Chapter 12
TWELVE
The third day of January had been in no hurry to appear, but now that it was here, I was waiting impatiently for the inevitable. My fingers tightened around the trigger, squeezing as the bullets ripped through the barrel to meet their targets.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Reload.
I removed the clip and shoved another one into the pistol before aiming again. I fired in the direction of the spider’s corpse. The small body exploded from the impact of the bullet. The Coke can flew off the wood stump as a bullet crashed into it.
Before firing again, I lowered my weapon and removed the protection from my eyes. I shifted my weight to the right side of my body and placed a hand on my hip. Comfort soothed the wounds Sonnie’s absence had caused.
“Did you sense my arousal all those miles away?” I asked, grabbing a piece of my bottom lip and rolling it between my teeth.
His presence was monumental. He was slowly becoming my whole world instead of being a small part of it. He was the biggest thing happening in my life at the moment. The most exciting thing I’d ever experienced. And, though it was scary, my spiked adrenaline was as addictive as he was.
“Both eyes open when you shoot, baby.”
Chemistry’s voice drained the blood from my body. I stilled, unable to move a single muscle. I wasn’t expecting him. I was never expecting him. Yet, his appearance today was unlike others and for several reasons.
I’d ignored his calls for almost three months. There hadn’t been but three attempts to reach me, but they’d never gone unanswered until now. Hermen’s death was still fresh. And, almost everything he’d known me to be had completely changed since our last meeting.
The feelings he wanted me to refrain from leading with were front and center of my current situation. My heart was no longer in my hands. It was in the hands of a man he’d never met, conversed with or approved.
And, now that my feelings were caught up, I hardly gave a damn if he approved of my choice or not. It was far too late. I was far too deep.
“Have I taught you nothing?”
His chastisement stung a little bit more than usual. My shoulders curled inward. Worry lines creased my forehead.
“Why have you been avoiding me?” He asked.
Neither of us moved. My back was still toward him, but I could feel the daggers he stared into me.
“I’ve been occupied,” I responded, honestly.
Lying to Teddy was not only against the rules, but it was against my code of ethics. My heart wouldn’t allow it. Neither would my head. He’d been far too much to me. He deserved honesty and it was all I’d ever have for him.
“I don’t care about Hermen, Rugger.”
“Neither do I.”
Not anymore .
“Then don’t let me dial your number another time and you not pick up. The visit won’t be as smooth as this one.”
“You call this smooth?” I scoffed.
“I do.”
“Wel–”
“Your feelings, baby, you’re deep in them. They serve little relevance right now. There’s absolutely no reason for you to be in your chest at the moment. Unless there’s something you aren’t telling me. Is there?”
Silently, I turned to face Chemistry. He was immaculate, dressed in a black suit with his hands in front of him, joined as he twiddled his thumbs.
A boss.
A father.
A leader.
A man.
I missed his handsome face, his tough love, and his instant wisdom. His protection allowed me to roam the streets of Clarke without fearing my incarceration or death. Chemistry was everywhere and nowhere simultaneously.
He reminded me so much of him . Staring back at my brother, the head of our family’s organization, an epiphany was birthed. He was the reason my attraction to Sonnie was so strong. He was the reason Sonnie felt so familiar.
They were the same, yet strikingly different at once. It had been said that a father was a girl’s first love and every love after would model him in some way.
Chemistry was my first love. I clung to him as if he’d gone half with my mother on a child. But, he hadn’t. He’d only been part of the postpartum process and every day that followed.
The qualities I admired in him were the same ones that had me falling head first for Psalms. Along with my father, Chemistry demonstrated the role of a true leader and lover. Though I imagined I wasn’t, I was paying close attention. Unknowingly, I’d created the ideal partner in my head and Sonnie checked every box.
“You told me to dead a situation that was important to me.”
“And, I’ll tell you again if I need to. I have your best interest at heart. Have you forgotten?”
“I haven’t.”
“Then, tell me how you ended up at Rather’s, suited up and ready to work.”
I tilted my head as my shoulders lifted. He’d called my bluff.
“The fact that she escaped Rather’s office with her life should tell you that I haven’t forgotten.”
“Don’t disrespect me again, Rugger. A hard head makes a soft hear–”
“Tee Rugger!”
The small voice stole my attention. I searched in the direction it had come from. My heart tried escaping my chest as I waited for its owner to appear.
“Someone missed you,” Chemistry revealed.
“Was she the only one?”
Tiny legs came running around the corner as the words left my mouth. I wanted to recant and swallow them as soon as they came out. However, Chemistry’s softened eyes responded before his lips opened to speak again.
I placed my gun on the table behind me and leaned down. I scooped Chemistry Jru into my arms and pressed her body against mine. The breath I was unaware of holding came rushing out. My eyes succumbed to the prickling feeling.
Don’t . I warned, trying to gain control of my emotions.
Don’t . Not in front of Jru and certainly not in front of Teddy did I want to let a tear fall.
Rugger .
“Always, baby,” Chemistry responded, finally.
He forced a single tear from my eye. Before it touched my cheek, I pushed my face into Jru’s shirt.
“I love you– sooo much, Jru. Tee missed you.”
“I miss you,” she claimed, clinging to me as if I’d magically disappear.
“Practice?” I asked, sliding her down my body to touch the floor again.
She nodded as her smile reached her eyes. I removed the .22 from the table and placed it in her hands.
“Both eyes open,” I reminded her. “Perfect your aim and be sure before you shoot. Okay?”
I reiterated things she’d known since she could understand a full sentence.
“Okay.”
I stood back, proudly watching as she found her first target. The warmth from Chemistry’s body joined me.
“We’re not here for long. I wanted to lay eyes on you. She wouldn’t allow me to come alone.”
“You told her you were coming?”
“I couldn’t stomach lying when she asked where I was headed.”
Chemistry had never answered to anyone. Not even our father, technically. Hearing that Jru had him spilling his guts made me chuckle.
“She has you wrapped around her fingers.”
“She does.”
“You’re withholding information,” I sighed, feeling something heavy on his heart. “What’s the matter?”
“Egypt.”
“Is she okay?”
Jru fired at the white sheet, piercing the center where the hole was only three centimeters wider than the bullet she’d lodged in it. She quickly moved on to the next without celebrating.
“She is ready for another child.”
“Are you?”
“I’ve been trying to put one in her for the last six months,” he admitted.
“Yet she hasn’t turned up pregnant.”
He shook his head.
“It wasn’t the time.”
This time, he nodded, “It wasn’t the time.”
“Don’t worry. She’s healthy. You’re healthy. A child will be born when the time is perfect. A son.”
“Yeah–” he agreed, “He will be.”
We watched as Jru struggled to make the third target. With sad eyes, she faced us. Her shoulders shrugged as she questioned her lack of progression with the task at hand.
“You’re in your head, CJ,” Chemistry told her, “Give Tee Rugger a hug. We’ll work on it back home. We have to go.”
“Okay.”
Her disappointment was clear. I accepted the weapon and pulled her into my arms.
“I’ll come over, okay?”
“Okay.”
“And we can practice more.”
“Now?”
“No, baby, but soon. Very soon. I promise.”
“Okay.”
I kissed her forehead and then her cheek.
“See you later, baby.”
“Later, baby,” she responded.
Chemistry took her into his hands. He wasted little time putting distance between us. With my heart in his possession, I turned around and used the weapon she’d surrendered to clear the target she couldn’t quite pierce. The string that held the coin in place split on impact.
Very soon, Jru .
His footsteps halted at once. I quieted my thoughts to listen to whatever it was he was preparing to say.
“And, baby–” he tossed over his shoulder.
“Yes?”
“Don’t come without that nigga who has your nose wide open.”
My chest deflated. All the air had been sucked out of me.
“I– you knew?”
The question was rhetorical. He always knew. It didn’t surprise me one bit.
“It’s my business to know. And, I’ve known since he snatched Hermen from his bed. I warned you not to go looking because I knew what was waiting for you… who was waiting for you.”
“I didn’t seek him.”
“He found you. I’m aware.”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Sometimes you don’t choose your person. They choose you.”
He continued putting distance between us. With each step he took, I felt my heart hurt a little more. I didn’t let him get too much further before I called out to him.
“Teddy,” I breathed out, shakily.
“Yes, Rugger?”
He stopped, again. This time, he turned to face me.
“How do you know?”
“Know what?”
“If you’re in love. What does it feel like? How does it feel?”
“Like that.”
“Like what?” I questioned, taking a step in his direction.
“Like you’re feeling.”
“I–”
“Your heart probably feels like it's falling from your chest at least four times a day. You can feel it in your bones. In your smile. In your words. In your walk. In your sleep. In your kneecaps. In your palms. All over, Rugger. It’s profound. It’s loud. It’s tantalizing. It’s addictive. It’s astounding. It’s courageous. It’s frightening. And, it’s contagious.”
There was a moment of silence between us. I swallowed the lump in my throat that was holding back the rest of my fears. My head lowered and my eyes found my shaking hands.
“Talk,” Chemistry ordered.
I looked up at him, matching his gaze.
“What happens next?”
“You keep falling, baby. Every day, you’ll find a new reason to love the person you’ve chosen. They’ll find new ways and new reasons to love you, too. And, when shit gets rough, that love will be enough to protect you from the storms that threaten to dismantle your connection.”
“What if I stop falling?”
“You’re a Childers, Rugger. You won’t. Once you’ve chosen, you’ve chosen.”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
“It’s okay, baby. Falling in love is not the end of the world. It’s the beginning of one. We’ll see you soon. Very soon .”
My smile pushed my cheeks upward on my face.
“I love you, Teddy.”
Though the words didn’t come from my mouth often, he felt it. So did I. What was understood between us didn’t have to be explained often.
“In this lifetime and the next.”
“I’ll come searching.”
“And, you’ll find me, baby. Every time. Every fucking time.”
I caught the butt of my gun and pulled it closer. My hand lowered, fitting into the grooves of the grip. My index finger slid through the guard of the trigger and rested on the trigger itself.
I slid the gun from underneath the pillow as footsteps grew closer. Just as I prepared to aim, a cold hand covered my mouth. Citrusy, cedar notes toyed with the strands of hair inside my nose. I relaxed against the chest that I’d been longing for since he’d left.
“Shoot first. Think later, Gazelle,” Sonnie whispered in my ear.
He was cold. He was warm. He was everything.
“It’s January third.” I reminded him.
I’d known it was him entering from the moment my bedroom door crept open. He was magnetic. The pull was instant.
“I don’t give a fuck if it was May second,” he chastised, using his birth date to support his argument.
Simultaneously, he loosened the string of his joggers. His skin pressed into mine after a split second.
“I’ve missed you,” he confessed.
His whispers cut through the dark, stopping my heart momentarily.
“I’ve missed you.”
He bit into my neck, forcing the curling of my spine. My ass hiked in the air. My nakedness gave him unrestricted access to all of me. All that was his . His to have. His to hold. His to love.
He slid his rigidness up and down my slipperiness. And, when the time came, he entered my garden.
“Uhhhhh,” I moaned, happy to be reunited with his tool.
“Rugger.”
Hearing my name fall from his lips was too much too soon.
“Rugger,” he called out, again, stroking me from behind with his face buried between my neck and shoulders.
“Yessssssss?”
“I’m no good anymore. I’m gone, baby. I can’t hide it anymore.”
“Sonnnnie–”
He felt like magic. He felt like medicine. He felt like mine.
“I love you,” he breathed out, “I love you deep. Wide. Left. Right. All the fucking way around. More than I’ve loved anything or anyone.”
He stroked me with precision.
“Sonni– Uhhhh.”
“You hear me?” He asked, deepening our connection. “You hear me, baby?”
“I love you, too.”