58. Silas
CHAPTER FIFTY EIGHT
Present Da y
“ I tried to find him.” The words came out rough, scraping against my throat like gravel.
“But I was just a college kid. No money, no resources, no idea what I was doing.” My chest tightened.
“And while I was wasting time running in circles trying to be some half-assed detective…” I swallowed hard.
“He killed two more girls. Just like Katie. Same method. Same… everything.”
The air felt too thin, like it couldn’t fill my lungs fast enough.
“They found him a few weeks later. Repeat offender. Known for assaulting women. In and out of the system for years. The kind of guy who should’ve been locked up a long time ago.
” I let out a hollow laugh. “And he didn’t even run far.
Two towns over, sitting in some pawn shop trying to sell the girls’ valuables.
Katie’s necklace was still in his pocket. ”
My breath shuddered out of me. “I wasted so much time. And for what? If I’d just been faster… if I’d tried harder… maybe they wouldn’t have—”
I cut myself off. “And then came the trial. Her parents. Her friends. All of them whispering when I passed, looking at me like I was no better than him.”
I stared down at my hands. At the hands that had tried to save her, that had been covered in her blood.
“They all thought it was my fault,” I admitted. “If I had just—” my throat tightened, the words sticking like barbed wire. “I heard them say it.”
“‘She died because of him’ ‘If he had just been there’ ‘If she wasn’t on her way to see him .’”
“I sat in that courtroom for over a month, listening to every disgusting thing he did to her before I found her. Every last detail.” My hands curled into fists. “And all I could think about was how I could’ve stopped it.”
I blinked hard against the swell of tears in my eyes. “The guy got life. No parole.” A short, bitter laugh escaped my throat. “Like that was supposed to mean something.”
I didn’t realise I was shaking until my fingers brushed against my leg, the tremor unmistakable.
“That’s when I vowed to myself I could never let anyone love me again.” The words scraped out of me, hoarse and broken, barely audible over the blood rushing through my ears. “I didn’t want it to happen again. I didn’t want someone to get close to me, just for them to get hurt.”
I looked up. Somehow, we’d both ended up on the floor. I wasn’t sure when or how it had happened—if my legs had finally given out or if she’d sunk down first.
She didn’t move. Didn’t speak. But she was crying.
Lilith never cried.
Tears slipped down her cheeks, tracking over the delicate line of her jaw, spilling silently into the hollows of her collarbones.
She wasn’t yelling at me. She wasn’t telling me to get the fuck away from her. She wasn’t telling me I was a monster.
Why?
Why the fuck not?
She should’ve been disgusted. Should’ve told me she never wanted to see me again. But instead, she was just watching me.
Her lips parted on a small fragile breath. “Silas… It’s not…”
No. No.
I shook my head. “Don’t.”
Her brows knit together, lips trembling, but I couldn’t let her say it. I didn’t deserve whatever she was about to tell me.
“Please. Don’t say it wasn’t my fault. Don’t tell me I don’t have to carry this. Because I do. I fucking do.”
She reached for me, but I jerked back, shaking my head so hard it made me dizzy. I didn’t deserve to touch her.
“I should’ve—”
“No.” Her voice was firm. “You weren’t responsible for what happened. It’s not your weight to carry.”
My hands shook so fiercely I curled them into fists, trying to force them still.
“I just—” I sucked in a sharp lungful of oxygen. “She was coming to see me. If she hadn’t been—if I had just—” the words caught in my throat like glass.
If I’d just a nswered. If I’d just given a shit instead of brushing her off. If I’d just cared enough to pick up the damn phone. Instead, I ignored her. Left her out there alone.
And now, she’s dead.
My fault. My fault. My fault.
“And I hurt you too.” I rasped. “I thought I was protecting you. But I hurt you. Just like I hurt her.”
I was spiralling, falling too fast, too hard. My ribs were caving in.
“Lilith,” my voice splintered. “I’m so sorry.”
“Silas. Look at me.”
I couldn’t.
“Silas.”
The words kept coming, tumbling out in a broken, desperate mess. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I swear to God, Lilith. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. My chest was splitting open.
“I just wanted to keep you safe. I thought—I thought I was protecting you.”
But all I’d done was hurt her.
Just like I’d hurt Katie.
“I never wanted to—” The words kept falling from my lips, slipping out like a prayer to a god who wouldn’t fucking listen. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
It wasn’t enough. Would never be enough. But I couldn’t stop saying it.
“Silas.” Her voice cracked through the static. “Listen to me. Right now.”
I shook my head, pulse slamming hard against my skull. “If you love me. You get hurt. If you love me—”
She was still crying. Silent, steady tears slipping down her cheeks.
I’d done that.
I wanted to kiss them away, to make it all go away.
My hands trembled against my thighs. “I fucked everything up.”
“No. Stop, Silas.”
“I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. But I did. I ruined everything. It was my fault Clark got to you. Everything was my fault. And now—” I shook my head. “I can help you pack. You can run for the hills, Lilith. I won’t stop you. I won’t follow you. I swear it. I promise.”
“No.” Her voice snapped, loud as she reached for my hands. “You’re not doing this. You’re going to listen to me. Right now. You are not doing this.”
I tried to pull back, but she held firm, her fingers threading through mine.
“Silas.” Her voice cracked, but she didn’t let go. “I didn’t fucking love you when it happened.”
The words slammed into me.
“Shit. We were in a lust-fuelled haze. And I’m sorry if that hurts, but it’s the truth.”
It was a knife between the ribs. Sharp. Searing.
“So, no. It wasn’t your love that hurt me.
It wasn’t you. It was his twisted idea of love.
It was him .” The words fractured the air between us.
“I’m so damn sorry. I know you meant well with everything you did—with everything that you still do.
But you have no damn clue what it was like before you even knew I existed. ”
Pressure crawled up my throat. I didn’t know. I thought I did. But I didn’t.
“You think the gala was a one-time thing?” A rough, humourless laugh ripped out of her. “I was bruised, Silas. I was beaten down, drained, barely breathing for months before you ever saw me. I was scared to exist in his orbit. But I kept thinking it would change—if I could—”
She cut herself off, exhaling hard, like she could push it out of her brain.
“You think it was you who hurt me?” She shook her head.
“You were only there for two minutes of it. If that. You weren’t even a thought in my universe when it started.
Shit, you weren’t even a thought in my universe when it ended .
If it wasn’t for you—” her voice broke apart, but she didn’t stop.
“I could be my mother, stuck in a cycle of hurt and abuse. Shit. I could be dead right now. I could be six feet under. A bruised, bloodied corpse. But I’m not. ”
She sucked in a sharp, trembling breath, and a choked sob tore from her throat. Raw. Gutting.
Lilith. Didn’t. Fucking. Cry.
It broke me. I tried to hold it back, tried to keep it together, but the sight of her shattered, breaking, still standing in the middle of the wreckage—it ruined me. My chest caved, tears burning hot behind my eyes, slipping free before I could stop them.
“I’m not, because you helped,” she choked out, wiping at her face, fingers trembling.
“Lilith—”
“No.” She swiped at her cheeks again, trying to pull herself back together, trying to make me hear her.
“You really think he wouldn’t have found me one way or another?
That if you weren’t around, he’d have just…
stopped? No. He would’ve found me. He would’ve gotten to me, Silas. And I would’ve been alone.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the tears to stop.
“You didn’t hurt me. You saved me. You are a good man, Silas Graves.”
The words hit me like a blow to the gut.
“You can sit here and tell me otherwise. You can keep punishing yourself for things that weren’t your choice, but it doesn’t change the fact that people getting hurt, isn’t your fault.
You looked out for me when you didn’t even know me.
You didn’t have to. But you did. You brought me here. You looked after me.”
I sucked in a sharp breath, like I could swallow it down, like I could save myself from being crushed. Another tear slipped down my cheek and Lilith—my Lilith—lifted a hand, catching it before it could fall .
“You’re a good person, Silas. You’ve torn yourself apart just to help me. Yes, it hurt how you did it. But you are everything. You were the man in the shadows. The one that made me breakfast, delivered it to my doorstep in silence, and gave me damn literary quotes before I even knew you existed.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but she wasn’t done.
“You were the creep in the street who saved me from being hit by a damn bike. You were the one who tracked me down in the night to make sure I was okay. You are the one who pulled me from that alley and cared for me. You are the man that holds me tight when I sleep. You are the one that bandages my stupid wounds, inside and out. You are the one who makes sure I’m okay, whenever you can.
You are the man who just spilled his heart out to me and has no idea how much I appreciate that.
How honoured I feel that he’s let me in. ”
Her lips met my forehead, warm and slow, and my heart fractured.
When she pulled back, her gaze levelled with mine. “What happened to me—to Katie. That’s not on you. Please, please, believe me.”
Her fingers tightened around mine, nails digging in deep, grounding me, keeping me from spiralling into the abyss that had been clawing at my heels for years.
“Do you forgive me?” My voice cracked, shame coiling low in my stomach.
“For what?”
“For… for everything.”
“No.” Her answer came fast. “Because there’s nothing to forgive you for. Please… just stop.”
I tried to pull my hand free, to turn away, to let the weight of her words slide right off me, because they didn’t belong to me. But she wouldn’t let go.
“You don’t get it,” she said, her voice cracking along the words. “You don’t get what you’ve done for me.”
I froze.
“You’ve given me something I never thought I’d have. Safety. I didn’t think I was capable of this,” she gestured to her chest. “Of feeling this… of wanting this.”
Her fingers curled tighter, her knuckles going white.
“But you… you’ve made me feel more alive than I have in my entire life.
And I—” Her voice broke completely, and for a second, she just stared at me, eyes wide and unflinching.
“I need you to know that. Even if you never believe me… I need you to know.”
I dragged her against me, wrapping my arms around her so tight it felt like I was holding my own ribs together.
I buried my face in her hair, breathing her in, grounding myself in the way she felt, the way she smelled, the way her fingers dug into my back like she was just as terrified of letting go as I was.
“I don’t know how to stop,” I murmured, voice cracking.
“I don’t know how to stop hunting for him.
” I squeezed my eyes shut like that might somehow stop the panic from bubblin g up my throat.
“He hurt you.” My fingers flexed against her back.
“Sei l’amore della mia vita.” The words came out rough, tangled with something too big to swallow. “I don’t know how to calm down.”
She pulled back just enough to look at me, her eyes wide and glassy. “We take it one step at a time,” she said softly. “Okay? But you have to let me in.”
Her fingers brushed up the back of my neck, finding the hair at my nape, grounding me. “No more locked office doors. No more shutting me out and disappearing into your own head.” Her voice caught, but she kept going. “You don’t have to do this alone. I won’t let you.”
I let out a shaky breath, the weight of it dragging my shoulders down. “I’m scared,” I admitted. “I’m fucking terrified.”
“I know. Me too.” She cupped my face, fingers cool against the heat of my skin. “But we’re not doing this apart. Whatever happens… it’s you and me, okay? You just have to trust me enough to let me help.”
“I don’t know how to let go,” I whispered.
“You don’t have to,” she said firmly. “Not yet. Not until you’re ready. But I need you to stop pretending you can carry all this weight by yourself.” Her hand slid down, over my chest, splaying over my heart. “So whatever happens next? You let me carry some of it too.”
“Okay,” I said hoarsely. “Okay.”