69. Lilith
CHAPTER SIXTY NINE
Present Day
I t was just the two of us now, sealed in a space heavy with so much spilled emotion.
And the sobs wouldn’t stop tearing out of me.
Ugly. Guttural. Loud sobs.
The kind that had my chest heaving and my throat raw.
I’d cried in front of him before, but never like this.
I’d never cried like this in front of anyone .
But now? Now it was pouring out in messy, disgusting sobs that had my whole body shaking.
My arms were locked tight around his neck, fingers digging hard into his shirt. My legs clung around his waist and my face was buried into the crook of his neck.
I knew I was a mess, hot tears soaking into his skin, breath gasping, heart racing at a million miles an hour. But his heartbeat thumped steady and calm beneath my cheek.
“I don’t want you to feel like that,” I choked out. “I don’t… I don’t want you to know what that feels like.”
“I know how it feels, sweetheart,” he murmured, rubbing circles over my back. “I know. I’m sorry you’ve felt it too.”
“No,” I sobbed, shaking my head. “No, you don’t know how it feels.”
“Lilith—”
“You don’t. When you stand there, when you’re helpless, when you’re trying so fucking hard, but you know—you know —you can’t do a damn thing… it’s different.”
My breath hitched, sharp and jagged, fingers twisting deeper in his shirt.
“It’s not the same as choosing not to do anything. Those two things, they’re not the same. Trust me.”
He moved, sinking onto the edge of a bed, still holding me close as his fingers curled around the base of my neck, keeping me steady.
“You don’t forget,” I whispered. “When you choose to let someone die. It stays with you. It sticks. You can’t outrun it. You can’t forget, no matter how hard you try. It just lives inside you. I don’t want you to go through that, and honestly, I don’t think I could go through that again.”
I pulled back to search his eyes. He needed to understand.
“I don’t regret leaving her,” I said quietly. “I don’t regret not saving her. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t stay. It’s still there. Still in my head, still… stuck to me.”
He shifted, hand sliding from my neck to cup my face as he brushed his thumb gently under my eye, catching the stupid tears that wouldn’t stop. He didn’t say anything, just kept wiping them away, one after the other.
“I didn’t let him live for him. I let him live for me. For us. For you. Because you deserve to be okay too.” I dragged in a shaky breath, trying to pull myself together, but I couldn’t get in enough air. “You carry so fucking much, Silas. I don’t want you carrying this too.”
His hand stilled against my face. His jaw was set hard, and his irises were swallowed up by his pupils.
“I know you wanted revenge,” I said. “And I’m so sorry I took that away from you.” My breath hitched, and my voice cracked right down the middle. “But I love you, and you deserve so much more than that.”
“Lilith—”
“You deserve to feel safe.” The words spilled out faster now, like I had to get them out before they swallowed me whole.
“You deserve to sleep at night without waking up and hearing his voice in your head. Without seeing his face every time you close your eyes. Without feeling like you’re still there—stuck in that moment, trapped in whatever nightmare he left you with.
I don’t want that for you. I won’t let that happen to you. ”
He started pressing soft, barely-there kisses to my temple, my cheek, my jaw. Tiny, desperate kisses, like he was trying to catch every tear before it could fall.
“You’re the only person who’s ever made me feel like I could stop running,” I said. “And I don’t want to be the reason you start. You’ve been through enough, Silas. I can’t add to that.”
He pressed his forehead to mine, breath unsteady, his thumb tracing soft circles below my ribs, like he was smoothing out the ragged edges of my panic.
“I’m sorry if I’ve made this harder for you,” I said, voice barely a whisper now. “But I know I did the right thing. I know I did.”
“I know,” he murmured. “I know, sweetheart.”
“Please don ’t hate me for this. Please don’t hate me for this.”
“Lilith…”
“I couldn’t stand it,” I said, my breath stuttering. “If you looked at me like I’d taken something from you, like I’d ruined something, I couldn’t take that.”
My fingers twisted in his shirt, pulling hard like I could anchor myself to him. “I know I’m not easy,” I choked out. “I know I push too hard and too fast, but I… I can’t lose you. Not you.” My breath hitched again.
“Please tell me you’re still here,” I whispered. “Please tell me you’re mine.”
His arms tightened around me like he was trying to hold me together. “Of course I’m here,” he said. “Of course I’m yours.”
His hand slid up into my hair, fingers curling firm against my scalp. “I’ve been yours since the second I laid eyes on you at that damn gala. Since you sat there in that beautiful black dress. With your cigarette—even though you don’t smoke—and that scent… honey and incense.”
His thumb traced along my cheek, warm and steady. “You were sitting there with your mascara smudged, eyes red, still holding yourself like you were too proud to fall apart in front of anyone.”
He let out a short, breathless laugh. “I don’t know why that’s when it hit me. But it did. Right then. That’s when I knew.”
I swallowed hard, my breath stuttering. “Knew what?”
“That I was fucked,” he said simply. “That I couldn’t just walk away from you. That whatever this was—whatever you were—I wasn’t getting out of it clean. I spent half my life learning how to survive without anyone. And now, I can’t imagine surviving without you.”
My breath caught.
“I love you too, Lilith,” he said, the words breaking loose from his trembling lips. “I’ve loved you since— fuck , since before I was even allowed to.”
He cupped my face then, tilting my chin up until I couldn’t avoid his eyes. “Every last damn part of you. Even the parts you think are too messy or too broken—I love those most of all.”
He loves me too? Oh fuck… did I tell him I loved him?
“You scared me,” he muttered. “When you dove in after him. You scared the shit out of me.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m serious,” he said, his voice sharpening. His arms tightened again, like he still didn’t trust I was real. “I thought I was gonna lose you. And I… I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had.”
“Don’t say that,” I muttered. My voice was thin, shaky. “You wouldn’t have—”
“Don’t tell me I wouldn ’t have,” he cut in, his voice rough. “Because we don’t know that. You’re the only thing holding me together, Lilith.” His breath hitched. “I don’t know what I’d be without you, and I don’t… I don’t want to know.”
My throat closed up, the ache in my chest swelling like I was about to explode.
“Did you mean it?” His voice dropped low, but no less desperate. “When you said you love me… did you mean it?”
“Yes,” I said, the word breaking out of me before I could stop it. “Yes, I meant it.”
His hand shifted, his fingers moving to my face, his thumb skimming slow beneath my eye like he was memorising every inch of me.
“I love you, Silas,” I said, the words spilling out, raw and certain. “I love you so fucking much.”
He exhaled hard, like I’d knocked the breath out of him. “You sure? Because if you’re just saying it—”
“I’m not,” I cut him off. “I’m not just saying it. I love you, and it’s terrifying, because you’re the only person I’ve ever let get this close. The only person I’ve ever wanted to be this close—” my voice splintered, and I couldn’t finish.
“I’m here,” Silas murmured, his forehead pressing against mine. “I’m right here.”
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
“Me too. You’re in every thought I have,” he said, kissing my cheek. “You are in every single breath I take.”
My hands shook. I couldn’t stop it. Everything inside me felt too big and loud, like my ribs were splitting open trying to hold it all in.
“You’re in me, Lilith,” he whispered. “Tangled into every single cell, every molecule, every pulse of my body. I don’t know how to love you in any way but this.
” His voice cracked, and I felt his chest jerk beneath my hands.
“I don’t know how to do it soft, or careful, or in pieces.
I only know how to give you every fucking part of me. ”
I couldn’t breathe. His words were swallowing me whole. But I didn’t want him to stop.
He kissed my forehead, warm and slow.
“Every second,” he whispered, kissing the tip of my nose. “Every moment of my life since I met you—since before I met you, even—has led me right here. Right to you.”
Self-preservation wasn’t even a concept at this point. Big, ugly sobs were choking me and my chest kept stuttering, air hitching sharp and ragged in my throat like my lungs had forgotten how to work.
He kissed me again, slower this time, like he was giving me time to catch up, to feel everything he was pouring into me.
“I’ve never wanted anything in this life the way I want you.
I don’t deserve you. I don’t. But I will spend every second, every breath, trying to be the man you do deserve.
” His forehead press ed to mine again. “You are mine, Lilith. And I am yours. Every second. For the rest of my goddamn life—if you’ll have me. ”
“Yes,” I choked out, dragging in a breath. “Yes, Mr. Stalker, ‘ creep in the shadows, bringer of breakfast’ … I’ll have you.”
His mouth parted, and I could see it—the relief, the disbelief, the absolute wreckage of everything we’d just dragged ourselves through.
“I love you,” I said, my voice breaking wide open. “I love you so damn much.”
His lips met mine again and I kissed him back just as fiercely, clutching at him, dragging him closer like I couldn’t get enough of him, like I didn’t know how to stop.
“I love you,” he muttered against my lips, like he couldn’t say it enough. “I love you.”
“Io ti amerò per sempre,” I winced, hoping I hadn’t butchered the pronunciation.
His breath hitched and he pulled back just enough to look at me, a quiet smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.
“Per sempre?” he echoed.
Then he kissed me again, slow and deep, like he was trying to carve the words into my skin, like he was making sure I felt every damn ounce of them.
“For fucking ever.”