Chapter 33
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Marian’s heart ached.
She stood by the small window in her chamber, tracing her fingertips along its frame as she tried to push every thought of Lachlan out of her mind.
In the previous weeks, the sight of water flowing through the valley had comforted her many times when she was distraught. But today, it did nothing to ease the terrible tightening that caused her heart to break.
She closed her eyes, breathing in the cold air as the sound of her name filled her ears.
Lachlan had called her Marian. For the first time ever, he had said her name as it truly was, and it had sounded like honey on his lips. But in the same breath, he had told her there was no use for her here. And that was how she knew he truly meant it.
She inhaled sharply, feeling a pang in her chest.
Her hand instinctively came up to cover the area, as though the mere action could ease the bone-deep pain. She closed her eyes, lifting her chin to keep her tears from falling.
I cannot cry.
Her breath caught in her chest as she felt a tug at the hem of her dress, and she opened her eyes again, looking down to see what it was.
“Mossie…” She smiled despite herself, bending to pick up the gray cat. Her voice trembled slightly. “Have you come to say goodbye?”
The cat curled up comfortably in her arms, rubbing against her before turning its head to look out the window.
Marian followed its gaze. The rain had finally cleared, leaving the hills washed in pale afternoon light that looked like a dream.
She stroked Mossie’s fur as she took one last look at the land beyond the glen.
In the short weeks she’d spent in Glen Carrick, she had gotten to know the lands as more than a mere inheritance. She had learned its spirit and had almost dared to think of it as her home.
From where she stood, she could see the scattered sheds, the grazing fields, and the winding path that disappeared into the forest beyond the ridge. All the different places where she had made fond memories of the Highlands. All the memories that she would have to leave behind.
A soft breeze brushed against her, and she smiled softly despite herself.
It is foolish.
The thought stung, and her smile faltered as slowly as it had formed.
She had been foolish.
Foolish to believe that something so vast and rooted in history could ever make room for her. Foolish to think that she might step into it and be accepted at once, or ever. Foolish to think that Lachlan might—
Her breath caught.
I cannot think of him.
She blinked once.
It all means nothing now.
She looked down at Mossie, gently stroking his fur.
“You are the only one who seems unaffected by all of this, Mossie,” she murmured, and the cat purred. “Will you not miss me when I am gone?”
A sniff sounded behind her, followed by a sharp sound, almost like a gasp.
Marian whirled around. She had forgotten for a moment that Lilly was also in the room, packing everything they had brought to Glen Carrick into trunks on the bed.
She took a look at her, her heart immediately breaking at the sullen manner in which her maid bent over the trunks.
“Lilly?”
Lilly did not look up, but her hands faltered as she hastily wiped her face. “My Lady,” she responded, though her voice trembled.
Marian stepped forward, her eyebrows drawing together as the cat shifted in her arms. “Are you feeling all right?”
Lilly shook her head quickly, still without looking up. “I am quite well, my Lady,” she said. “Just tired.”
Marian did not believe her.
She said nothing for a moment, only watched as Lilly picked up another dress and smoothed it even though it was already folded. Another soft sound escaped her. This time, she was unable to hide it.
Marian stepped closer. “Lilly.”
There was no use pretending any longer. Lilly looked up, her face red and puffy from all the tears she had been holding back.
Marian shifted the cat in her arms to free one hand and then gently reached out to lightly squeeze her shoulder. “Why are you crying?”
Lilly’s breath hitched. And just like that, whatever fragile composure she had been holding onto shattered.
“I am not well, my Lady,” she admitted, sniffling. “I do not feel well.”
Marian’s expression softened further as Lilly drew in a shuddering breath.
“I am devastated,” the maid continued, her voice trembling despite her attempt to keep it steady. “I ache in places I did not know existed within me…” Her fingers tightened around the fabric she held, twisting it slightly. “…because we are leaving.”
Marian’s gaze softened in surprise at the confession. She had been so consumed by her own heartbreak that it had not occurred to her that Lilly might feel this differently. That she might feel anything beyond relief at the thought of returning to London.
“But…” Marian began slowly. “You were so distressed when we arrived. You wished to leave almost immediately.” She hesitated. “Why does it bother you now?”
Lilly bit her bottom lip. Her gaze dropped to the gown in her hands, though she no longer seemed to see it. “It is Finn, my Lady.”
Marian exhaled softly. “Of course.”
Lilly’s lips parted slightly, as though she had expected surprise or perhaps disapproval, but Marian offered neither.
“I am truly sorry, my dear,” she said instead, her shoulders dropping. “But we are not allowed to stay.”
The words hurt more deeply than she had expected, and she held her breath to keep it from shaking.
At that moment, she wished that someone would want her as passionately as Lilly wanted Finn. She wished that, even for just one moment, a heart would ache at the thought of losing her.
But only her father had ever loved her so deeply, and now that he was gone, she existed only to move from one place to another, and never to truly belong.
If only Lachlan had not…
Lilly stifled a sob, twisting the fabric of the dress again. “He…” she forced out the word, even as a tear rolled down her cheek. “He asked me to marry him, my Lady.”
Marian went still.
I did not plan for all of this to happen.
“And he says he’ll come to England if I ask it of him,” Lilly continued, her lips trembling. “But I know he will not truly leave his home. And I… I do not want him to.” Her voice broke again on a sob.
Marian turned back toward the window, absentmindedly stroking Mossie’s fur. For a moment, she said nothing. She did not know what to say in response to such a confession.
Her gaze fixed calmly on the glen beyond the window, though her thoughts settled slowly around what Lilly had said.
“Do you want to marry him, Lilly?” she asked.
“Yes, my Lady,” she replied without hesitation. “A thousand times, yes.”
I will not stand in the way of love.
Marian closed her eyes briefly. She knew what she had to do; her mind settled on it with quiet certainty. “Then you will stay.”
“My Lady…” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
Marian turned around and stepped closer to her. “You will stay,” she repeated gently, her tone leaving no room for argument.
Lilly shook her head, confusion overtaking the sorrow on her face. “I cannot.” She looked at Marian as if she had no idea what her words truly meant. “I am in your service, my Lady. I must go wherever you go and—”
“No,” Marian interrupted, her voice softer now. “You will not come with me, Lilly. Not this time.”
Lilly’s lips parted. She took a step away from the bed and toward Marian, her hands tightening at her sides. “But, my Lady.” Her protest was weak. “I simply cannot—”
“You can,” Marian insisted. “And you will.” She swallowed and lifted her chin as she looked at her maid, her chest tightening. “This is your home now, Lilly. Not London. Not whatever place I am sent to next.”
“My Lady…” Lilly whispered.
Marian gave her a sad smile. “Do not let my circumstances decide your future, Lilly,” she urged quietly. “You have been given something rare. Something most people will never find.”
Her heart twisted at her own words, and she blinked, turning away so that her maid would not see the tears welling up in her eyes.
“I do not deserve such kindness,” Lilly said, her voice cracking.
Marian inhaled deeply, forcing her voice to steady. “It is not kindness,” she replied. “It is the truth.”
For a moment, they both stood still in the silence.
Lilly stepped forward slowly and wrapped her arms around Marian, holding her tightly. She sobbed quietly behind her, and Marian let out a shaky breath, barely able to hold it in anymore.
“I will write to you, my Lady,” Lilly promised through her tears, her body shaking terribly. “Every week, I will write to you. And when you return to London, I shall visit…” Her words trailed off into more sobs.
Marian turned around, the cat jumping out of her arms as she moved to hug her maid properly.
“You will be far too occupied with your own life to write so often, Lilly,” she said, her lips trembling slightly.
Lilly shook her head. “No,” she insisted. “I will not forget you, my Lady. I could never—”
The chamber door suddenly burst open. The sound cracked through their bodies like thunder, making them yelp.
Mossie’s head snapped up, its ears twitching toward the door, and Lilly stepped back sharply, her hand flying to her face.
Both women turned toward the intrusion.
Marian narrowed her eyes at the doorway, wiping them to better see whoever it was that had entered the room. She blinked, her heart pounding as she took in the man’s hulking figure and the way his chest rose and fell unevenly, as though he had come in haste.
Her face contorted into a frown.
How dare he?