose. It was horrendous.
“I will give you some time to think about it, alright?”
I knew that with Briggs going, my entire thesis topic would change. No one else studied social policy. I’d have to switch to public opinion or international political economy—neither was my first or even third choice.
“This is a generous offer,” I said. “And I appreciate you telling me. However, I do not know if I want to leave Shalestone.”
“I know,” Briggs said sincerely. “But, Astrid, I highly encourage you to take this next step. I see great things for you in the academy. You are gifted. I appreciate your contributions—we all do. Parker’s about-face on you speaks volumes.”
If only you knew how much he loved me! If only you knew what pain this would cause!
I nodded. “I very much appreciate your confidence in me. I will mull it over.”
“I’ve not said anything to others yet—outside the chair and senior faculty—so I’d appreciate it if you were discreet. ”
I nodded. “None of the others know? Not even Parker?”
“No,” Briggs answered. “I’ll tell him next week.”
I couldn’t hide this from Parker that long. I knew I’d crack. He had a right to know, didn’t he? I knew Parker would be gutted.
“I will keep it under wraps,” I packed off.
Leaving, I felt like my life ended. I went home to get dressed for dinner, which I now dreaded. I’d be lying to Parker either way. I longed to tell him. I knew he couldn’t just pick up and move, but maybe he’d be okay with something long-distance. I wasn’t sure I was, but we could try. I didn’t want to lose him.
“Hey darling,” Amara dipped into my bathroom.
I looked over from applying makeup.
“Why do you look so sad, Astrid? Wasn’t this the big day?”
“It was a big day, yes. However, it was a bad day. It went south quick.”
“How?”
“The University of Edinburgh poached my advisor. So, my choices are either to change my thesis prospectus idea in the next few weeks or to follow him.”
“Pros and cons?” Amara was good for a pro-con list.
“Pros: it’s a better comparative public policy program, and I think Edinburgh would be a fun place to live. Negatives: it’s bloody freezing, and I will have to leave all of you.”
“Parker, too,” Amara said.
“Parker and you, especially. Amara?—”
“I’m graduating soon enough, darling. This is at least another three years of your life.”
“But you’ll stay in London. London and Edinburgh are so far away!”
“It’s fine. There are trains and planes. I am your ride-or-die. I will always be there for you, Astrid.”
“People always say that.”
Amara turned me, taking my shoulders, and shook her head.
“Astrid, you’re unforgettable! I couldn’t just ignore you. I know you’ve lost so many people in your life. I hate that for you, but I will not desert you, darling. You have left an indelible mark on me.”
“And Parker? He’s a proper grown-up.”
“So are you! A grown-up with a job. A grown-up doing amazing research who is finally getting her chance to shine. Astrid, if he loves you, you’ll figure it out. If it’s meant to be, it will work. What I don’t want you to do is let this dull your sparkle. Do not make choices based on the whims of a man!”
“You sound like…”
“You?” Amara laughed. “As it stands, Parker is moving out, and I’m moving in with Niall. I was worried to tell you.”
“Seriously? You barely?—”
“We have been fooling around mercilessly for the past few weeks. We’ve been playing cat and mouse all year. It’s mad, but I’ll give it a shot.”
“You bitch! You never told me!” I giggled.
“Sorry, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend—properly—in London. I want to give it a go.”
I hugged Amara tight, tears welling.
“You know you need to go to Edinburgh, darling. You know that, right?”
I nodded. “But what good will I be to Parker?”
“He loves you to bits, darling. You are good for him for so many reasons. Give him a chance.”