25. Chapter 25
I finally stole a car and continued my journey back to Cornwall. My fingers tapped on the middle console as I thought about the shadow I saw.
I popped one of my anti-anxiety pills with shaking hands, chasing it with bitter gas station coffee. Caffeine probably wasn’t my friend right now. I tossed it to the side, not caring when it spilt on the upholstery.
My skin itched as the silence blared in my ears, leaving only my thoughts to fill the quiet.
That never ended well.
Stop me before I destroy everything.
“What is upsetting you, Dandelion?” The lights flickered.
My breathing grew louder as my chest tightened painfully. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get air in my lungs. The tiny car was getting smaller, compacting me from all sides.
If I drove the car over the median I wouldn’t feel so caged anymore.
That thought lingered for one second too long. I jerked the car over to the breakdown lane, before the idea could take root. Knowing me, I’d be a little bit too eager to find out.
I climbed out of the car, not even checking to see if anyone was coming. A car sped past me close enough for the window to graze my arm, but I didn’t care.
“Dandelion!” There was a growled warning to get back in the car, but I ignored it.
Instead, I sat down on the hill, on the passenger side, struggling to breathe.
In.
Out.
You idiot.
You fuck everything up.
That’s why no one will ever love you.
I let out a guttural scream to drown out the thoughts so I couldn’t hear them anymore. The cars on the highway swallowed the sound, even when I kept going until my throat was turned to torn, raw meat. The voices were winning.
“Dandelion, it’s okay.” Abiel wrapped his arms around me.
I knew what I saw.
Soothing lies weren’t going to help me.
“Don’t touch me!” I shrieked, and I guess I was distressed enough he did what I said.
“Maybe you should call Esme or Willow.” The grass burned away where he sat beside me.
Shame filled me and twisted my stomach more. How could I? I betrayed everything we stood for.
My head wasn’t right that night. They let me leave, but I hadn’t been ready. Nothing good could have been created that night.
And I was directly responsible for it.
Fuck.
How did I fix this?
Not by sitting here throwing a temper tantrum.
In.
Out.
Even after a few of those, my chest stayed tight. But it was easier to think, the answer was painfully basic for someone with my skill set.
I had to find a way to kill what I created.
If I found that, that meant I was obligated to kill Abiel too. He was a scourge on this planet.
My chest gave a tight squeeze, and I could swear my heart was ripping out of my chest.
This wasn’t fair. Abiel was a good man who’d been twisted by shitty circumstances. He didn’t deserve to die. He was the only person who wasn't family to treat me like I mattered.
I could contain him.
Right. There was no reason to get rid of him. I could keep him from hurting anything else.
“Tell me what is hurting you.” Abiel’s gentle command reminded me of why I liked him so much. He was probably a natural leader back in the day. Calm, level-headed, and ready to solve any problem that came his way.
The tall grass in front of me turned black at my feet, moving outwards in a wave. The field turned to nothing more than ash in a couple of slow seconds that dragged endlessly.
The braying of dying cattle bellowed over the sound of speeding traffic. Each cry grew wet, like they were choking on their own blood. Their bodies flopped on the ground, sending soot flying in the air, creating an eerie fog.
My heart sank into my stomach and twisted every organ inside me. I kicked my foot on the ground like if I stomped on something I could make everything stop.
Damn it!
Why couldn’t he hold his shit together for a few minutes while I lied to myself?
I wasn’t even allowed to feel without it killing everything around me, because if I was upset, so was he.
Not unlike William.
I’d spent a decade managing his reactions. Wasn’t this the same thing?
Kind of. Not really.
Yes. It was. If I had to monitor every word and expression on my face. It was exactly the same thing.
No. It’s for me. Not to manipulate me.
Fuck.
It didn’t really matter why. It was the same thing. I was repeating the same old patterns and sitting here justifying myself. I bit my lip until it bled.
“You’re hurting yourself. Stop!” My body obeyed, even though my mind never processed the demand.
Make me stop, please. You can make me stop. I needed him to control me. I knew he could do it, but the words couldn’t make it past my lips.
I killed monsters. That was who I was.
I didn’t fuck them.
I didn’t make them.
Maybe I didn’t know who I was. Things had changed since I made those vows. Maybe I didn’t want to know who I was now.
Who am I?
My breathing stopped as if waiting on the answer, but this time instead of an answer, nausea made my organs feel like they were being smothered.
Answer the question. Just to yourself. No one else has to know.
But inside was painfully quiet. It made me want to squirm.
No. It made me want to run and never look back.
Admit the truth. You aren’t who you thought you were.
Fresh tears fell from my eyes, and my hands shook.
The answer hovered right there in my mind, but…
I can’t deal with this.
I could answer the uncomfortable question. Which would lead to a worse question, with a worse answer.
Or I could make everything stop.
My next breath came easier even as my heart throbbed with agony.
Don’t do it. You always regret it.
“Dandelion?” The first inkling of doubt filled his voice.
He’d crawled under my skin and fucked everything up.
This was his fault.
“I know what to do.”
Once I did this, I couldn’t take it back.