18. Ember
Ember
I pushed the door to the bookstore open and stepped out onto the small stairs, my legs barely standing from the weight of my things. I had been ravaged, again. What happened in there with Silas hadn't exactly been a mistake, but I had given him another chance to turn me into a complete mess.
Setting my things down, I positioned the key in our hidden spot, the one that Atlas would find it in tomorrow morning. That part was easy to take care of, I just needed to send a simple text and hope that Silas meant what he had said about the cameras.
Silas.
He was an asshole, a monster, and everything I wanted.
That fucking guy made me so angry, so confused...and so horny. The storm he caused inside of me was the perfect combination of rage, lust, and a continuous stream of questioning myself. Even thinking about him now caused me to descend deeper into the hurricane within my mind.
Starting the walk home, I held on to my small box and fixed my eyes on the cracks in the sidewalk like they might anchor me back to earth.
They didn’t, because nothing could. All I could feel was him, all I could see was his mask.
I should have looked when I had the chance.
I should have let myself see his face. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it, not when he was giving me the smallest slice of trust. I wasn’t like him. I needed to be better than that.
I thought the experience with him last time had been amazing, but this was completely different and just as mind-blowing.
It was like he knew exactly what to say and how to touch me.
There were moments with him earlier, I couldn’t even think.
My brain refused to form words, and afterwards?
It was like he already knew how I felt. The way he got under my skin didn’t make sense—it shouldn’t make sense, because I barely knew him.
I exhaled sharply, shaking my head.
I came up with a plan for it to be snapped in half the moment I saw him.
I could either choose to keep fighting or stop and see what happened.
Either way, there was no denying to myself what he did to me.
The thought made my chest tighten, something between fear and something far more dangerous.
I swallowed hard, picking up my pace like I could outrun it, like I could leave him behind with every step.
By the time I reached the house, my pulse hadn’t slowed.
If anything, it was worse. My hand hesitated on the door for a second before I pushed it open and stepped inside.
The familiar scent of home wrapped around me, but it didn’t quite calm me where I needed it to.
“Kinsley?” I called out, slipping off my shoes as I placed down my things.
“Not here,” Bodhi answered from the kitchen.
As I walked into the room, I glanced up and found him leaning against the counter. A half-finished pizza sat next to him, one he had clearly abandoned.
“They went out to find something to give their mom,” he added.
“Oh.” I said, suddenly defeated. “Gotcha.”
I didn’t even make it two more steps before I felt the weight of his gaze.
I knew he could tell something was wrong.
I watched him push off the counter without saying anything and move toward the fridge.
Feeling the look of confusion that filled my face, he pulled a glass bottle out and grabbed a cup.
“I made this earlier,” he said, casually pouring the liquid. “Figured you’d want it when you got home.”
The smell hit me before he handed it over. Chai.
“Thanks,” I murmured, taking it from him.
He just nodded as he slid onto the stool across from me and rested his elbows on the counter. I could tell he was studying me, waiting for me to talk. I just looked down into the cup, taking a sip to avoid his stare. I definitely didn’t want to talk about it.
“Who’s Silas?” he asked.
Fuck.
I froze, the chai lingering on my tongue. Lowering the cup slowly, I sighed into it, like it might offer me some type of escape from this conversation. “No one.”
Bodhi didn’t push for me to answer, he just waited. The longer he sat there, letting me think about my answer, the longer I wanted to tell him the truth.
A few seconds later, I gave in, and my shoulders sank in personal defeat. “He’s just this guy I know,” I confessed.
Bodhi raised an eyebrow toward me, silently asking for more. I wanted to comply, mainly because he never judged and I had no way to explain this situation.
I groaned softly, taking another drink and dragging a hand over my face. “I just met him, okay? It’s not—it’s nothing.”
“Mm,” he hummed, unconvinced.
I looked up at him, setting my drink down on the counter. “I mean it.”
He nodded before offering me a smile, like he knew. Of course he knew. “Then why do you look like that?”
I blinked, trying to pretend I had no idea what he was talking about. “Like what?”
Now both of his eyebrows rose, and I knew there was no point in trying to hide it.
I opened my mouth, but the words didn’t come. I just looked over at my chai, swirling it slightly. “He just—” I hesitated, trying to find the right way to explain our situation. “He drives me crazy.”
Bodhi smiled faintly again, like he knew the feeling.
“In a bad way?” he asked.
I let out a soft, breathless laugh. “That’s the problem.
I don’t know yet. I want to say yes, but I feel like I might be wrong.
” I finally met his eyes again and something in me caved.
“It’s like every time I’m around him, I forget how to think and I hate that.
I hate it.” My grip tightened on the cup.
“I don’t even know him, Bodhi. Not really, but I can’t stop thinking about him.
” The admission hung between us, but I felt lighter.
“I’ve never felt something like this before,” I added quietly.
For a second, there was only silence. Then, Bodhi’s expression softened completely, and he reached over to nudge my arm. “I get it,” he said with a soft smile, “and I don't think that’s a bad thing.”
Everything inside me loosened slightly at his words “Yeah?”
His smile grew as he dipped his head in confirmation.
“Yeah. I’ve got a girl who does the same thing to me.
Sometimes I get so mad at her and what she does that I feel like my head is going to explode, but there's nothing that will change how I feel about her. You know? Sometimes fate is funny like that.” He sighed and shrugged his shoulder, like he really did get it.
A slow grin spread across my face. “Kinsley is lucky to have you.”
Bodhi scoffed lightly, “I think I’m the lucky one.”
I smiled into my cup, picking it up again as I felt something inside me ease for the first time since meeting Silas. “So, I shouldn’t tell him to fuck off?”
He full on laughed this time. “Not unless you really mean it, Em.”
I nodded and moved next to him, pulling him into a hug and kissing his forehead. “Thanks for listening and not making it weird,” I said.
He leaned back slightly. “That’s kind of my job.”
“Being annoyingly perceptive?”
“Being a good big brother,” he corrected.
I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t stop the small smile that followed. The chaos in my head hadn’t disappeared. Silas was still there, lingering in every thought. It didn’t feel quite as overwhelming now. In some weird way, it felt exactly right.
I placed the cup into the sink and said goodnight to Bodhi before heading for my room.