Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
Small, fine bumps covered the skin of my arms, legs, back, and chest. The bright white lights and sterile temperatures were the sources of my discomfort. The cushioned chair beneath me kept me rooted and on my butt instead of pacing the floor.
I folded my right leg over the left one and shoved my hands between my thighs. Subtly, from side to side, I began to move my body. Apprehension and anxiousness swelled my chest.
“Ms. Pickman.”
The hour-long wait came to a halt at the sound of the alias I’d given staff members. I was up and on my feet before the medical assistant could get the name out of her mouth completely. I was the only patient in the waiting room, so her presence meant it was my turn to visit the back of the small, very private clinic.
“Right this way,” she instructed, waving me toward her.
The light blue scrubs matched the accent walls and office decor. Everyone I’d encountered since walking through the door wore the same color. We cleared a full hallway and turned down another. She stopped just as we approached the second door.
“We’re going to start in this room– right here.”
She stopped in front of the dimly lit room with the door ajar.
“You don’t have to get undressed just yet. We’ll get you out of your clothes on the next stop. But, I do need you to lift your shirt up to your chest and pull your pants down slightly.”
I nodded, making sure she was aware of my understanding. She closed the door after we both made it inside of the room.
“You can climb right up.” She patted the bed. “Someone will be right in.”
More waiting. I groaned.
“Don’t worry, she’s ready. You won’t have to wait.”
Maybe it was my face that said exactly what was on my mind. Maybe it was my posture. I wasn’t sure, but I was satisfied with the response I’d gotten because of it.
“Thank you.”
She exited the room, closing the door behind her. I followed directions and climbed onto the bed. When my back was flat against the disposable sheet covering the cushion, I lifted my shirt, exposing my stomach.
I pushed against the pair of black joggers that I’d retrieved from Sonnie’s closet in the guest bedroom. Slowly, I was transforming the closet in the master suite into mine. The collection was scarce but it was coming along nicely.
“Knock, knock.”
A five-foot beauty walked in the room, strutting her voluptuous hips and thick thighs. Her blessings were abundant and on full display. God hadn’t been stingy with anything but height when it came to the creation of Harmony . The name on her badge was big and bold, just as she was.
“Good evening, Ms. Pickman. I’m Harmony and I’m going to get your ultrasound started here in a minute. Before I get the machine going, do you have to empty your bladder?”
“No.”
“Are you feeling ill?”
“No.”
“Do you need to vomit?”
“N–” I paused, making sure my guts weren’t trying to escape through my mouth, “No.”
“Okay, then we can get started.”
She began opening drawers and slamming them shortly after. When she appeared on the side of me, she wasn’t empty-handed. She stuffed my pants with a large sheet of soft paper and flipped it over the front of them. She did the same for my shirt.
“This is warm,” she explained, squeezing gel onto the skin of my stomach.
The warmth was comforting. Naturally, I closed my eyes. They remained sealed even when the device was lowered onto my belly. The loud swooshing sound tried convincing me to pull my lids apart, but I didn’t fold.
“There we go–”
I wasn’t sure what she was referring to and neither did I care.
“Now, let’s get this heartbeat up on the monitor.”
The rapid sound of galloping horses gripped my heart and squeezed it until it burst. I pulled in a lump of air and pushed it out almost immediately. Sensitive to the touch, every direction the wand was led in managed to cause pain.
“Can you turn it down? Please.”
Although there wasn’t a verbal response, the volume of the fetal heart monitor lowered until I could hardly hear it at all.
Thank you .
Soundlessly, Harmony completed the ultrasound and cleaned the gel from my belly using the paper she’d used to prevent the mess it was possible of making. It wasn’t until she exited the room that I reopened my eyes. The ceiling tiles stared back at me. My nostrils widened as I released the breath I’d been holding on to.
“Ms. Pickman–”
Harmony reappeared. She stood beside the bed with a pen and pad in her hands.
“We’re going to get you in the other room but I have to ask you a very important question.”
She paused, taking the stool next to me.
“This is standard procedure. We have to be certain that you’re certain. So, I have to ask– are you one hundred percent sure you want to continue with the procedure and are there any doubts in your mind about the results of said procedure? Results meaning the term of your child’s life coming to an end.”
“I want to move forward,” I confessed, “I don’t have any doubts. I fully understand the results of this procedure.”
“Alright. You can follow me into the operating room.”
She stood on her feet and took off toward the door. She didn’t exit until I was behind her, prepared for the operating table.
We traveled down a seemingly deserted hallway and stopped at the last room on the right. Inside were two large machines, a steel table with gadgets lined in paper and plastic bags.
“This is yours. Get completely undressed and wait for the doctor to come in. The procedure itself will not take very long. In ten to twenty minutes it will all be over and you’ll be on your way home to heal.”
I accepted the gown she was handing me.
“Any questions?”
“No.”
“Alright, again, I’m Harmony. Holler if you need me.”
Alone again, I removed my clothes. My socks were the only item of clothing still on my body when I laid down on the bed with the paper robe she’d given me draped over my body.
The bright light shined down on me as my thoughts conquered my attention. They were so plentiful that I was unable to grab ahold of one and complete it. The door opened, pulling me from the trance and back to reality.
“Good evening, Ms. Pickman. I’m Dr. Gill. I’ll be performing your abortion. I consider myself a fairly gentle woman so this shouldn’t hurt at all. Maybe your feelings a little, but I promise not to have you in pain when you leave my office. Are there any questions for me?”
“No.”
She stood over the sink and began washing her hands. Harmony returned. She patted the doctor’s hands dry and tossed the paper towels before washing her hands as well. The doctor helped her into her gloves and then Harmony returned the favor.
“Alright. How are you feeling?”
She pushed my legs up and separated my lower lips. The cold, metal plates were placed inside of me.
“Powerless.”
The word slipped through my teeth and out of my mouth. I had no intention of being truthful with the stranger who was now staring at my vagina. She spread my walls by widening the plates simultaneously.
She’d disappeared behind the paper gown, but suddenly her head was over my knees and her feet were on the ground again. With a stern gaze, she scolded me.
“You’re not powerless. You’ll never be powerless. As long as there’s breath in your body, you’re far from powerless. You’re the most powerful being to ever walk this planet.
“Without us, the world doesn’t move. It doesn’t continue. Life stops. Love stops. Everything stops. We are not of the world, Ms. Pickman. We are the world. Know that and stand in your power, even when you’re feeling powerless.”
She disappeared again. Her words rested on my chest like boulders. She wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t know. She wasn’t telling me anything my mother and father hadn’t told me. She wasn’t telling me anything my sisters hadn’t told me.
But, right now, it hardly mattered. Death had come and it had stolen my joy. Maybe tomorrow I’d tap into my power. Maybe a month from now. But, right now, I felt powerless, although I had all the power in the world in the palm of my fucking hand.
The door opened again. Instantly, a sheet fell down onto my knees. The cool wind from the open air ended at once. Dr. Gill was back on her feet and bergamot crept up my nose.
“Can I help you, sir?” Her firm, unforgiving tone did little to halt the footsteps that got closer by the second.
I closed my eyes, allowing the tears I’d kept at bay to fall freely down the sides of my face. Long, slim fingers caressed my shoulder. A pair of lips touched my forehead before lowering to my ear.
“Get up, baby.”
“Teddy–”
His presence was an unpleasant surprise. Aden was still at the guesthouse at Sonnie’s home. My secret departure hadn’t disturbed him. I’d checked the cameras several times while waiting in the office lobby.
“Sir–” Dr. Gill called out to Chemistry.
“I can’t let you do this,” he ignored her.
“I have to.”
“This–” he paused, tilting his head toward my knees, “This will break my fucking heart, Rugger.
“My heart breaks a little more each day when I wake up and I am reminded that my father isn’t alive. I’m twenty-seven, Teddy. I refuse to bring a fatherless child into the world who I am forced to feed memories of how good of a man their father was because of my selfishness. Have my child longing for experiences with a man that will never be able to kiss their cheeks, rub their stomach when it hurts, have lunch with them at school– nothing. Pictures and videos aren’t enough, Teddy. My child needs a father.”
“I will be everything Sonnie would’ve been, baby. You know this. You understand this. So–”
“You can be the best uncle in the world, Chem. You can be the best caretaker. You can be the best caregiver. You can be the best of everything to this child but you can’t be the father. You can’t be Sonnie. That piece of them– that piece of me will always be missing, no matter how good of a resource you are to us.”
His silence said everything he couldn’t.
“If you’re going to be here, then be here. Hold my hand and care for me the way you always have,” I expressed, “But, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop this procedure. My body, Teddy. My choice. I’m not asking you to be a father right now. I’m telling you I need you to be my big brother, my confidant, my safe haven, my sound voice… my heart.”
Chemistry walked across the room and grabbed the empty stool with wheels. He rolled it next to the bed and sat down. He grabbed my hand and placed it on his lips.
The wetness that fell from his eyes slid down my wrist. His heart was breaking. Mine was already broken.
Once.
Twice.
Three times, he kissed the backside and then placed it on his cheek to interfere with his tears.
“Understand that I love you more than this world itself, baby.”
“Which is why I’ll find you in the next one and all the ones after.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
The St. Catana sun kissed my skin, welcoming me back to the island with open arms. Chem ushered me to the awaiting SUV as I soaked up every ray it decided to spare. I’d seen enough dark days. I was ready to discover the other side of grief. I was aware that it wouldn’t come easy, but it would come, nonetheless.
Chem slid in beside me. I rested my head on his shoulder. For the first time, the island felt like home . It was exactly where I needed to be for the healing to begin – physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I looped my pinky around Chem’s. When I lifted my hand and his in the air and shook them from one side to another, he nodded.
“Between us.”
“Between us,” he assured me.
My secret wasn’t his to tell and I had no doubt that he’d keep it to himself.
“Not even Egypt.”
“Not even Egypt, baby. It’s safe with me.”
I closed my eyes, knowing that I didn’t have anything to worry about. Chemistry would make good on his word.
The wheels of the truck stopped spinning shortly after we’d pulled away from the plane. It felt too soon. I wasn’t quite ready to exit. I wasn’t quite ready to be alone. I wasn’t quite ready to face the facts.
“We’re here, Rugger.”
“I know,” I yawned, lifting my head from his shoulder.
If I wanted, Chem would stay in the truck just as we were until the fuel ran low. But, it wasn’t necessary. I needed my bed.
“You need some rest.”
I nodded, agreeing with him as he helped me down and onto the ground. He let us both inside of my home with the master key that fit every door in our compound. I didn’t make a single stop. My bedroom had summoned me from the plane. I peeled the covers back and slid underneath them. My knees reached my chest as my eyes closed. In a ball, I laid, awaiting the inevitable.
8:16p
Darkness surrounded me. I patted the linen in search of my phone. Once located, I tapped the screen.
“Eight hours,” I groaned, realizing how long I’d been down.
I stretched my arms toward the sky. Exhaustion was no longer weighing heavy on me, but there were a hundred other things waiting in line to nail me back to the bed for another eight hours.
My feet touched the floor once I’d loosened my limbs. I headed to the bathroom to empty my bladder and clean myself up. When I returned to the bedroom ten minutes later, I searched for my slippers. They were quickly discovered underneath the bed, beside a black pair that didn’t belong to me.
I lowered my body onto the ground and lifted both slippers into my hand.
“You did a number on me, Sonnie,” I sighed. “I don’t think this pain will ever free me from this cell. I’m a prisoner.”
I stared at the perfectly stitched fabric. The slippers had been a gift from my mother.
“Rhea– she was so happy to meet you. She’d waited for the day a man stole my heart. And, I’d be damned if you hadn’t. I appreciate you so much for allowing me to experience love.
“Though our time together was swift, it was a moment in time I’ll never forget. You were my soulmate. You were my person. They’ll never be another you, Sonnie. I miss you so much it hurts. You have destroyed me, completely.
“But, you have made me so much stronger in the process. I’m going to kill them all, baby. Everyone that had anything to do with the pain I’m feeling has to die. No one will survive my wrath. My rest won’t be in vain. I will study. I will train.
“And, I will avenge your death. I will make you proud, Sonnie, baby. Your death means war and I doubt that they have an idea of the amount of turmoil I will cause.”
“Rightfully so,” Chem added.
I whipped my head in the direction of his baritone. He was standing in the doorway with his shoulder against the frame.
“And, I’m with it whenever you’re ready. But, for now, you heal.”
“Okay.”
“How are you feeling?”
“A lot.”
“You need more rest. But, before you head back to bed, come downstairs. Rhea made dinner.”
“She knows I’m home?”
“And she knows you have requested privacy.”
“Did she stop by?”
“Aden brought the food,” he told me, “Come on.”
He left me sitting on the floor with Sonnie’s slippers in my hands. I placed them back under the bed where they belonged. I slid into mine and followed Chem downstairs and into the kitchen.
The water on the back of his neck and behind his ears told the story of his life. He had things on his mind that he wasn’t willing to burden anyone with, so he’d taken to the water.
“Have you left at all?”
“No.”
“You’ve been here this entire time?”
“I’ve been in the water, baby. Too many questions.”
“What’s on your mind?” I pressed, hardly caring about his discomfort.
He was willing to nurse me back to health. The least I could do was be a listening ear.
“How do you figure something is on my mind?”
“You’ve swam for nearly eight hours, Teddy. Something is on your mind.”
“You–” he revealed, “And, Egypt.”
“Everything okay with you two?”
“She got a positive pregnancy test this morning.”
“That’s good. Isn’t that what you wanted.”
“I also wanted to be there.”
My heart sank.
“It’s not your fault I wasn’t. Timing – timing was just fucked up. I wanted her to wait but… women. Y'all do what you want when you want.”
“I’d have to agree.”
Yesterday provided evidence to support his claim.
“Have a seat. Your food is in the warmer.”
“How are you feeling?” It was my turn to tap into that head of his.
He shrugged, “A lot.”
His smile was refreshing. It was contagious. I felt mine reach my eyes.
“You’re funny when you want to be.”
“I’m feeling good, baby.”
“Think it’s a boy this time?”
“I’m prayerful, but I don’t mind another Jru. Health is my priority. Gender– eh, not so much anymore. When I am ready for a son, he’ll come. Richie had seven girls after me. My chances aren’t looking too good, you know.”
“I’m one of them, so I know,” I chuckled.
He placed the glass dish in front of me. My mother had done well. Mixed vegetables, mac and cheese, and smothered chicken were all separated by dividers. She, too, hated for her food to touch.
Chemistry sat across the table in front of larger servings of each dish. He bowed his head, prompting me to do the same.
“Dear Lord, protect my family, peace, wealth, health and the hands that prepared this meal. Heal my people from things they don’t care to confront, discuss, or revisit. Soothe every ache in Rugger’s body. Bless my wife’s womb and her mental core as she carries my child to term. Amen.”
He lifted his head to find my eyes on him.
“What is it, baby?” He asked, forking his vegetables.
“Why don’t you go home, Teddy?”
“I’m right where I need to be, and I’ll be here until you’re feeling a lot less than you’re feeling right now. I won’t leave you lonely, Rugger. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. So, don’t fix your mouth to ask again.
“Hear me clearly when I say that you’re the most important thing in my world right now. That might change tomorrow or the next day… but right now… that’s what it is and that’s what it will be. Understand.”
“Yes,” I responded. “I understand.”
“Good, now eat your food.”
“Just– just one question.”
“What is it?”
I hesitated, unsure if I wanted to open the can of worms. I threw all caution to the wind when I came to terms with the fact that I’d rather hear it now than later when the healing truly began.
“Were you able to retrieve his body?”
“You don’t want to know that, Rugger. Why ask?”
“Because, I need to know.”
He shook his head as he lowered his fork, “Pieces of it.”
My mouth slacked as rage brewed inside of me. “P– pieces of it?”
“His torso. His right arm. His left leg. Hi–”
“Pieces of him?” I gasped, still trying to process what Chemistry had revealed.
“In several parts of the city.”
Flabbergasted, my neck reared backward. There wasn’t anything that could’ve prepared me for the news I was receiving.
“You will have your chance and you will send a clear message. For now, we rest and we wait. Your feelings are too invested at the moment.”
“I know,” I conceded, “I know.”
“Your food, Rugger. Eat.”
My appetite was weak, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave the table until I dug into my dishes. Teddy wouldn’t allow it. I started with the easiest to consume, mac and cheese.