7. Trixie
SEVEN
TRIXIE
I take in a deep breath, trying hard to stuff more bad thoughts into the mental box, which is already very full. No lock is going to shut it, because I keep adding more to it. My mom’s death, the bimbo and her evil words, her bastard son, and now Declan. How much more can I lock away?
Trixie
My message.
I throw my phone on the passenger seat and lean my head on the steering wheel. Would anyone even miss me if I died today? Dad doesn’t care enough to even spend an hour with me. My grandparents on both sides haven’t spoken to me since dad got remarried. They hate the bimbo as much as I do, they take that out on me and that’s not fair. So there is no one in my life who would even miss me.
All I need to do is cut myself a little deeper and let the blood escape. Fucking hell, what am I thinking?
The tap on the window pulls me away from my intrinsic thoughts, which I would like to say has only happened once, but that would be a lie. I’ve thought about it quite a few times.
Grabbing my bag, I get out of the car. Ash puts his arm around my shoulder and hands me his joint. My phone keeps beeping, but I ignore it and check my watch instead. I see the message.
Dick
Be at my house at 11am!
Rolling my eyes, I don’t bother looking at the others which came through. I take a long drag of the joint and turn to Ash, who’s laughing.
“We were wondering when Declan was going to make his move on everyone else. Well, I think the game is beginning,” Ash tells me as we join the group who are sitting in the garden.
Ash sent me a message saying everyone was going to his house after school and I could come over. I replied saying no because I didn’t know how long Declan would have kept me there, but all I want is to forget everything.
The way his hands gripped my hair, the way he held me so I choked on his dick, the way he grunted when my lips were around him.
I want to forget. I want to forget what happened last night. I want to forget everything about my life.
“My college application has been declined, with no explanation.” Erin cries. Kat is trying to calm her down.
“It has to be him. He said he was going to make us all pay.”
I don’t understand how this can be something to do with Declan. How could he even do that?
I lie down on the grass. There is nothing I can say to her to make her feel better. None of them learned sign language, and I’m not in the mood to write anything down for them.
I hear Ash trying to make her think of other reasons the college could decline her. Right now, with the small moments I’ve been with Declan, I bet he is behind it. He’s ready to make everyone pay for burning his car.
Looking up at the clear blue sky, I take another drag and close my eyes.
15 years old
“You smell nice, you always smell nice.” Robert presses his body into mine, hard enough so I can’t move away from him. I hate it when his lips touch me. They feel like fire, they feel like my skin is burning.
“Mom said I can play with you. You’re my gift.”
I knew she was a bitch.
I try to scream when he puts his hand down my pants. He moves his other hand over my mouth. So I try to fight him, and he pulls away from me and laughs.
“We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Either way, I get you. I was promised I would get you,” Robert shouts, and slaps me, then grabs my face. “I like the hard way.” He slaps me again and throws me to the floor.
“Trixie!” Ash shouts my name, pulling me away from the memory of the first time Robert hit me. “What’s Declan doing to you?”
How the fuck do I answer that question?
Grabbing my bag, I pull out the notepad and start writing.
Nothing. All he does is say a few words to me, then walks away.
How am I supposed to tell them the truth. I have a feeling if Declan finds out I said something, it’s only going to make my punishment worse. And right now, the last thing I want is to piss him off even more.
“He’s working toward something for you. Watch your back.” Ash takes the joint from me, and I think about his words.
Watch my back. A little too late for that, I think. He’s using me whenever he wants. That’s his punishment for me.
“The entire school is talking about the football and hockey season. Now we have to listen to all the stupid cheers.” I hear Kat as she lies down next to me, and I turn to face her. “I think we should have some fun at the first-”
“Are you crazy?” Erin says slapping Kat’s arm. “You’re thinking of messing with the hockey games? I’m sure Declan will burn our house down.”
I smile to myself.
He would do it, and maybe do more if he could.
“Our senior year and Declan is making us miserable-”
“You mean more miserable than you already are,” Ash tells her, which makes us all laugh because he’s not wrong. She is the moodiest out of us.
I don’t talk. But Ash, well, he likes to laugh now and again and sees the funny side of everything. Erin, I think she would prefer to be with the cheerleaders, but something happened there and they told her to fuck off, so she’s here with us.
“Trixie, I got you extra like you asked.” Ash hands me the bag, and I take some money and hand it over to him. I go to get up but stop when Ash grabs my hand. “You good?”
I nod, but he keeps hold of my hand, giving it a squeeze. He wants to ask me something, but he doesn’t at the same time. I can almost see the letters trying to form words in his eyes. I give him a smile, hoping it will convince him I’m okay. I’ve been lucky no one has seen the bandages around my wrists because of all the bracelets I wear. The other places I cut myself are covered anyway, but they are so small no one would ever question them.
“See you on Monday.” Ash finally lets go of my hand, and I nod before walking over to my car. I could stay with them, but I’m not in the mood to listen to how annoying everyone is at school.
I would rather sit outside my window and get high while listening to my music. Tonight I don’t know what will happen, nor do I know what tomorrow holds for me with Declan. All I know is, Robert will come into my room, and I’d rather be high so I can block it all out.
* * *
This is the last place I want to be after the fucked up night I had. There was a part of me which was thinking of not coming, but I feared he might come to the house like he threatened.
Robert has always made it clear I’m his and that no one else is to touch me. If they do, he will make me pay. And kill whoever touched what’s his.
A part of me wants to laugh at his words. I wish I hadn’t because he made good on his promise. In my last school, a boy asked me out, and he kissed me on the cheek. Two days later, I found out he was in a bad car accident and was in hospital. He was in the hospital for five months. It was the only warning I needed from Robert to make sure, while I was under this roof, no boy was to touch me.
But now I have Declan, who’s making me his puppet the same way as Robert does. A part of me wants Robert to know about him, so he’ll leave me alone. The other part can’t handle the guilt of something happening to someone else because of me.
I’m stuck with Robert, and for senior year, I’m stuck with Declan. There is no escaping my hell.
Grabbing my bag, I get out of the car and slowly make my way to the house. What’s the worst he can make me do today? Suck him off again. There’s no way he would rape me, would he?
Fuck, the thought makes bile rise in my throat, my stomach aching at the thought of it. With a trembling hand, I press the doorbell, hoping his mom answers the door. If she is home, then he won’t do anything bad. Well, that’s the hope.
The door swings open, which makes me jump, and I see one of his brothers. I don’t know their names, and have no interest in learning them either.
“He’s upstairs, third door on the left. Tell him I’m leaving,” he tells me and leaves the house. I close the door behind me, not bothering to look around to see if anyone else is here. I make my way to his room. Knocking, I open the door and he’s lying on the bed, and turns his head to face me.
Your brother said he’s leaving.
I quickly tell him as he sits up on the bed and looks me up and down.
“I’m sure I told you to wear something specific.” He doesn’t move. Just shakes his head at me.
He asked me to wear a dress, like I did yesterday. I didn’t not wear it to piss him off. I just forgot, probably because I wanted to cover some bruises on my body. Thanks to the ass, Robert. I just had to make sure I covered them.
“So what do I do now? You didn’t listen to me.” He finally stands up and walks over to me. He’s wearing gray bottoms and a plain white t-shirt, which fits him well. It’s a shame he’s an asshole. It makes him look ugly, even though he’s far from it. If the situation was different, I would find him very good looking.
He moves some of my hair away, and takes my bag from my shoulder, before placing it on the floor. I don’t look up at him, but continue to stare at his chest. He’s tall and big. A lot bigger than Robert, not fat, but a lot more muscle on him.
He walks around me, both hands on my shoulders, and he pushes me to walk. I take the chance to look around his room. It's a pretty simple room, really. There isn’t much here. A king size bed, chest of drawers, and a few weights to the side. Plain for a boy, which I think that’s what all boys’ rooms are like.
“If I tell you to do something, you do it,” he whispers in my ear. Then he stands in front of me, takes three steps back and sits on the bed. “So, now you tell me what you can do to make it up to me.”
I don’t reply, because I don’t want to do anything. If I say I’ll do this, then he knows I’m okay with this fucked up game of his, and I’m not.
“You can pick, or I will.” I turn to Declan, who is smiling at me as if this is a normal conversation with someone. I take in a deep breath and refuse to answer him. His eyes move up and down my body, and then he tilts his head slightly to the right. “Take off your clothes.”
Now, as you can imagine that makes my body tense.
He won’t rape me, he won’t rape me, he won’t rape me.
I have to tell myself repeatedly to believe it.
I don’t know how to play this game. How do I win against evil?
You want them off, you remove them.
The moment his lips curl into a smile, I regret my words. He licks his lips before getting off the bed, and I involuntarily take a step back, which makes him laugh.
“Now, you asked for me to take your clothes off. Remember that, you asked.”
Fuck, he’s right, he isn’t doing anything I haven’t asked of him. Why the hell did I ask him to remove my clothes? I thought it would be the smartest move to make him do it. I thought it would make him doublethink what he was asking. I was wrong. I’m mad that I was so stupid.
Declan stands in front of me, his eyes locked with mine. He places his finger on my jaw, then moves it down my neck. I feel the goosebumps prickle my skin. He moves to the top of my shirt and one by one, he undoes my buttons, pulling out my shirt from my long skirt. The moment his hand touches the skin on my shoulder to remove my shirt, I feel a shock from him.
Not breaking eye contact with me, I feel his hand on the side of my waist, at the zipper of my skirt.
I close my eyes as a tear escape. A tear I’m trying to hold back, but it’s not working. The fucked up thing is, I’m not crying about him removing my clothes, I’m crying because this is the most gentle my clothes have ever been removed.
How fucked up is my life? I’m about to stand naked in front of Declan, and the only thing I care about is how gentle he is?
I quickly open my eyes when I feel his tongue licking my teardrop. “I plan on tasting every part of you.” He lowers my zipper and undoes the button, and my skirt hits the floor. I can feel my heart beating so hard as I wait for him to remove my bra and panties.
I jolt when I feel his hand on my skin. He moves it around the back, and I finally open my eyes, and see he still hasn’t moved from where he is. Why is he not moving away?
My body tenses when I feel his other hand on my lower back, slowly moving his hands over my back, and stomach
Declan lowers himself to my ear and whispers. “So soft, and all mine now whenever I please.”