Chapter 18
Ruben
“Hey, Ruben. Pass the guacamole over here!”
Pass the guacamole over here. Seriously?
“Sure thing, Chloe. Maybe over the dancers?”
Chloe doubled over with laughter. “Come on. I’m not getting up. And the tortilla chips are here.”
What a bunch of peasants. My team and I had worked our butts off to conjure up the perfect amuse-bouche. And some smartass had brought chips and put them on the table.
This guacamole was made from the finest ingredients, and the toasted bread to go with it was right there. Peasants. I would never be able to change these people.
Adriel came up to me and held out his hand. “I’ll give it to her.” Before he turned away, he briefly grabbed my upper arm. “Thanks for all this, Ruben. You guys outdid yourselves.”
“Thank you, Adriel, I appreciate that.” I didn’t need recognition for my work. But it felt good when someone said something about it. Fuck it. I obviously wanted the recognition.
He tilted his head slightly. “Relax. It’s fine here. You’re not here as a caterer. You’re a guest too. Have fun. It’s your party too.”
The small staff party, a spontaneous decision for which we had had barely twenty-four hours to prepare, was buzzing. Everyone who was free was dancing, eating, sitting in small groups and chatting.
Adriel was right, of course. The chefs weren’t the ones who initiated the party, nor were we officially hired to cook for them. Torin had no problem doing nothing for once. Which was his prerogative. Just like mine. Unfortunately, I couldn’t flip a switch and do the same.
George came bouncing over to us with a beer bottle and a big grin.
“Where did you get that?” Adriel asked.
Our caretaker winked at him. “I have my ways. This IPA is incredibly delicious, I can’t give away my supply that easily. Most people here can’t tell the difference between stale brew from their red plastic cups and award-winning craft beer. If you ask me nicely, I’ll be happy to give you some.”
“Let me get rid of this bowl first,” Adriel said, handing the guacamole to George.
Adriel turned to Chloe, and George already had his hand out as if he wanted to put it on Adriel’s back. But at the last moment, he pulled it back.
I understood George. Adriel was cute.
Not as hot and seductive as my roommate, but I could understand the temptation. Thinking of Shane, my gaze wandered over the crowd.
As expected, he was the center of attention at the party. Women, men, and people of all genders hung on his every word.
His full, smiling lips. I wanted to sigh loudly.
It was the same scene at every party. The little group stood at the edge of the dance floor and talked about whatever.
A girl danced up behind him, and Shane immediately fell into her rhythm without interrupting his conversation with the others. They both moved to the beat of the music, swaying their hips.
By now, she was glued to him, and then Matt came up from the front and made a sandwich with Shane’s dance partner. Shane tried to exchange a few more words over his head, but eventually the group burst into laughter, and he devoted himself to his dance project.
Shane had put one arm around the dancer in front of him and swung the other back around the girl.
My sigh, which I couldn’t let go of, nearly choked me. I didn’t mind partying. But I couldn’t imagine being the center of attention.
I watched Shane laughing, enjoying the hustle and bustle, completely absorbed in the party.
I was happy for him. That was what made him who he was.
That carefree attitude. He trusted that everyone was taken care of, because no one would go hungry or thirsty.
I knew that—and yet something held me back from doing what I wanted to do.
To throw myself onto the dance floor with him and show everyone that we belonged together.
It wasn’t what I wanted. It was more of what I thought might work. What certainly wasn’t ideal was standing at the other end of the room like a desperate teenager, pining for the object of his desire.
I couldn’t even be angry at his dance partners. No one was stopping me from doing the same. No one except my brain, which had lowered my self-doubt like a barrier in front of my need to rush after Shane.
You’re making a fool of yourself. The barrier said to me.
Completely ridiculous. Look at yourself.
Flabby belly. See who’s dancing with your crush?
One athlete after another. I hated that my brain talked to me that way.
I would have long since forbidden anyone else to talk to me like that.
But my inner self took liberties that no one else had the right to take.
Suddenly, Matt stroked Shane’s chest.
I was slightly nauseous. Still, I couldn’t blame anyone.
We’d been through this before. And Shane had been clear. It was fun for him. I understood that. Even though it hurt me. That’s where we differed. Which wasn’t a bad thing. There was no need to be identical.
Five months ago, I had stormed off in outrage and vowed never to look back.
But it wasn’t that simple. The days—the few weeks—here with Shane had shown me that I couldn’t just shake him off. Didn’t want to shake him off. I would have to find a way to deal with his ways.
Because the thought of giving him up was unbearable.
I hadn’t grown up particularly much since the summer. My insecurities were the same as they had been five months ago. But now that I’d had a taste of what it would be like to be close to Shane in some form every day, I didn’t want to let those insecurities hold me back anymore.
The reliability of his closeness was soothing. When I came home from the dinner shift at night, he was there. Not a single day had he stayed away from our cabin.
At least for the time we were here together, I had to—I wanted to—find a solution.
I forced myself to continue watching the dancing group. Shane caught Matt’s hands and held them tight. None of this dampened his beaming smile. He led Matt away from him without interrupting their dance.
My heart pounded wildly. That was—good.
Shane turned the trio so that he was facing me. Our eyes met, and he grinned broadly.
I was still completely overwhelmed by what had just happened and smiled timidly.
Shane said something to Matt before turning to the girl and winking at her.
He strode purposefully toward me. I almost expected him to pull me back onto the dance floor. Instead, he ran his hand over my upper arm, stepped behind me, and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“Want to dance?” he whispered in my ear from behind.
He was obviously much more sober than at the last party.
I leaned into his embrace and thought about it. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to be what Shane needed. I wanted to be someone who suited Shane.
But it wouldn’t do any good, either for him or for me, to pretend. I shook my head.
“No,” I said, even though he probably couldn’t hear me.
Shane kissed my neck, and his breath tickled me there. “Is everything okay?” he asked. He accompanied his question by nibbling on the skin between my neck and shoulder.
I automatically replied, “Sure.”
“Hmm,” he continued to murmur in my neck.
I thought for a moment. I felt good. Extremely good. “Your colleagues are quite the peasants when it comes to cuisine, but I’ll let it slide. They don’t realize what high-quality products have gone into these little bites.” I pointed my chin toward the buffet.
Behind me, Shane laughed against my head. “I’m afraid that knowledge wouldn’t do any good.”
I snorted and pressed my back against him. “You can go back, you know? And dance and stuff.”
“Right now, I want a serving of Ruben. I’ll return to them in a minute.”
I shook my head. His words were pure balm. It reassured me to see that he didn’t have to make an effort to be with me. It was easy for me to believe his words. He was as relaxed with me as he was with his friends.
Shane ran his hand along my sides, moving slightly behind me and glimpsing over my shoulder. He pressed his cheek against mine, and the whole situation reminded me of a school dance.
Chloe approached us with somewhat unsteady steps and pointed back and forth between our heads. “I didn’t know anything about this.”
“Oh! Chloe didn’t know what?” Shane’s laugh was dirty.
I wasn’t quite sure how to react.
Chloe tapped his nose and Shane growled at her playfully.
She narrowed her eyes. “I always know everything. This must be new.”
“Totally new,” Shane continued nonchalantly. “We’ve only known each other since June.”
I flinched. I knew he was messing with her, but somehow this description seemed eerie to me.
“Nonsense! Never!” she protested. “You could never have fooled me like that.”
“Once again, you can see how good your instincts really are, dear Chloe! Poor. Completely poor.”
She glared at him so fiercely that I was afraid the sparks flying from her eyes would set me on fire. She took a step toward us, and Shane had the nerve to push me in between the two of them using me as a shield.
“Come on!” I protested, but Shane ignored me.
Chloe shook her head. “You’re a terrible boyfriend, Shane. Shame on you!”
My blood ran cold. Boyfriend. How could she use that word so casually?
Shane didn’t seem to notice my inner turmoil at all. “I’m not. I’m the best. Say it, Ruben! Help me out here.”
Fortunately, the two of them were preoccupied with each other that they didn’t expect me to answer.
I wouldn’t have known what to say, anyway.
We weren’t even together. Or were we? Shane was just messing around.
Right? I had already gotten myself completely caught up in this and been overwhelmed by the situation.
But this time, I would go into it with my eyes wide open.
What situation? What did I know about what Shane wanted to do in six months? I didn’t even know what I wanted to do myself. Damn.
Above all, it was getting obvious that I was more interested in Shane’s plans than my own. That wasn’t good.
I was officially overwhelmed.
The thought stayed with me for the rest of the evening. What did I want? Should I enjoy the moment and let things happen?
That wasn’t me. It went against every fiber of my being. The way I worked, the way I prepared my workplace to be ready for any eventuality that evening, was the way I lived. But that wasn’t always possible. I knew that.
Running away gave me a sense of control.
But control over what? Over being alone?
The thought was not at all desirable, with Shane’s words still fresh in my mind.
Later, as we lay in the beds that were still pushed together provisionally, he had already closed his eyes.
“Didn’t Chloe’s comments bother you?” I suddenly had to know.
Shane’s eyelids twitched slightly, but he didn’t open them. “Nah. She talks all day long. You don’t have to take Chloe too seriously.”
While I was still thinking about what to make of this statement, Shane’s breathing deepened. His chest rose and fell slowly.
If his words were meant to reassure me, they had missed their mark.