35. Silas #2
He sighed, shifting in his seat. “You need to talk to me, man. I can’t help you if you don’t actually talk to me.”
Right. He didn’t know.
I’d kept her locked tight inside my chest, hidden away in some shame-riddled vault. Not shame of Lilith, shame for how I’d gone about things. From how I’d fucked it all up from the start.
“She’ s a woman I… got involved with,” I said, barely above a whisper. “Finn, I let her in, and it all went so wrong. So, so wrong.”
I paused, throat locking up as a sob threatened to bubble out of me, but I swallowed it down.
“She was hurt. Badly. It…” The words scraped against my throat like glass. “It wasn’t. It—”
“What do you mean she was hurt?”
“It happened again,” I muttered.
Finn’s frustration cracked through. “I don’t know what that means, Silas.” He stared at me, eyes sharp, searching for minutes on end, and then his face paled slightly, breath catching. “Oh. Oh.” His chair scraped against the floor as he sat up straighter. “Oh, shit. No. Is she—”
He couldn’t finish. He didn’t have to.
‘ Is she dead?’
The thought was a fist to my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head, trying to block out the mental image of what that would look like—Lilith cold and lifeless, gone.
“ No,” I said, my voice hoarse. “No, she’s alive. She’s still here.”
The breath rushed out of him, relief flashing across his face before his hand reached out to grip my arm. “Then what, man?” he asked quietly. “What the hell’s going on?”
“I was right,” I muttered. “That’s what’s going on.”
Finn’s brow furrowed. “Right about what?”
An unrecognisable, bitter laugh broke from me. “She got close to me, and she got hurt.”
“Right,” he said as he released my arm. “Break it down for me, please.”
I had to push the shame away, get over myself.
Everything tumbled out like an oil spill.
Every detail. Every dirty little secret.
From the first time I saw her at the gala, to the watching, the gifts, the texts, the pushing the pulling.
And then Clark.
The alley.
The blood.
The way she was lying in my bed right now, completely detached from the world, slipping into herself like she was disappearing.
By the time I was done, my breathing was ragged again, hands trembling against the countertop.
Finn didn’t speak. He just stared at me.
“I told you,” I said, my voice like sandpaper. “I let someone in. And she got hurt. I didn’t even let her all the way in. And look what happened, she doesn’t even—”
“Silas. Stop. Now .” Finn’s voice sliced through mine.
I shook my head, gripping the edge of the counter. “You don’t get it, Finn.”
“‘No. You don’t get it.” He squared his shoulders like he was about to go to war—with me.
“ I’m sorry that happened, dude. I am. But we’re done being gentle with this.
I’ve been soft on you for too long. Pandering to your belief system.
We’re doing harsh truths now.” His jaw clenched, eyes burning into mine.
“You’re gonna shut your mouth. And you are going to listen to me. ”
My jaw clamped shut.
“You think you’re cursed or some shit? That people get hurt because they’re in your orbit? That’s what this is?”
Yes.
That’s exactly what I thought. Because that’s exactly what happened. I’d convinced myself for five fucking minutes, that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t happen. That I could let her in without it ending in disaster. And then the universe shot me a big ‘ fuck you,’ and proved just how wrong I was.
I nodded once.
“That’s bullshit,” he snapped. “What happened? That’s not because of you. It’s because there are terrible people out there who make choices. Really fucking stupid choices. But they are their choices, not yours.”
“But it wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t—”
“I said shut your fucking mouth!” he snapped, slamming his palm against the counter. “I’m not done!”
I flinched, breath hitching, but I didn’t look away.
“I know how much the shit with Katie wrecked you,” he said. “I know how deep that pain went. How deep it goes . But you’re twisting it in your head, and it’s controlled your whole life for too long.”
Tears burned hot behind my eyes.
His voice softened. “Look at me.”
I did.
“Not everyone who loves you gets hurt, dude,” he said, slower now, like he was forcing me to absorb every single word. “Your mom. Your sisters. Your nieces and nephews. Me. My family. We love you. Has anything happened to us? Are we broken? Dead? Gone because of you?”
He held my gaze, then after a beat, he nodded. “Oh. You can speak now.”
I swallowed hard. “That’s different.”
“No. It’s really not,” he said. “I don’t know why you think these things are your fault. I really don’t.”
“If I wasn’t in her life—”
“What a bout if you hadn’t been?” His voice cracked. “If you weren’t in her life, she’d have been alone. No backup. No one to pull her out. She might not have made it home that night. You did that. You saved her. She’s alive because of you.”
“But she’s not okay.”
“No,” he admitted. “But she’s healing .”
“ That’s not the same thing.”
“Fuck, dude,” He exhaled hard. “Why do you always do this? You’re not the bad guy.
You didn’t put her in that alley. You didn’t lay a hand on her.
You’re acting like it’s some kind of cosmic punishment.
But this wasn’t destiny, or fate, or a curse, or whatever bullshit you’re spinning in your head.
This was one man’s choice. An awful, disgusting choice. But it was his. Not yours.”
“But I let her get too close,” I said, barely audible.
“Let her get too close?” He shook his head. “Silas, do you think you’re supposed to keep people at arm’s length forever? You think you can love people from a distance, and that’ll be fine?”
I couldn’t look at him.
“Silas. I love you, man. So damn much.”
I stared at the floor, jaw tight.
“When I was at my lowest, you made me keep fighting. You dragged me out of some serious shit and didn’t let me drown in it. Because that’s what you do. And you did it for her too. And you can sit here, telling yourself you’re poison or bad luck. But none of that changes the truth. You saved her.”
His stare burned into me. “Tell me it’s not your fault.”
I didn’t answer.
“Please. Say it.”
“I can’t.”
His hands curled into fists against the marble. “Tell me it’s not your fucking fault.”
I couldn’t. I couldn’t say it.
He exhaled sharply through his nose, nostrils flaring. “I swear to God, Silas. Tell me it’s not your fault.”
I swallowed, my throat raw, the ache in my chest unbearable, body trembling against my own thoughts. “It’s not my fault.”
He nodded, like that was enough. But it wasn’t. “Good. Again.”
I sucked in a shaky breath. “It’s not my fault.”
Louder this time. “Again.”
I gritted my teeth, closing my eyes. “It’s not my fault.”
“Good! Now do you fucking believe it?”
No.
But I for ced the lie out anyway. “Yes.”
He let out a breath, dragging a hand through his already-messy hair. “Thank fuck for that.”
I knew he didn’t believe me. Not really. But he let it go, and straightened, rolling his shoulders back like he was shifting gears, like he was ready to move on to a topic he could do something about.
“Now,” he said. “Tell me more about this Clark. His choice or not, no way he’s getting away with this bullshit. So start talking. What do we know about this asshole?”