Chapter 54 Giovanna
Giovanna
Antonio is watching me, waiting, pacing in the living room while I stand at the kitchen island drinking a glass of wine.
He’s been trying to pin me down for weeks now, trying to get me to talk about what happened on New Year’s Eve, and I’ve managed to avoid him until now.
I don’t think I can avoid him anymore.
I don’t know how to navigate this new normal, and neither does he.
We fucked, yes, or rather he fucked my mouth, but to me, he was just an extension of Tommy.
It’s clear from the look on Antonio’s face that he doesn’t see it that way.
“Gigi,” he says finally, his voice scraping across the air.
I grimace and swallow another gulp of wine, as he presses his palms together like he’s praying and tilts his head.
“Giovanna. We have to talk about it.”
“I don’t want to.
”
“Yeah, that’s obvious,” he snaps, though he reins it back in immediately, forcing his voice to calm.
“But we do.”
I set the glass down hard on the marble counter.
“Fine. Talk.”
He steps closer to me, brushes his hand over my forearm, then presses his palm on the back of my hand.
I stare at his hand on mine, biting the inside of my lip until I taste blood.
I don’t want him to touch me.
“You can’t look at me?
” His voice is irritated, and he taps my hand impatiently.
I lift my gaze up to meet his almost petulantly as I down the rest of my wine then slip my hand out from under his to grab the bottle.
“Seriously? I had my dick in your mouth, Giovanna, and you can’t even let me hold your hand?
”
I shrug. “Raw fucking and romance are two different things, aren’t they?
”
He scoffs. “So getting fucked in the mouth is easier for you than holding hands. Good to know.”
“If you’re going to be an asshole, we can end this conversation right now,” I snap, filling my wine glass to the brim.
Something in him shifts, and his expression hardens into something bitter and violent.
“I’m the asshole? You’re with me, but you’re still in love with him.
”
I don’t say anything. I don’t need to.
He laughs under his breath, short and mean.
“Now that I see how you like to be fucked, I realize I’ve been going about this all wrong.
Here I am, like an asshole, treating you like a princess when what you want is to get fucked like a whore.
”
I huff out a sigh. Why does liking the way Tommy taught me to fuck make me a whore?
“I’m not sure what your goal here is, but if you’re trying to romance me, you’re failing.
”
His laugh dies, and his jaw ticks. “You know what, Giovanna? I’m fucking tired of this.
Tired of being second place with you.”
“Then leave.” I say it before I think it through, but it’s been bothering me for months.
Why does he stay and put up with this bullshit?
What’s in it for him?
His eyes flash, bright with anger.
“Why don’t you leave me?”
I give a dry laugh.
“The real reason? I thought you were a nice guy. But I’m starting to get that my ability to judge people is a lot less accurate than I thought it was.
”
His brow furrows, and he drags his gaze up and down my body.
I’m suddenly very aware that I’m in a skimpy tank top and pajama shorts.
It’s late, I should be in bed, and I feel like he’s thinking the same thing but with a different intent.
“You thought I was a nice guy. So you let me take care of you, cook for you, fix things around the house, and apparently fuck your face when your ex forces me to at gunpoint, but I’m not good enough to really be with you?
” His voice is low, menacing, and he clenches his fists as he glares at me.
I shake my head. “I didn’t say that. I know I’m fucked up, Antonio, and I don’t know how to describe what this is between us.
”
“Try.”
I take a deep breath and assess him for a minute.
He’s angry, vibrating like he’s on the edge of losing his shit.
I don’t think he wants to hear that I used him to make Tommy jealous.
Racking my brain, I search for the diplomacy I so often counseled Tommy to take.
“I like you, Antonio. You’ve been in my life for a long time, and we’re friends.
We’ve always been friends.”
“I don’t think a friend would let me take her on dates and then fuck someone else, not once.
Not twice. But three fucking times now. And in case I haven’t been clear, I don’t want to be your fucking friend.
”
I nod. “I get that. But love—”
“Do not say that fucker’s name,” he growls, pinning me up against the counter and glaring down at me.
I press my hand to his chest, trying to get him to back up, but he doesn’t move.
“I wasn’t going to. But you asked why I don’t leave, so I’m telling you.
I don’t leave you because I want to be in love with you.
You’ve been a good friend to me, and I feel like I owe it to you to try.
”
“Tommy’s gotten laid on our dates more than I have, Giovanna.
Is that how you try?”
I open my mouth to speak, then close it.
In some fucked up way, being with Antonio feels like the closest I can get to Tommy.
They look a lot alike, they work together, Tommy knows him, and now I’ve fucked Tommy with him.
Leaving Antonio would be like leaving Tommy all over again, and I’m not ready to do that.
Plus, leaving Antonio might make Tommy think he has the green light to pursue us again, which would put his life in danger with his father.
I definitely can’t do that.
I start to speak and a sob comes out instead, choked and hollow.
I take a drink of wine, wishing I could wash away the guilt and pain along with it.
“Giovanna, this is your last fucking chance. If you want me—me and only me—fucking let me know right now.” He grips my shoulders roughly and forces me close to him so that I have to tilt my head back to look at him.
“Why don’t you leave me?” I throw the words at him.
Anything to stop him from trying to fuck me right here on the kitchen island.
His lips curl, bitter. “I can’t. Because Aurelio wants me with you, and so does your father.
They want us to run Luminous & Co together.
It’s the one fucking thing they agree on.
”
The truth settles over me like dust: neither one of us is in this relationship for love.
I nod once, empty. “So you never loved me. You were just doing your job.”
“No.” His tone is somber.
“I did love you. I might have been in love with you at one point. But watching the woman you love get fucked by someone else over and over pretty much kills that. What did you expect, Giovanna? You can’t be mad about that.
”
“I’m not,” I say, and I mean it. “I feel better, actually. All this time I thought I was the only asshole in this relationship, but you’re using me as much as I was using you.
”
He studies me, his eyes searching my face.
I don’t know what he’s looking for, but I don’t think he finds it.
He exhales sharply. “So what are we doing? Do we end this? Or do we try?”
He leans down, looking at my mouth, and one lock of hair falls over his eye.
Just like Tommy. I bite my bottom lip as I reach up and twirl it around my finger, then tuck it behind his ear, just like I’ve done with Tommy a thousand times.
When I force myself to meet his gaze, I’m surprised by the shock I see there.
“Holy shit,” he breathes. “You picked me because I look like Tommy. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen you do that to him over the years.
FUCK.”
He grabs the mostly full wine bottle from the counter behind me and throws it past my head, exploding it against the tile wall behind me.
My whole body jolts, my heart hammering, but before I can move he’s on me.
He grabs my arms, pinning them then crushes his mouth to mine, his teeth cutting my lip.
I freeze as his mouth roams over my neck and chest, ripping at my shirt, pulling it down to expose my breasts.
“You weren’t lifeless for Tommy,” he growls.
“You chose me to fuck with because I look like him, so take that next step in your twisted fucking head and pretend I’m him.
”
For a second, I’m too stunned to fight.
His hands roam over me, rough, demanding, but I’m rigid, resistant.
Then something sparks deep inside me, something white-hot, something primal.
I grab the nearest thing, my wine glass still half full, and smash it against his forehead.
The glass shards cut into me as much as him, as he reels back with a snarl.
My chest heaves, nails broken, my hand throbbing.
He swipes at the blood and wine on his face.
“Now you’re fucking awake. Is this what you do with Tommy?
Beat the shit out of each other when you fuck?
”
He goes low, grabbing my hips, pushing his head into my chest and trapping me against the kitchen island as he yanks at my shorts, tearing the fabric.
I hit him, scratch his cheeks, the back of his neck and shoulders, leaving bloody claw marks on his face and chest.
Shoving me off him, I slam into the counter as Antonio straightens, his eyes dark.
Both of our breathing comes in ragged gasps as we stare at each other, each waiting for the other to attack.
He touches the cuts on his neck and chest, then stares at the blood on his fingers like he doesn’t believe it’s real.
Slowly, his gaze drags up to mine. His eyes are molten rage, but underneath it, there is something else, something like acceptance.
“Leave me if you want,” he says, his voice gravel.
“I have to be here. This is my job. If you want out, get the fuck out. But if you stay, Giovanna, then fucking be here. Don’t be a ghost in your own God damn life.
”
I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and spit blood on the floor.
“As far as Aurelio and my father are concerned, you and I are together. But if you ever touch me again, Antonio?” I step in close, my voice as steady as steel even though my insides quake. “I’ll kill you in your sleep.”