Ruin

17. Trixie

SEVENTEEN

TRIXIE

Robert parks the car, and the fear hits me when I don’t see dad’s car parked on the drive. I quickly open the door to get out and run. Run where? I have no fucking idea but anywhere is better than here. Before I can move he grabs my hair and pulls me back into the car.

“Do not test me!” he shouts.

He’s so angry because he thinks I’m with Declan, but I’m not. Declan has the same power over me as Robert does. But there are so many things which are different between them both. Declan hasn’t raped me—yet. Declan has never hit me, not once. When I was dancing on the table, and he got angry with his teammate, and said he would never hit a girl. Declan is different.

I try to close the door behind me, but Robert kicks it so hard I fall to the floor.

“You’re mine, remember that!” he shouts, and before I can get to my feet, Robert is sitting on top of me, slapping my face so hard the sting of it lingers over my cheek. I’ve seen Robert angry, but this is something different, this is pure rage and nothing else.

“Mine!” he screams as he rips the top of my outfit, his hand is wrapped around my neck, as his other hand pulls down my bra.

I try to fight him, try to push him away from me, but it’s not going to help me today. Nothing is going to help me today. This has been going on for years, and this is the first time I’ve seen him like this. Jealous.

“Trixie, let's go.” Lileah pushes me to walk out of the house, and I look over at Declan getting into his car. “Charlie, can I have your car? I'll drop it off in the morning.” I watch Declan’s car in the distance, and the tears I've been holding onto all night finally escape.

Robert raped me twice the other night when he took me out of school, all because he thought something was happening with Declan. Then he hurt me again this morning, and I didn’t want to go to school, because my body was hurting from the punches and kicks he gave me. Even now they hurt, but Declan scared me. I've never seen him like that before, or anyone with so much rage, until tonight.

Declan warned me, but I need a smoke to get Robert out of my head, off my body. When Declan touches me as crazy and fucked up as it is, I feel safe, but I could still hear Robert in my head, and I had to shut it off. I had to smoke, knowing it would anger Declan, but I still did it anyway. How can he tell me to stop, when he has no idea what I go through every night?

But the rage I saw in Declan had fear running through me, I wanted to scream for someone to help me. He was close to fucking me, but he stopped. He stopped himself, he isn’t the monster Robert is. Inside the hard shell he has, there is someone who knows there is a line, and he doesn’t want to cross it.

“Lileah!” Vinn shouts and we both turn to face him. “Tell your brother, he’ll pay for this.”

“Fuck you,” Lileah shouts at him, and takes my hand for me to get in the car. She rushes to the driver's side and gets her phone out. Whoever she’s calling answers on the first ring. “Cain, you need to find Declan. He sped off and got in a fight-”

“Lileah calm down, I’ll find him. Why did he start a fight?” Cain asks her, and Lileah looks over at me.

“Cain, he hasn’t been honest, he hasn’t slept in a few days, and we were at a party, and one of the guys started dancing with Trixie and he lost it.”

Why isn’t he sleeping?

“I know where he is. I’ll get him back.” The line goes dead, and Lileah stays quiet for a moment. She’s thinking about how she’s going to have a conversation with me. Declan isn’t here to tell her what I’m saying. I don’t want her to say anything, she is probably blaming me for what Declan did.

The drive back to my house is in silence, which was nice. I needed some time without having to think of anything. Lileah parks in front of the house and I see Robert opening the front door. Has he been waiting by the door for me or something, asshole?

“Trixie, I told you not to hurt my brother. It’s a shame he’s hurting himself.” She stops talking and turns to face me. “He thinks he just wanted to make you suffer, but I see it, I hope it’s not too late.” I open the door, and stop when Lileah calls me. “Don’t listen to anyone, you’re a pretty girl, and my brother would be lucky to have you.”

I get out of the car and Lileah drives off. Confused with what the hell is happening, why is Lileah saying things like that to me? Does she not know what her brother is doing to me?

Letting out a sigh, I look up at Robert waiting with the door open. God, I’m not in the mood for him. I walk up to the house, and straight past the asshole, all the while thinking about what I was about to do last night.

Robert left my room about an hour ago, he waited for me to get out of the bathroom, but I didn’t. I was too busy vomiting. The bastard raped me not once, but twice, and each time he made sure he hurt me more than the last. I vomited until I had nothing left in my stomach, then I finally came out and he wasn’t in my room.

I turn to the red numbers, beaming from my clock. It’s two in the morning, and there is only one place my mind drifts off to, the one time I thought my life would change, the one time I thought I could escape this hell.

But I didn’t, because no one wanted to believe me. I became the person who embarrassed the family.

Robert walks into my bedroom behind me, and I throw my purse on the bed, and get in the bathroom to shower. Before the door can close behind me, Robert slams his hand to keep it open.

“You can shower, while I watch,” he barks, and I turn to face him. “Just because I can’t touch you, because God wants to punish me by having you bleeding once a month, doesn’t mean I can’t watch your sexy body in the shower.”

I don’t want a shower, but I want one, maybe not to wash Declan off, but more to continue to wash Robert's touch. There are parts of my body which Declan has touched, which are slowly making me forget Robert has touched me there. And a part of me wants Declan to touch every inch of my body so he can erase Robert’s touch. But am I erasing one monster's touch to replace it with another?

Robert isn’t leaving, and I’m not in the mood to fight, I put the shower on, and wait for the water to warm up. Without getting out of my clothes, I step into the shower, wait for the water to steam up the glass before undressing.

I hear Robert call me a bitch, then hear the door slam shut. Thank God he's left, and I quickly take a shower trying to wash off every memory of me.

Did Declan stop himself from taking things too far with me because of guilt or because he likes me? Did I want him to take it to the next step? Yes, a part of me did because I was hoping having him touch me there would make me forget Robert has. Make me forget how Robert took my V-card in a horrible way.

Do I like Declan touching me to replace Robert’s touch? Yes, and what does that make me? A whore craving pain because I want Declan to cut me deeper, cut me so I can watch the pool of blood escaping me, and I wait and wait until more and more blood escapes me. Trying to get as close to death as I can, before I stop the blood.

Can Declan be the one to make me forget?

Do I want him to be the guy who saves me?

My finger moves to the spot Declan keeps cutting me, I can’t see what he is doing in the mirror, so I’m hoping touching the dried scab will give me some idea of what he is doing.

All I can feel is a circle, then a line next to it. What is he cutting on me?

I’m craving Declan, and I don’t know how to admit it.

* * *

I’ve not seen Declan at school all morning, and I don’t know why but I’m not going to ask anyone either. The nice thing about not talking is no one really talks to you. I didn’t hear from him this weekend either. Once he left the party, it was the last I saw of him. No phone call, no message, nothing. Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll leave me alone now.

“What is happening with Declan and you? The way he went crazy with Vinn. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him go crazy like that, not even when guys try to hook up to Lileah.” I turn to Ash who’s leaning back in his seat eating his sandwich. I asked him if we could go out for lunch, but he said no because he was hoping Declan would come into school and we could see the aftermath of the fight at the party. Rumor has it Vinn is still angry about it, and wants Declan to pay for what he did.

I get my notepad out, he is the only person I will write my conversation with.

Nothing is happening with him. He’s making sure I remember who burnt his stupid car.

Ash laughs, but stops when Lileah stands in front of our table.

“Trixie, get up, if D sees you sitting with him, it won’t be good.” Lileah locks eyes with me, but I don’t move. “Trixie-”

“She doesn’t want to leave the table,” Ash snaps at her, but the second Lileah turns to face him, it’s almost as if he's cowering down to her, and I have to stop myself from laughing, as I’m shocked Ash snapped at her.

“Declan will be here and-”

“She can sit wherever she wants. She has to mean something for me to care.” My eyes dart up to Declan, taking the books which Lileah is holding, and holds them for her. I study his face, and see the cut lip, and what looks like the start of a black eye on his left eye. He got into a fight, but why? I don’t know Declan and how he fights. I mean I got a small glimpse at the party with Vinn, but it looks like he had a fight and no one was stopping it. Where did he go? “She’s a whore who I don’t have the-”

“Declan,” Lileah snaps at him, but he ignores her, and pulls out the chair for him to sit on the other side of the table.

But all I can think about is the word whore, he called me a whore. The word isn’t something he’s just saying to annoy me; he wants to hurt me with his words. He needs to do better than that, because I get called a lot more every day by Robert.

But this new Declan can go two ways for me. He might leave me alone, and get bored, or he'll become worse than he already is. The fucked up thing, I don’t know which one I want.

He can’t do any worse to me than Robert, and his touch is the only thing which my body doesn’t hate at the moment. What the hell am I saying? If he’s bored, that’s a good thing, you can finish high school without having him annoy me and I can go back to being the girl who no one knows.

Declan turns to Erin and smiles. “Did you enjoy burning my car?” he asks her, making her whole body tense up, and she looks over at me. The only thing I can think is, about fucking time you punish the one who set your car on fire. “I’m going to take your silence as a yes, just so you know, no college is taking you this year, because you failed-”

“You can’t do that.” Erin shouts, and Declan laughs.

“I think I already did.” He stands up and locks eyes with me, and stares at me for a moment, then puts his arm around Lileah’s shoulder, and walks away.

I look around to see if I can see Vinn, but he isn’t here, but my eyes go back to Declan when he sits down laughing with his sister. He has his back to me, and I sit here wondering what the fuck did I do wrong, and why the hell do I care.

He’s ignoring me, isn’t that what I wanted, for him to leave me alone. It was, but it feels strange not having his eyes on me, wondering when he'll touch me. My body shivers at the thought of when the tip of his knife will cut me again.

Two days, and I’m missing the touch of the man who wanted to ruin me.

Getting up, I leave the cafeteria, and go to my locker to get my English books, plus I want to see if Declan has left me a flower there. Normally if he comes to school late, he always places one in my locker. My heart sinks when I don’t see anything, he really has pushed me out.

Grabbing my books, I slam the locker shut, and see Stephanie leaning on the locker next to me. What the hell does she want?

She takes a step closer to me and puts her finger under my necklace and plays with the dragon dangling off it.

“I knew he would wake up,” she starts, but I blur out her voice as the images in my head are much better than anything she is saying to me. Oh, how I wish she would shut up or I can throw her in front of oncoming traffic. Maybe even take the blade I like to cut myself with, and use it to slash her face, so her face can be as ugly as her words are. She pushes me hard, so I hit my back on the locker. “Are you even listening, you freak?” she shouts in my face, and I hear her friends behind her laughing.

“You know she can’t talk.”

“Leave the bitch, she looks like she’s going to cry.”

Now I have to stop myself from laughing, they think they could make me cry, are they stupid? God, I hate this place, just as bad as the last one. I don’t even know where I want to go after high school, because I don't think Robert is going to let me be free any time soon. I can leave the state, but he will follow me no matter where I go. He will always follow me.

No matter what happens he will always be there to make my life hell.

Rolling my eyes, I walk away from them and make my way to English class. The mood Declan is in, I have no idea how this is going to go, the only good thing about it is I get to draw.

Walking into class, I see Declan is already here, and he’s tapping on his phone, as Lileah and her friends are talking to him. Lileah looks up at me and smiles, then slaps Declan’s arm letting him know I’m here but he doesn’t look up from his phone.

“Trixie, take your seat.” Lileah gets up, and it takes me a moment to take a step forward, not able to stop looking at Declan. Not seeing him for two days, I’ve missed looking at his handsome face, his sexy lips curl at the corner at a message he’s received.

Finally, walking to sit next to him, I take in his aftershave, which is something I have missed, the spicy scent makes me happy, because it’s something I like, in my perfume.

Declan moves his chair slightly away from mine, and Lileah sits on the other side to him, and he leans in closer to her and shows her something on the phone. Taking out my pad, I draw, finishing the details to the piece I started a few days ago.

A girl in the middle of the sea, but under water, giving the energy she’s got nothing left to fight for.

The teacher walks in, and I lean down to get my A4 pad where I have been working on the comic book, and when I get up my drawing pad isn’t there, quickly turning to Declan as he looks at the image, then puts the pad in his bag. I’ve lost count on the amount of my pads taken from me now.

“Class today we are all working on the assignment.” That's all she says, and I open my pad ready to show him things I’ve been doing.

Before I can sign to him, Declan takes the pad, and looks through the ideas I have. I take in a deep breath, when he throws the pad back on the table, and leaves the classroom. Not saying anything to the teacher, he just leaves.

I would rather him be a dick to me than him not speaking to me.

I’m missing my bully being an asshole to me, and I’m missing his touch on my skin, and it’s only been two days.

My eyes move to my wrists, and remembering what lays behind all the bracelets. It was the only way I would remember even though I feel dead inside, the sight of the blood seeping out of me, tells me I’m alive.

Declan made me feel alive in a different way, he gave me what I craved. Pain.