36. Ember
Ember
Trauma.
A word I used to make fun of. One I thought people used as an excuse.
Turns out, it affects every part of you.
Not just your mind, but your reality as well, blurring everything together right in front of your eyes.
Not in the dramatic way either, the way that sometimes came across in movies.
There was no slow motion and no sudden clarity—everything had been layered between dense fog and sudden spikes in anxiety.
At least, that’s how it was for me.
I would think I was okay, and I didn’t have to remind myself to breathe.
I could sit with Silas on his couch and let him hold my hand without wanting to rip it away.
The next second, I would freeze up because I couldn’t stand the thought of being touched.
I felt crazy. Especially because in those moments where I sensed myself shift, it was due to my own inner voice—a new one, one that told me I was unworthy of him.
Sometimes there was just silence, and that voice didn't exist. When that happened, I found myself hollow, which pissed me off even more. I wanted to feel. I wanted to move on. I wanted to be myself again, but it was like something was there, stopping me—like I was locked out of my mind and I didn’t have control.
That was the only way to describe it…a thick wall of numbness that had settled into my body and refused to leave.
Everything on the inside of the wall felt heavy, weighed down with questions I’d never get answers to.
How did I not know that was happening?
How long did it go on for?
Am I the one to blame?
Some questions were answered instantly, starting with the day Silas saved me.
I only remembered so much, but I had been aware enough to listen for a while as Silas took care of me.
I heard him say Bodhi was dead, and I knew that Greyson had helped.
It was after that, where my body had finally went to sleep.
Eventually, I figured out some more things.
The necklace I had worn, the one I thought was from Kolby, had been from Bodhi—another way he had manipulated us all.
We also knew that Kinsley chose to cover up the murder and not call the police, seeing how we had no one show up.
I'm plagued by what I still don't know. I’ve tried to force myself to openly talk about things, but I don’t think I’m ready, at least not yet.
A week slowly passed, and the haze in my mind started to clear.
I still felt like I was fighting against the same thick wall but now, I could at least be present and hear those around me.
I hadn't noticed right away, but every day one of Silas’s brothers would bring us food and give him updates on the club.
I began to look forward to them coming. When I found myself surrounded by them, I felt like the wall was starting to crack and I actually had a chance of removing it.
Today when the knock came, I was the one who opened the door. I expected it to be Greyson with some type of pasta, but instead, I found a detective standing on the porch. The moment I registered the badge, my face paled and my hand dropped to my side.
“Good afternoon, Miss Vale, I need to ask you some questions about Bodhi Williams.”
I made eye contact for about ten seconds. After that, the very little amount of my soul that I had regained, locked away again.
Bodhi.
The name triggered a response in my body I couldn’t fight off.
I watched as the detective's mouth moved more, but the words slid past me like rain on glass.
No matter how much I fought for control over my mind, my brain just went on autopilot.
I felt something this time though, as I was thrown into mental darkness again—a faint glimpse of emotion, of my old fire.
Hearing that name out loud made me remember what it was like to be angry.
Luckily, Silas approached and could immediately tell something was off.
Without me saying anything about who was at the door, I felt his eyes lock on to the stranger.
His energy becoming palpable, coming off in waves as he stepped forward to protect me without even knowing who I was facing.
I turned my neck slightly, just to witness him and the force he was.
With his arms crossed over his chest, he looked down at the officer in front of us.
There was no surprise on his face. With both shoulders straight, and his voice controlled in a way that almost sounded like he’d expected this. “What about him?”
The officer looked between us before addressing Silas’s question. “He seems to have gone missing, and you are an emergency contact. Have you seen him lately?”
I shook my head slowly and pretended to think about it.
The detective across from me eyed Silas before raising his eyebrows in question. “Were you aware of the fire that took place at his residence?”
His residence?
I felt Silas’s hand move to my lower back, a silent reassurance that it was all going to be okay.
I focused on the warmth of his skin as I ended the conversation.
Siphoning strength from him, I looked directly at the officer, “I have no idea why I would be his contact. I don’t know where he is, and frankly I don't care.” Surprisingly, my voice sounded a lot like me—the girl who went missing when Bodhi did.
Silas apparently agreed, by the way his hand patted my back in approval.
The detective briefly glanced up toward me and I forced a smile, solidifying my statement.
“I understand. If anything else is needed, I will call.”
I watched as the officer retreated to his patrol car that was parked across the street. I could feel Silas’s eyes on me as he waited to see how I’d react. “Did he say his residence?”
Silas answered as we watched the car drive away, “I have a cousin that’s good with stuff like that. He wiped your name from the lease and fixed some other paperwork with your name on it.”
I shifted toward Silas, realizing that was probably how he had the videos of me. “Good with what stuff?”
Silas leaned in to wrap his arm around me, pausing to make sure it was okay. When I nodded, he pulled me close, talking into the top of my head before kissing it. “Stuff that help keep you safe.”
When I looked up at him, I saw just how exhausted he was.
His fatigue was not only external. I saw it in his shoulders and in the lines of his face.
The more I looked at him, the more I realized that he had drained himself.
“Have you been sleeping?” The only response I got was when the corner of his mouth tugged up as he grinned at me.
A slight pain ran through my heart when I realized how forced the gesture was.
I missed seeing his genuine smile. I missed him.
Another flare of something erupted inside of me, and I was angry again.
How dare one person think they had the power to take away other people's happiness. I didn’t deserve that, and neither did Silas.
He had done nothing but be patient with me.
He had also given me all the time I needed, extending his time off work to just sit next to me in shared silence.
Not once had he tried to make me speak or do anything that would upset me.
In fact, every physical interaction we’d had, he waited to be given some kind of permission.
Even though he was not the one to do this damage, he was the one repairing it—staying hyperaware of how things could affect me.
The words were out of my mouth before my brain had time to stop them. “Thank you.”
His eyes widened so fast I thought I’d imagined it, but then they softened, along with his face. I barely heard the words he mumbled as he exhaled. “Don’t do that.”
I swallowed, pulling at the strings inside of me, the ones I’d recently contemplated hanging myself with.
“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.
” My lips trembled as I pushed out the next words.
“And really, I’m just sorry about everything.
I don’t want you to feel responsible for healing me. ”
Even I could hear it, how fragile those words came out.
As he listened, he pulled away, looking down at me—his eyes completely widened with disbelief.
After a few seconds, he frowned before slowly exhaling and closing the door behind him.
When he looked back toward me, I was scared of the look on his face.
There were so many things he could say. My fingers moved anxiously, fiddling with what nails I had left.
This was our first real conversation about what happened and I knew I needed to apologize more.
I needed him to hear everything I had to say.
“I’m sorry for leaving,” I whispered. “For not asking you about the videos and for not staying long enough to talk.” A new emotion forced through the wall that kept me excluded from him—guilt.
I was overcome by the sheer strength of it, but I continued, “I was scared. I didn't know that he—”
“Stop.” The word cracked in the air along with his voice as his hands wrapped around me, pulling me into his chest. “Please just stop, baby.”
I closed my eyes and focused on the feeling he gave me.
The ease he brought wasn’t something I’d ever learned about, nor could I define it.
The comfort he offered by just being him made me feel like anything could happen and I would be okay.
As long as his arms were around me, just like this—we would be okay.
After a few seconds, he pulled back and our eyes met.
The bright blue staring back at me was flooded with tears.
My chest tightened at the sight, at what was happening to him.
He shook his head slowly at me, making sure I was fully aware that he didn’t want any more words.
The movement of his head caused a few to fall onto his cheeks and I just watched them as they trailed down his skin.
He went to open his mouth but stopped. The words didn’t come until he tried again a few seconds later.
“I don’t ever want to hear you say that again.
” He moved his hands to my cheeks and brought his mouth to my forehead, kissing the skin there.
I could feel more tears fall as he spoke.
“I’m sorry, Ember. I’m sorry I didn’t get to you fast enough.
I’m sorry I didn’t know you sooner. I’m sorry that you waited so long for me to find you. ”
When he pulled away to look down at me, the intensity was so raw.
The prison my mind had been forced into, started to crumble.
The wall came down first—the one I had been stuck behind.
I could see everything clearly now. I could feel everything.
As the pieces crashed down around me, his voice became louder, drowning out all the others I had recently battled.
“Don’t you dare apologize to me. Ever.” Silas leaned in yet again asking for my permission before his lips softly touch mine. “This will be the only lifetime I let this happen to you. In all our others, I promise I will find you faster.”
I nodded into him, feeling my own face wet from the emotions I’d buried.
As his lips moved against mine, his words came out as a whisper. “I’ll just follow that god-awful yellow color every time, until I get to you.”
A sound much like a laugh escaped me, but I was surprised at how alive it sounded, and it was all because of him.
That sound meant Bodhi didn’t win and I hadn't been carved out hollow like I’d thought.
There was still hope, so I swallowed hard, grabbing onto it with both hands. “You still want me? Even after—”
Before I could finish, he hoisted me into his arms, pulling my legs around him. The movement jarred me enough that I stopped talking. Turning us, he placed my back against the door, so I was supported, but there was still the slightest amount of space between us.
“Ember,” he said firmly, his grip tightening around the backs of my thighs, “I will always want you.” He smiled, and this time, it felt real.
“I think I get it now, why everything happened in both our lives. I was put here for you,” he said quietly.
“That fire you have? The one that makes you loud and stubborn and impossible to control?”
A faint spark flickered inside me, the same one I’d felt over the last few days. I grabbed it, refusing to let go as he beathed life back into it.
“I’m not letting anyone take that from you. Ever. It’s my job to keep it lit.”