Chapter 19 Thea
THEA
Iwake with a jolt, my heart racing. I need to calm down before triggering a panic attack.
I haven’t been getting much sleep. Nearly every night I’m dreaming of Connor or the stalker.
Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of Connor’s death.
I just need to get through the next forty-eight hours and hopefully some of this will pass.
I wish I had work today, but Rebecca insisted since I switched my schedule to work tomorrow that I have today off.
She means well and it’s actually nice to have a boss that cares about their employees having down time and not burning out but I just can’t be idle.
The busy days usually mean I sleep better.
Maybe if I do a hike today that’ll exhaust me enough to sleep through the night.
Getting up and dressed, I look out the window to see it’s still early and the sun is just coming up but that’s enough for me.
The air is crisp and there’s a light fog clinging around the woods as I walk up the trail.
It’s an eerie vibe especially after those dreams last night.
I shake my head at the thought. That one is already boxed up tight.
At least I remembered to bring the bear spray that ranger gave me.
Though I’m sure it’s not a risk now that it’s nearly the middle of November.
I finally arrive at one of the checkpoints on the trail, where some benches are scattered around.
It’s the same spot I sat before. I don’t feel the need to do more of this trail, sitting here for a while and looking out at the valley is enough.
It feels so different out here. Being in that house this morning felt suffocating, but here it feels like I can take a deep breath without worry.
Even with everything going on I am so glad I ended up in this place.
If I have to run for the rest of my life, at least I was able to see a place like this.
The valley stretches out beneath the mountains bracketing either side.
So many of the trees are now bare for winter, except for the pines.
Pine. Reminds me of Dr. Sullivan, his intoxicating scent and that feeling of hope that overwhelmed me.
The lake the lodge sits on isn’t visible from here.
I’m curious to see what it’ll look like iced over and the area covered in snow.
Please let me be here to see it. Connor would’ve loved this spot.
He was more outdoorsy than me but it’s not like Florida had mountains like this.
“I love you Connor,” I whisper into the air, hoping wherever he is he feels every ounce of my love.
A few tears fall down my cheeks but it’s a nearly daily occurrence at this point I don’t pay them any mind and just continue to enjoy the view.
I hope his parents are okay during this time.
Who am I kidding? Of course they won’t be.
Part of me wonders if they hate me for leaving like I did after he died.
I miss them all so much. After my parents died, they really helped me through it.
Along with Connor, of course. I love them all like my own parents, but I couldn’t risk the stalker going after them too.
Who knows if he’d view my relationship with them as a threat like he did with Connor.
I almost wish I was braver. Maybe I should just let him find me and then kill the son of a bitch.
It’s only fair since he killed Connor. I’m a coward.
Running instead of facing this. It’s my fault.
If I didn’t catch this psycho’s eye, none of this would’ve happened.
Connor would still be here, and we’d be preparing for my first heat together.
The cold snaps me out of my spiraling. Ugh this is exactly why I need to be busy with something. Wiping my face of the tears, I take one last look at the valley before getting up and heading back down the trail. As I turn around, I’m startled by a man standing about twenty feet away.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you! I was doing my rounds and saw you but I didn’t want to disturb you,” he says in a rush.
I notice his uniform and take a better look at his face now that I’m not so surprised.
It’s that officer I met last time I was here.
The one with the scent of books. Jake was his name.
“It’s okay. You just surprised me.”
“I’m sorry, again. Are you alright?” he asks. Does he know I was crying? What is it with the men around here finding me crying lately.
“I’m fine. I was just heading back down.”
“Do you mind if I walk with you?”
After shaking my head no, we begin heading down the trail. “I’m surprised to see anyone here so early, do you normally come out at this time?” he asks.
I laugh a little, especially since I used to be more of a night owl.
It took a lot for me to be up early in the morning.
Multiple alarms and then Connor being my backup in case I slept through all of them which happened a few times.
“No, just had today off and didn’t sleep much; thought some fresh air would help.
How about you? Do you always patrol the trails? ” I ask, looking up at him.
His wide hat shields the early morning light coming down on us.
His eyes are so blue. A deep blue, reminding me of the ocean.
They crinkle at the edges with the faintest little crow’s feet starting to develop as he smiles.
“No not usually but I saw a car in the lot and we don’t normally have people out on the trails so early and I wanted to make sure everything was okay. ”
Understandable, wait— “Am I supposed to check in somewhere before using the trails?”
“Some trails require permits but not this one. Don’t worry you didn’t do anything wrong.” He gently pats my shoulder. His scent washes over me. I don’t know why his scent relaxes me so much, but given how today has been I’ll take it without complaint.
We walk the rest of the way in relative silence but it’s not bad.
For some reason it’s comfortable to just exist without filling the silence with conversation.
Kind of like how it is with Keelan, but different.
With Keelan I get the impression he isn’t a big talker, which is fine.
With Jake it’s more so we could both talk and fill it but we’re both comfortable and at ease in each other’s company, at least that’s how I feel.
As we approach the trail head I’m almost sad that our interaction is coming to an end. Going back to an empty house sounds awful right now. I turn towards Jake to say goodbye and find him already looking at me. A blush creeps over my cheeks.
“Thea, if you ever need anything please let me know,” he says intently, handing me a card with his number on it. It’s like he sees right through me and it does unsettle me. Only Connor knew me so well and my tells. I don’t know how to feel about someone else noticing things like that.
Looking at him and his intense eyes I nod as I say, “Thank you.” I don’t have it in me today to try and play it off like I won’t need help.
My energy for a pleasant “all good” mask is zero.
Walking to my car I can’t help but look back at him, finding him watching me go.
I’m not sure how to feel about him. Overall after this morning and being around him I do feel more relaxed, even with a tiny bit of unsettled feelings about it all.
Ugh, Thea just be glad you feel better. I never used to be so mistrustful of my own feelings and reactions.
Just another thing this stalker has taken from me.
Nope, not going down that road especially with what tomorrow is.
I don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of this day without spiraling again.
Maybe I can find a good book to read to distract me.
That actually sounds good, maybe I’ll cuddle up with that nest blanket I bought.
I’ve been resisting nesting the last couple weeks, that’s probably contributing to my shitty sleep too.
Just get through today and tomorrow, once the anniversary is over it’ll be easier to push everything down again. It has to be.