Chapter 9
I ’ve spent the whole day at the gym, avoiding the club. If I had any sense or self-control I’d be doing the same tonight, but here I am, sitting at the bar pretending to listen to Raze and Wrath, while wondering where she is and what she did all day.
There’s no sign of her here, and all the girls are sitting at their usual table. I expected her to be with ‘em, and I don’t like the idea of her sitting up in her motel room by herself.
Wrath continues to talk about the revenge he wants to take on the Reapers, every day he seems to come up with a new plan, and every day Raze has to tell him to be patient.
I may not have ever had a sister to lose, but I understand his pain. I know more about loss than the people here realize, and I know how it feels to carry vengeance. Still, I agree with our prez, especially now that Freya is here. Reapers have proven they don’t fight fair and we need to be working on our defense before we can look to attack. What my best friend needs to do is focus on what he does have. He’s got a beautiful wife who loves him, Freya is home, and although it doesn’t sound like she plans on sticking around, I know he can change her mind.
And it seems so fucking important that he does.
The back door opens and when Freya steps inside looking all sun-kissed and wearing a huge bright beam of a smile, it’s hard to believe that she was the girl in that ring twenty-four hours ago. She makes her way toward the girls’ table and joins them without noticing that I’m here. I wanna know where she’s been. I wanna know what she’s done in the nine hours we’ve been apart, and when she looks up and catches me staring at her, I quickly look away.
“You okay?” Raze asks like he can sense something wrong.
“Yeah, I’m good, just thinking about all the shit I got to do back at the gym.” I smile back at him, and instantly regret using the place as my excuse when I see the guilty look on Wrath's face. The gym is one of the club’s legit businesses, and Raze put me and Wrath in charge of it. Given everything that's been going on with him lately, he’s had to take a back seat.
“I didn’t mean anythin’ by that. I just… I see a lot of potential in that place.”
“Corey not pulling his weight?” Dev must have overheard me, ‘cause he stands himself up from leaning on the bar and moves closer. His little brother is desperate to be a part of the club, he’s asked Raze if he can prospect more than once, and on Dev’s request, each time he’s been denied. Dev did agree to let him help out at the gym some evenings and weekends, since it’s a legit business and will look good on his college applications.
“Corey’s great, the clients love him. Especially Burlusconi’s sister,” I point out, swallowing the last of my glass. “I just think we could be offering more. Maybe some self-defense for women.” I look back over to the table where Freya is and think about all the times she would have been beaten on by that asshole who hurt her. Maybe things would have been different if she knew how to defend herself. That first time he hurt her might have been his last.
“Sign me up.” I spin my head when I hear the female voice come from behind me and when I see Quinn, my face drops.
“Relax, no one died.” She rolls her eyes and perches herself on a barstool in the middle of us. “I just finished a shift and thought it might be nice to be among the living for a while.” She shrugs, placing a brightly colored purse on the table and looking for some service.
All four of us stare at her, but she doesn’t seem fazed as she orders a rum and coke from Polly.
“So how’s your day been?” She looks between us once she’s got it poured.
“Since when did this become your after work hangout?” Raze asks her, still looking shocked himself.
“Well, I spend most of my life around dead people and no matter how often I talk to them, I still get nothing back. I know a few people here, I’d even go as far to say that I like some of you.” Her eyes glance to the pool table where Sasquatch is playing with Vike.
“Well it’s good to see ya kicking back.” Raze raises his glass before drinking from it and Quinn smiles as she sips her rum and coke.
I try hard not to look over toward the girls, but it’s instinctive and each time I look and see Freya, smiling or laughing at something one of them says, there’s a warm, comforting feeling in my chest. I order one drink after another, knocking ‘em back. I smoke cigarette after cigarette to try and focus on something other than her. In the end, the distance between us only gets more frustrating and I quickly head out to the balcony to get some air.
I rest my elbows over the railings, focusing on the moon and how it reflects against the water while I breathe myself calm and tell myself how pathetic I’m being.
“Hey.” Her voice comes from behind me. Soft, sweet, and lacking its usual sass. I grip the wooden rail as I feel her get closer. “How’s your day been?” She stands beside me and takes in the same view as me, breathing in the air and smiling to herself. There’s a slight breeze coming off the ocean that moves through her hair, and she looks so fuckin’ perfect in this light that I wanna rip my heart outta my chest and toss it out to sea.
“You know, I missed this,” she tells me when it becomes clear that I’m not gonna answer her question. “I’ve been all over the country, but there's no place like here.”
I turn my head away from her when I feel actual, physical pain. I want to reach out my hand and touch her skin, kiss her the way I did in front of all those people last night.
“I went back today,” she confesses, and I quickly turn my head so our eyes meet. She knows what she just said would have pissed me off and she wants to see my reaction. Luckily I manage to get a handle on it, I just feel a few splinters in my palm as a consequence.
“Why?” My voice comes out croaky.
“I had to prove to myself that I wasn’t scared of him.” She laughs at herself. “He wasn’t there, he’s laid up in hospital. Turns out you put him outta action for a good few weeks.”
“I’d have put him out of action for life if you’d have?—”
“I also wanted to get this.” She reaches into the back pocket of her jeans and pulls out my father’s coin, holding it out in front of me.
“You kept it.” I take it from her and look it over. It’s pointless denying that it’s mine, or that I was there watching her two years ago.
“I guess I always hoped that I’d see you again so I could return it,” she tells me, and when the breeze whips around the clubhouse and blows some of her soft blonde hair over her face, my hand moves up so I can brush it away.
“You know, every night after I found this, I’d look out for you in the audience. Maybe I was waiting for you to be there and do what you did last night,” she confesses.
“Beat the shit outta your boyfriend, or kiss ya?” I manage a tiny smirk that makes her laugh, and it sounds so fuckin’ pretty that I have to grip the fuckin’ rail again.
“I was waiting to be saved, I realized that when I went back there today.” She lowers her head. I’m beyond mad about the fact she did, but we’ll get to that.
“You know if I’da known what was happening… I’da… I thought you were happy.” There’s no way of dealing with the frustration I feel for that.
“I should have left the first time he turned on me.” She breathes in more of the salty sea air and closes her eyes.
“So why didn’t you, Freya? Why did you even leave here in the first place? This was your home. What happened between us shouldn’t have…”
“Do you think things would have been the same between us?” she interrupts. “Because if you do, you're delusional. You broke a club rule, you betrayed your friend, and it was my fault. One of us had to leave and it was my time.” Her eyes flash open and she suddenly looks mad at me.
“I can’t have that. I can’t have the fact you left with that jerk and endured what you did on my conscience. I can’t be the reason you left, Freya.” I feel desperation clawing inside me, especially with the evidence of what she’s been through right in front of me. How could that bastard have hurt her the way he did? Why would he want to ruin somethin’ so fuckin’ perfect instead of protect it?
“You're not the only reason, Ruckus.” Her laugh is so irritating I swear I could rip this rail right fuckin’ off. “You were many of them.”
“Then why? Why did you leave? Why are you so determined to move on from here when you can see for yourself how much things have changed? You have people who care about you here, what have you got out there?” I grip her hand in mine when I sense that she’s going to run from me again.
“I can’t tell you. Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to.” She tries tugging her hand away.
“Freya, you're not making any sense. Did someone here hurt you?” I’ve gone over so many scenarios in my head today, and I need answers.
“Drop it, Ruckus.” She shakes her head and tries hard to hold back her tears. It only makes me more determined to get the truth.
“I don’t want to fuckin’ drop it. I wanna know why you can’t stay here.”
“Because of you,” she yells, making me instantly release her from my grip. “I can’t stay here because of you. Because we both know Aaron would never forgive you if he knew what happened, and let’s face it, Ruckus, you need my brother a lot more than I do.” She catches me off guard, leaving me speechless, and as she backs away toward the door. I let her see that her words have hurt me.
I’m done caring if that makes me look weak or vulnerable to her. Freya’s always known the effect she has on me. She thrives on it, and as she turns her body and opens the door, I know that despite all those words being true, she’s still keeping something from me.
I will find out what it is.
I give myself ten minutes and two cigarettes to cool off before I head back inside, and when I see her sitting at the table looking a lot less happy than she did before I curse myself for feeling guilty.
There’s still so much I want to say to her, I wanna scold her for leaving here today and going back to him. I want to remind her of how dangerous it could have been, but instead I move over to the corner of the room where I can be alone.
“Hey, honey.” Trinity stalks her way over like a praying mantis and when she sits on the seat beside me, she curls her legs around so they rest across my lap. “You look like you need cheering up.”
“I’m good.” I massage the bridge of my nose and try to expel all the feelings from my head. Maybe Freya is right and she should get the hell outta here. If she did, then maybe I could start thinking straight again.
“C’mon, baby, it’s been so long since you had me.” Trinity’s hand wraps around my shoulder and she squeezes all the tension outta it. I look across the room and see Freya watching, and she may try to act stubborn but her eyes don’t lie. She doesn’t like what she’s seeing.
“Sure.” I tap Trinity’s legs so she lifts them down, then standing to my feet I offer her my hand.
I need a reminder of who I am tonight. Females can’t hurt me, and I sure as hell don’t pine over ‘em. Ruckus doesn’t have feelings. He fucks. I forget. He repeats. Trinity smiles as I lead her toward the door and when I open it for her and see the disappointment in Freya’s face, I ignore the voice in my head that tells me to stop. I can’t let emotions get the better of me, especially not when I know I’m going to lose her all over again. I have to prove to her and to myself that she’s right.
She can’t stay here.
Trinity leads me toward her room at the motel and when I pass Saul sitting out on one of the plastic chairs by himself, staring at his phone, I make a mental note to check in with him. He’s been acting strange these past few weeks and is being far too quiet.
“Fuck, I’ve been waiting for this.” Trinity slams her back against the door to her room, dragging me by my shirt so she can kiss me. Her lips leave a tacky film all over my lips and I can’t help thinking that Freya’s are so much softer. She also makes that cute little humming noise that I’ve never got outta my head.
“You gonna get this big, fat dick hard for me?” Trinity slides her hand over the front of my jeans and gets no reaction from it at all.
“Let’s just get inside.” I feel behind her for the handle so I can open the door, then forcing her through it, I get back to kissing her. I need to stay focused on what's happening here. I need to fuck all the frustration from my body.
Trinity pulls my cut off my shoulders and starts ripping at my belt, but before she can get my jeans open I step back.
“Can we just… can we slow things down a little?” I swallow thickly, noticing how shocked she looks.
“Okay?” She seems confused by the concept, but still goes with it, kicking off her heels and sitting herself on the edge of the bed. “You wanna watch me finger myself?” She opens her legs wide and slips her red painted nail onto her panties
“I don’t know what I want,” I admit, sliding my hand over my mouth and trying to get that look of disappointment I just saw on Freya’s face outta my head.
“Well, you can have anything you like with me, baby.” Trinity giggles, and it makes me wanna throw my fist at the wall. “Come on, we both know slow ain’t your style, Ruck.” She lays back on the bed and taps the mattress beside her.
“I just need a minute.” I rush to the bathroom and lock the door after me, taking a look at my reflection and wondering who the fuck I am.
Why am I in here? I should be balls deep, not givin’ a fuck. Instead I’m locked in a bathroom acting like a fuckin’ pussy. Still hung up on a girl I slept with five fuckin’ years ago.
“Jesus.” I grip the sides of the basin so tight I swear I’ll crack the porcelain.
“Ruck, are you okay in there?” I ignore Trinity's voice when it calls from the other side of the door and take out the coin that Freya just returned to me. She kept it all this time, she looked out for me. I must mean something to her, and although I don’t deserve it, it makes my chest swell with pride.
“Fuck,” I growl to myself, toying with the coin, deciding if I should let it make the decision for me.
Tails, I fuck Freya Adams outta my head tonight and be done with this shit. Heads, I get the fuck out of here, go home and let her fuck with my thoughts for the rest of the night.
The decision’s no longer mine once I flip the coin, and after I let it land in the basin I see tails looking back up at me. Snatching the thing back up, I tuck it back in my pocket and look in the mirror one last time. “There ya are?” Trinity is standing bare fuckin’ naked in front of me when I open the door and the sinful smile drops from her face when I march straight past her, pick my cut up off the floor, and see myself out.
Damn Freya Adams, and the decisions she has me making.