Chapter 16
Ruben
I could take snowboarding or leave it. It didn’t make much difference to me.
The best thing about snowboarding was that I had done it with Shane.
The time he had spent with me on the slopes was the best since .
. . I don’t know. I couldn’t remember the last time I had done something just because I was in the mood for it.
Except for cooking. And even though cooking was a team effort, it was still lonely sometimes.
When you mixed the same sauce day after day. Over and over again, without allowing it to change, because that was exactly the sauce the guests expected on the menu. It was perfection if you managed exactly that. But it was also . . . lonely.
Tumbling down the slope with Shane had felt like an adrenaline shot.
As I plated up and sent out dishes in the kitchen, I thought again about the tingling sensation in my stomach when I managed to push myself to take a turn. That flutter in my stomach as I passed the apex and surrendered to the slope of the mountain and the pull of the valley.
The same sensation I got when Shane touched me.
It was nice to slide parallel to the mountain and not let Shane get close to me.
But opening myself up and becoming vulnerable, aligning my board that I surrendered control to the forces of physics, sent a rush through me that I had never experienced before.
And contrary to my fears, Shane hadn’t rushed away and waved goodbye. He had stayed by my side. He cheered me on, gave me tips, caught me. Even when I finally crashed into him at full speed.
I controlled the dispenser on the dressing bottle and positioned it over the next row of plates.
With a mixture of control, muscle memory, precision, and a light touch, I distributed the five drops of dressing behind the baby spinach. Exactly five. Not four, not six. If it were six, I might as well throw the plate away. It would never be sent out.
Highly focused, but without actually thinking about it, I set the table. Like a precision worker, I assembled my plates to identical perfection.
After all, you eat with your eyes first. And not only did they eat, they evaluated, they judged. And the owner of those eyes then paid.
I only noticed that I had been on my feet for fourteen hours because the orders were slowly becoming fewer and the dessert station was approaching the peak of the evening.
I no longer noticed the shouting around me. At that moment, Connie’s mood was none of my concern. I had gotten my fair and deserved punishment three hours ago. Now it was someone else’s turn.
I straightened up and struggled to suppress a groan. The tension in my back had hardened into stone.
Would Shane want to go out with me again sometime?
To be on the safe side, I went through the orders again.
Of course, I hadn’t missed any. Slowly, I allowed myself a sigh of relief that evening.
But only secretly. I would never let my head chef see that I was only half mentally present while cleaning my station.
My body took care of the rest. It longed for an extended cuddle and fuck session with Shane.
The order didn’t matter. The main thing was that I could be with him.
If he wanted to.
I hastily gathered my utensils. As beautiful as Shane’s words had been, he had only spoken of the past.
He had wanted me. He would have given us a chance. He had wanted to see where things were going. He hadn’t talked about the present.
When I had returned to the cabin the day before, Shane had already fallen asleep.
It was hardly surprising, given all the drinking and lack of sleep. Still, I had been equally disappointed and relieved.
I had hoped that we would pick up where we had left off. On the other hand, I wasn’t sure where we stood.
The overwhelming emotion was still that I wanted to be with Shane.
My tidying up became faster and faster.
“Are you coming, Ruben?” Torin, our potager, wanted to know.
“Where?” I hadn’t understood what he was talking about.
“We’re going to sit together for a while. And relax.” He had lowered his voice slightly with the last words. But I wasn’t in the mood for that kind of relaxation.
“Not today,” I replied.
I couldn’t get home fast enough.
When I arrived at our cabin a short time later, I was disappointed. Although it was long after the lifts had closed, there was no sign of Shane.
Indecisive, I played with my phone. I opened his contact in the chat. Closed the conversation thread again. Opened it and finally threw my phone on my bed.
After my shower, I sat with my notebook, pad, pencils, and laptop.
I would wait. And use the time.
While I was writing down the ingredients for a vegan meatloaf sauce, Shane burst through the door.
“Oh damn, thank goodness you’re here.”
I pushed the paper away and sat up. “Hey. What’s up?”
“Argh.” He hung up his clothes and flopped down across my bed. “What’s all this? Are you busy?” He turned his head toward me and smiled.
I stretched around me and gathered my papers.
“They’re just notes. Recipes. Tips. Ideas.”
Shane reached out his hand and took my foot. The papers in my hand rustled. I gripped them tighter so they wouldn’t slip out of my hand.
“Looks cozy. You remind me of a cute bird in a nest, making itself comfortable with its leaves.”
I shook my head and laughed. “Ha, ha.” I put everything on the little table next to me and my foot slipped out of his hand.
I slowly sank back onto the mattress.
“Where have you been all this time?” I hastily ran my hand over my head. Was that question appropriate? Had I crossed a line?
Shane ran his hand along my shin. “I think I should take a shower.”
I stretched out my leg, which brought Shane’s hand to my thigh.
“Hmm. Or I could stay here,” he continued, and I laughed. Half helplessly. Half relieved.
“Stay. I haven’t seen you all day.” Damn. That was too clingy.
“Come here. I was thinking about you too. Why didn’t you wake me up yesterday? I was looking forward to seeing you.”
My heart galloped briefly. It skipped a beat. It pushed forward again and stumbled once more.
“Okay.” I was so very eloquent.
“Anyway, I was in Deeroak today. The family I was traveling with invited me to dinner.”
“Was it good?”
“It was good. Not as good as your food, but it was cool.”
I slid further down and Shane turned around that we were lying next to each other in bed. My hands wandered into his hair as if by themselves. I loved running my fingers through his tousled blond locks. Letting them slide through my fingers.
Shane tilted his head back slightly and lay back into my touch. I grabbed hold more firmly and scratched his scalp. He hummed contentedly.
“Where did you guys eat in Deeroak? I only know a few of the hotels there. Somehow, I don’t get around as much as I had planned.” I scratched his head lightly, and Shane slid closer to me.
“The restaurant is called Prince and Pauper. It was relatively fancy. But the staff was pretty relaxed. We even didn’t stand out in our ski clothes. We did stand out, but no one took offense.”
“I’ve heard of P and P!” I exclaimed. “It’s supposed to have great food. Authentic, organic, local, down-to-earth, and high-quality.”
Shane rolled onto his back. “I enjoyed it.”
I gazed at him and he grinned broadly at me.
“In any case, I’m pretty exhausted. How was your day?” he asked with a big yawn.
“Even though I worked almost fifteen hours today, it’s nice here. They make sure that these long shifts aren’t the norm. Often, that’s a given. Sometimes, it’s not so bad. But I don’t think it’s great all the time.”
Shane stroked my side and I had trouble concentrating on his question. I was busy simultaneously sucking in my stomach, lying down more sideways so as not to appear too chubby, and struggling to appear as relaxed as possible.
“No. That doesn’t sound easy.” Shane pulled me closer to him. “But now you can completely relax. This is the ultimate comfort zone.” He held me tighter and enveloped me in his Shane scent.
Yes. Wrapped in his arms was an absolute comfort zone. Warm, strong, gentle. Heaven. I even forgot to worry about anything.
Almost.
“Did you hook up with that guy from the beach?” Except for that kind of nonsense. It dripped from my mouth. “Forget it. It’s none of my business.”
Shane paused for a moment, hesitated briefly, and finally slid his hand under my T-shirt. He slowly traced circles on my bare skin while I cursed myself and my stupid mouth.
“No. I won’t forget. We’ll have to talk about it, eventually. We might as well do it now.”
I groaned. “I don’t want to talk.” Especially not about who Shane had been involved with.
“I know that,” Shane growled against my neck. “Still, we need to address this.” He grabbed my shirt with both hands and pulled it over my head.
“What are you doing?”
“We’re going to talk now!” Shane grumbled as he ran his hands over my chest. He stroked one nipple with his thumb. He twirled the other with his other hand.
I inhaled sharply. “Is that how you want to talk?”
“I have a feeling you’re more receptive when your senses are stimulated.”
“Are you sure about that?” I replied. What was I supposed to be receptive to? Except Shane.
“It’s worth a try. You avoid me on the phone. When we talk with our clothes on, you find excuses and run away.”
“Shane!” I tried to protest again. I wanted to defend myself against the accusations. I wanted to counter him with something. I wanted . . . I wanted Shane more.
“You asked a question, now let me answer.”
I had nothing more to say, anyway.
“I’m not going to lie to you. I wasn’t celibate during the fall.”
Hearing that hurt. I pressed my lips together and closed my eyes.
It wasn’t surprising at all, and I didn’t blame Shane in the slightest. It was just that I had been busy for months dealing with the breakup with Shane and finding myself.
I hadn’t been interested in other guys at all.
Unfortunately. How I would love to fuck my problems away.