52. Win
52
Win
W ho I am— this fragmented version of myself— is held together by bloody, fraying stitches. But they’ve been snipped. I’m unraveling into a pool of tainted memories. Old pain renews, grinning menacingly as its sharp teeth sink into scars, ripping them open and exposing the rot beneath.
Internally, I’m screaming, fighting, thrashing.
Externally, I’m huddled in the corner of my bedroom, staring into the abyss.
A bang shakes the walls of the guest house.
The paralysis breaks.
I spring to my feet, muscles twitching, eyes darting to the door as a figure crashes through.
“Win! You better be in here or I swear to fuck…”
Remy’s voice trails off as panicked hazel eyes lock on me. He sags in relief, his grip on the doorknob the only thing holding him upright.
You’re torturing him .
His lips part —
I can’t do this. Not now.
“Go.”
My voice is a serrated blade.
He recoils like I slapped him.
“No.”
I roll my jaw as the agony inside mutates into volcanic anger. Flinging my arms wide, I paste a sardonic smile on my face.
“Then say it. Say what you’re really thinking,” I hiss, stalking toward him. “I’m unreliable. I’m not worth the hassle. I’m a trainwreck .”
“Win,” he pleads.
These venomous words burn me as much as him, but I can’t stop.
“I’m a waste of time. I’m a lost cause. I’m—”
“ Enough .”
“For fuck’s sake Remy, I know you’re thinking it!” I shout. He winces. It's a gut punch. “All I ever do is hurt you, over and over and over. Just admit that I’m a fucking burden!”
His head is shaking back and forth. “Love—”
“Say it! Say—”
“I know!” he yells, tears glistening on his lower lashes.
Time stops.
There’s nuclear waste contaminating the air, stinging my eyes and scorching my lungs.
“Know… what?”
Swallowing hard, his voice barely breaks the sound barrier. “What they did to you.”
I’m trapped. Suspended in a time-space-continuum. It’s a vacuum: no gravity, no atmosphere.
He looks away.
Squeezes his eyes shut.
Struggles to breathe .
I’m losing him again to this never-ending nightmare, only this time, I’m forced to look at his beautiful face as he deals a gentle death blow. Potent fear injects into my veins. Ice. Fucking. Cold. But the cold doesn’t numb the agony peeling the last sliver of hope from my bones.
“Can't even look at me, huh?” I choke. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’m too pitiful. Too broken. Too dirty. Just a whore who wanted it—”
Suddenly, we’re nose to nose, bright, vibrant anger radiating from him into me. I clamp my jaw to hide the trembling. His nostrils flare, chest bumping mine with each furious breath.
“I know what I saw and that was the furthest thing from wanted,” he growls.
Saw…
We should show him what he’s been missing.
Saw…
Wait, let’s film it so he can learn!
Saw…
He’s not going to tell anyone. He wants it.
“You… saw it?”
His face blurs. A knife drives through my heart. The phantom scent of damp earth fills my nose. The ants have returned and they're covering me head to toe—
Fingertips brush my bicep.
I stumble back.
“Love, please, come here—”
“Get away from me!” I roar. Hold me. “I don’t want your pity!”
He’s shaking as hard as me, fuming as he clenches and unclenches his fists. “I’d never pity you, Win,” he says, voice low and dangerous. “Not when I know how fucking strong you are for surviving that and everything since.”
He doesn’t mean it. He can’t mean it.
“Get out.”
He doesn’t move. “I’m not going anywhere.”
It’s a lie. He’ll leave me now that he knows the truth.
Please stay.
“You’re better off without me.”
Huffing through his nose, he arches a brow. “Bullshit.”
He’s making this impossible.
“I’ve already done exactly what you said I would the day we met. I ruined someone’s life. Yours .”
The corner of his lips lifts in a sad smile. “You’re right, but also wrong. Because yeah, you did… but I wanted you to.”
I shouldn’t have left you. I should’ve told you. I should’ve kept our promise. But I am, and always have been a coward.
“Get. Out.” Two whispered words: one vicious command.
Stubborn and relentless as the sun, he won't listen. Go. I can’t stand to be this exposed. Let me exist in perpetual misery alone. No. Please don’t leave me. Save me from this pain.
Before I can stop myself, I’m tossing a grenade directly at his heart.
“I don’t need you.”
The bitter taste on my tongue turns acrid. I don’t want to watch but I can’t look away as the lie lands.
This is it.
I’ve destroyed everything.