Chapter 32 #2
I never used to have panic attacks before—the stalking, Connor dying, running for my life. The fear and shaking it brought on is fading. My fingers that are bunched in his shirt like I was holding on for dear life are finally relaxing.
“How are you feeling?” he asks gently.
“Better…I don’t think I can go back in there.” Just the thought of all of those people seeing me makes the fear rise within me again.
“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I can go get our things. But I’m not leaving you until I know you’re okay.” He hugs me to him. I guess he needs as much reassurance as I do, so I won’t argue. We stay like that for a while until the panic has long passed.
“I’m okay, promise.”
He looks at me skeptically before nodding.
“I’ll be right back. Here, let me take the shoes with me too.” I give them to him and stay sitting on the floor. It’s not long before he returns with our coats, shoes and some food. I shake my head with a small smile.
“You need to eat something.” He all but hand-feeds me some chicken tenders.
My body does feel kind of weak from being tensed up for so long.
I eat a couple of them quickly, all while Eli watches me.
As I’m finishing the last one, he moves as if he’ll put my shoes on.
I try to move my leg away but he holds it firmly to him.
His hands begin massaging the arches, making me choke back a moan.
“I…I can do that,” I stutter out. Is there a line from my feet to my brain turning it to mush?
“Just let me take care of you, please?” He doesn’t say how scared he was and that’s why he needs this but it’s clear. Who am I to complain about a foot massage?
He doesn’t just massage my feet, his magical fingers work their way up my calves.
I feel like Jell-O in the best way. I’ve had my head resting against the wall with my eyes closed during most of it so when I open my eyes, I’m kind of surprised to see Eli smiling that soft smile again as he finishes and puts my shoes on, helping me up to standing.
I wobble a bit. More so from his massage than the panic attack, but he’s right there, arm around my waist bracing me against him.
“So what’s the plan now?” I ask, not really wanting the night to be over even with the panic attack.
“I was thinking we take a drive and finish listening to EPIC. If you’re still hungry I can get some food to go?”
“No, I’m all set. I’m sorry I—”
“What did I say, no apologizing. I had a great time listening to it on the way here and I’ll have an even better time listening to the rest of it as we take a drive through the mountains.”
“Even in the dark?” I ask skeptically.
He smirks like he knows something I don’t. “Even then.”
As we finish the last song of EPIC, we come to a stop somewhere.
It’s too dark to really see anything. I have the biggest smile on my face from the both of us singing along to the soundtrack.
He was able to guess at the words to some of the songs, especially the last one.
The few times we were singing it at the same time felt weirdly intimate especially given the lyrics, ‘would you fall in love with me again’ and ‘I will fall in love with you over and over again.’
I look over at him questioningly about our location and he just gets out of the car without a word.
I hear the trunk open as he grabs something and then my door is opened.
“My lady,” he says, hand extended for me to take.
Taking it, I survey what I can of where we are.
It’s a somewhat open area with trees lining it, except the area just in front of the car where there’s a guard rail.
Interesting. He leads me closer to it and lets go of my hand to place a blanket down on the ground.
“Come on, I have another blanket to keep us warm.”
I sit down next to him, and he pulls the blanket over us.
It isn’t that big so I cuddle close. He has us lay back and my breath is caught in my throat.
I’ve never seen so many stars in my life.
I know living in the city means you don’t really see them with all the light, but I never really thought it’d be such a big difference.
“Wow,” is the only word that comes to mind.
He chuckles lightly. “This is one of my favorite lookout spots. Sometimes I bring my telescope and spend hours escaping to outer space.”
“It’s amazing. Of course, I know there’s millions of stars out there, but to see so many like this.
” I cut off, resting my head on his chest as we enjoy the view.
After a few minutes some of what he said filters back to me.
‘Escape.’ Why does he feel the need to escape?
That’d be too personal to ask right? But then what’s the point of getting to know each other if I don’t ask?
Still looking at the sky, I ask, “Why do you feel the need to escape?”
He sighs deeply and immediately I know this will be more in depth than I thought.
“About a year and a half ago we courted an omega. She was scent compatible with four of us—Micah, Liam, Jake, and myself. Long story short she ended up cheating on us.” He stops as a hollow laugh overtakes him.
“We actually found out because the other pack she was seeing brought her to the lodge as a surprise getaway. See, we met her when her company booked the entire lodge for a company team building retreat for a week. Everything hit kind of fast and she agreed to courting even long distance. Most of us traveled often to see her and she came up here a few times during those six months we courted her. Apparently, the other pack was the CEO of the company she worked for and he liked the lodge so much he thought it’d be a nice getaway for the omega his pack was courting.
Let’s just say that day they showed up to check in was a lot. ”
“Screw her. She missed out on some pretty awesome guys. You dodged a bullet,” I say, trying to temper the anger rising in me for an omega I never met.
He laughs, this time a real one. “We definitely did. I can confidently say I’m glad it ended. We found someone so much more special in the end.”
His compliment lands how he meant it to. I nuzzle into him, breathing in more of his scent. Then my mind lands on the fact that they were scent compatible with her. “Wait, if you all were scent compatible with her, is that how you knew we weren’t? That it was something different?”
“Not all of us were scent compatible with her, everyone but Keelan, Parker, and Ben. But yeah, I knew something was different about your scent and then I asked Liam hoping he’d know, being a doctor and all.”
“You say that like it mattered that Keelan, Parker, and Ben weren’t scent compatible with her. If she was courting your pack wouldn’t she have been courting with everyone?”
“Usually that is how it goes. She, as we know now, was not a nice person even before we found out about the cheating. She refused to court Ben because he’s a beta and Parker because she found him unattractive—” A growl erupts from me.
I didn’t even know I could do that. That anger I was trying to temper is fully out and raging.
Suddenly, Eli is purring, I feel the vibrations through his chest and it’s taking the edge off but not enough.
“Easy, Sunshine.”
“Don’t ‘Sunshine’ me, what else did she do?”
“Keelan’s story is his own to tell. As I mentioned we traveled a lot to see her, some more than others.
Over time, the traveling and with three of our pack being essentially ostracized by the omega we were courting, caused rifts within our relationships with each other and as a pack.
After we found out about the cheating and were all back at the pack house just processing everything, Parker randomly said ‘good riddance’ and it set Micah off.
He punched Parker in the face. Which of course triggered Keelan to return the favor.
Ben was the one who ended up getting through to us all.
He told us that if we had planned to bond with her, he was going to leave the pack.
That was a wakeup call for us. We almost let an omega and our resulting actions break up our family.
There was a lot we all did that we regret,” he says with a heaviness I haven’t heard from him before.
“What happened after that?”
“Ben convinced us to do group therapy. Apparently, he had been going himself for the four months prior. That bitch really did a number on him,” he says with the first hint of a growl throughout this whole conversation.
“He also suggested we get back to doing pack dinners at least three to four times a week. We did the therapy together for months and all of us, except Micah, ended up doing some individual sessions as well. We only just stopped the group therapy about five or six months ago.”
“Is that why Micah hates me? Because I remind him of her?”
“No, he has his own reasons outside of what happened last year. He has to tell you them, not me.”
“Thank you for telling me all of that. It’s obvious you guys are close and love each other. The therapy must have helped.”
“It did but there’s some things you can’t take back once said. In the end it’s just another part of our story,” he mumbles, giving me a sense he’s holding on to some guilt of his own.
Is that what Connor will turn into? Another part of my story? I don’t know that I want that. The pain of his loss feels…feels like I’m keeping him alive—with me. Like if I don’t feel the pain, he truly will cease to exist. That doesn’t make any sense. Ben would probably say I need therapy too.
We spend the rest of the time lying there, staring at the stars in silence.
I don’t even know what the time is when we finally get back in the car and head home.
He had me put the EPIC soundtrack on again so he can properly sing along now that he’s listened to them all.
He remembers some of the songs and belts them out any chance he gets.
When we get back to my place, we sit there so we can finish the current song, Legendary.
One line sticks in my head later that night even as I lie in bed, trying to sleep— ‘I know life and fate are scary, but I wanna be legendary.’
What would legendary look like for me?