34. Ember
Ember
Bodhi walked straight inside, without saying anything else to me.
I figured it was best for both of us to take a few minutes before I followed him in, considering we were both dealing with strong emotions.
I understood his frustration and where he was coming from, I knew it was because he cared.
Unfortunately, I was still trying to cope with what I’d just learned about myself.
Something that I couldn't just outright tell him, at least not yet.
I stood in the entryway for a few minutes, staring into the darkness as I willed it to swallow me, just so I would stop feeling for a little while.
When I finally stepped inside, I could tell Bodhi had moved into the kitchen.
Soft golden light spilled out, stretching across the floor in a warm rectangle.
I kept my eyes on it as I slipped my shoes off and walked toward him, my body moving automatically even though my mind was still somewhere else.
As I walked under the light, I heard the faintest clink of a metal pan, and that was when the smell hit me—Chai.
Even though he was upset, he was still making me my favorite drink.
I watched him work from the doorframe as he stood at the kitchen counter with his back to me.
He poured the contents of the pan into two mugs that sat on the counter in front of him.
Taking a few steps, the floor creaked under my weight.
Bodhi glanced up and over his shoulder at me.
The second he saw me, the tension in his posture disappeared and he turned toward me with both cups in hand.
I could still see the anger and agitation within him, but it was softer now.
His eyes searched my face as he held one of the cups toward me. “Want some?”
A smile draped over my face as I walked toward him, taking the cup. My hands wrapped around the mug, welcoming the familiarity. “Thanks,” I murmured.
The steam from my cup curled upward between us as Bodhi watched me take a sip.
As soon as I swallowed, he cleared his throat once and started to speak.
“I’m sorry.” I looked up at him over the ceramic rim as he continued.
“I shouldn’t have snapped earlier.” He rubbed the back of his neck as his eyes roamed over me and then dropped briefly to the counter. “I was just scared.”
The moment those words left his mouth, my heart hurt and I set my cup down to reach out for him. “I was fine, I promise. I’m sorry.”
For a second, it looked like he might say something else, but he pulled me into a hug instead.
“You left in the middle of the night and all we got was a text. I would have appreciated a call to hear your voice, to make sure you were alive.” His arms wrapped around me tightly, a solid and familiar feeling—safe in a way that made my throat ache because apparently, I didn’t know what that word meant.
I let my forehead rest against his shoulder.
“I love you, Em. You know that, right?” he murmured into my hair as his hand started to soothe me, moving up and down across my back.
I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. “I know,” I whispered again, debating if I should tell him everything or maybe ask him to help me go to the police station. But what would happen? Him killing Silas? Us going to court?
We stood together like that for a few quiet seconds while the warmth of the chai spread through my chest. Eventually, Bodhi pulled back, his hands settling on my shoulders. “You look exhausted,” he stated, studying my face. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep?”
Sleep.
The word alone made me want to run in the opposite direction, but I nodded anyway. “Yeah, okay.”
Taking the last swig from my mug, I stood, turning toward the hallway.
Each step toward my room felt like I was walking a plank to my death.
I didn’t want to go in there. I didn’t want to be in that room at all.
Standing at the half-open door, I saw my bed exactly how I’d left it.
My blankets still slightly rumpled, and one corner hung loose over the side.
Suddenly, I couldn’t stop seeing it, me asleep under the sheets while someone stood above me, beside me, or behind me—using me.
Pushing open the door, I continued to stare at my bed like it had personally betrayed me somehow.
I wanted to walk back to the kitchen, grab a butcher knife and shred it into tiny pieces.
I stepped into the room instead, quickly moving to the edge of the mattress.
Yanking the blanket off, I ripped it in one angry motion.
The sheets followed, along with the pillows.
Everything came off as I pulled all pieces of my bedding free, ripping them before throwing them to the floor in a messy heap.
The mattress was now naked, staring back at me, bare and accusing.
My room felt too small now, the space taken by something I never offered to give.
I sank down onto the edge of the bed and let everything hit me.
The anger was first, then anxiety and regret, everything.
Quiet sobs escaped me as my mind started to process everything.
Bending forward, I gripped my hair with my hands as I balanced my elbows on my knees.
Another round of involuntary sounds left me, followed by a massive body quake, making my arms unstable.
Tears began to blur everything as I cried so hard the edges of the room softened in my vision.
After a few more large body tremors passed, I tried to steady my breathing, but it still came out broken.
Forcing myself to stand, I felt my head grow fuzzy from the hyperventilating.
I inhaled deeply, but just as I did, my knees threatened to buckle underneath me.
The feeling spread from my legs and moved through my torso.
Urging my limbs to move, I fought against the fact they felt like steel weights.
Trying to gain my balance, another wave of fuzziness clouded my mind.
Something wasn't right.
The room began to spin slowly as I fell back onto the stripped mattress behind me.
Every single part of my body now too heavy to move, like each area was filled with sand.
The emotional pain that had infiltrated my chest just moments ago, the one that had set my veins on fire, was gone—now, in its place, was an overall numbing sensation.
I started to battle against my eyelids, forcing them to stay open.
My body no longer wanted to stay upright, and even though I was screaming for control, my shoulders started to sway back and forth.
Consciously, I was very much awake, doing everything I could to wake my body up.
But physically? Everything refused to listen, like it had no choice but to shut down.
I continued fighting with everything I had, but eventually, I couldn’t keep myself up any longer, and my back hit the bed.
I’d lost control over my neck as well, my head falling to the side.
Now facing the door to my bedroom, I see him standing in the frame.
Bodhi—or at least I thought it was, because this man seemed like a totally different person from the one I knew.
The smile covering his face was the definition of pure corruption, and his eyes were now blank, as if there was no emotion behind them.
This person, whoever it was, stood watching me with a large smile as every last drop of feeling drained from my body.
With his hands in the pockets of the hoodie he was wearing, his stature was so casual, like this was something he watched all the time.
The position he was in made it seem like everything was normal, and we were having an average conversation.
After waiting a few more seconds, he moved forward and pushed the door completely open with his foot.
Stopping when he landed directly in front of me, he crouched down.
His eyes rested on my lips as his hand lifted to trace the side of my face.
Pushing a lock of hair behind my ear, he clicked his tongue a few times as if in appreciation.
“I know it typically takes a full fifteen minutes, but I couldn’t wait any longer. ”
I forced my mind to process his words, to take in exactly what he’d said. Through my sluggish thoughts, I understood. He wasn’t just a roommate or my “friend.” He was the predator. He was the guy from the video, the person who’d been violating me repeatedly—not Silas.
Bodhi had been the person I needed to stay away from, and I called him.
I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t fight back.
I couldn’t do a damn thing except let a single tear fall down my cheek—the last attempt of refusal from my body as I was shut inside of it.
His voice carried on around me as he ignored the fact I was now paralyzed.
“All this time, I’ve been the perfect brother figure, the protector—the one who stayed right next to you.
You have no idea what it was like for me, Ember. ”
I felt a light pressure on my chest, then the feeling moved as something trailed against my collarbone. For a moment, I couldn't feel it anymore until his voice cracked with something raw and he kept talking.
“I was always right here.”
My head was hammering with how much I was screaming inside, but to him on the outside, I looked like a lifeless doll—the same unconscious toy he had played with before.
I wished I could go to sleep. I wished I could do anything not to have to experience this. Most of all, I wished I’d never left Silas.
There was a tug on my shirt as it was lifted above my head. “You think it felt nice for me to have to fuck Kinsley all these years, pretending it was you?” His cold hands cupped my chest and then tugged, too hard. “You should be proud of me. I’ve been so fucking patient, Ember. You have no idea.”
I tried to force my thoughts away, to make them retreat as his hand moved to my sweatpants and pulled them down. I tried to visualize Silas, to convince myself it was him touching me. I did everything in my power to prepare myself as his hands moved up and down my legs.
Just as I thought he was done talking, he spoke again. This time, his voice was full of anger and resentment. “I haven’t even truly felt you yet. Did you know that?”
The sound of shoes being kicked off and a belt buckle rang in my ears.
“I was too busy learning about what you like,” he said quietly as my legs were aggressively pulled apart, “and how to make your chai lattes.” I felt weight on me then, just as hot breath fanned over my neck.
“How to drug them just right so I could play,” he whispered, kissing behind my ear.
I was so completely and entirely numb inside and out.
There was no other way to explain how I felt.
“I tasted you. I took pictures. I recorded the way you look when you're nice and plump.”
Instead of listening to him, I forced myself into the best place I could find in my mind, somewhere I could stay until this was over.
“Now I get to finally fucking feel it,” he muttered into my ear as one hand started stroking my hair. The moment he kissed my cheek and pushed my legs up, I disassociated completely.