20. Bailey
CHAPTER TWENTY
Bailey
PAST
I keep going to therapy because I don’t have a choice. Every time, she asks if today is the day I’m ready to talk. I usually plop onto the sofa and stare back at her as she watches me, still saying nothing.
I’m not sure how therapy works, but I’m sure it doesn’t normally go like this.
The further I sink into myself, the more everyone else in my family seems to thrive. It only reaffirms my dark thoughts—my family doesn’t need me here. I’m not even sure they want me here. Why would they?
Hunter is the definition of a rising star, and there are coaches coming from all over the country to watch him play every Friday.
I’m happy for him, even if I’m jealous at the same time of how easy everything is for him.
JJ is getting playing time as a freshman at Beaumont and seems to be thriving.
Mirabelle made up with Mom and Dad after bringing Hunter and me home, so now they make one big happy family.
The brothers carrying on the family legacy of becoming football stars, the Olympian, and their doting parents.
Everyone except me .
Kaitlyn has been busy with the cheer squad, spending more time practicing their routines for postseason play, so I’ve barely seen her. I’ve been dying to talk to her about the kiss. It’s all I think about most days. Just kidding—I think about it all the time.
I know I’m a fucking wreck, but she’s the only one who makes me feel like I have a fighting chance.
I want to ask her on a date. She’s always been the one paying attention, even when my silence is deafening.
Kait’s my best friend, and I thought that was enough for me, but now it’s not. I want more with her.
Except, I have no idea how to go about any of this.
I know Hunter’s mad at me for refusing to tell him what’s going on, but I feel better going to him about what he thinks I should do rather than Carter. It just makes more sense since Hunter’s one of Kaitlyn’s best friends too. I feel bad about icing him out, but he’s thriving.
I knock on the door, relieved when Hunter calls back, letting me know I can come in. His eyes widen when he glances over his shoulder, and he pauses his video game. “Are you lost?” he asks, a coldness to his voice I’ve never had directed toward me.
“No.” My throat is scratchy, and I cough, trying to clear it.
The only people I’ve been willing to speak to are Carter and Kait, yet even those conversations have been sparse.
His jaw hangs open, making it obvious he didn’t expect me to respond verbally.
“Can we talk?” I ask, feeling more and more stupid for thinking I could go to Hunter about this.
Hunter stands up and tosses his remote onto his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. He’s never been this pissed off at me, but I’m doing it to protect him. “I guess we can since you’ve finally decided to speak to me again,” he says, and I know I deserve every bit of it. “So? What is it?”
Don’t lose your nerve now. Spit it out .
“I kissed Kait.”
And he laughs, like this is the funniest joke he’s ever heard. My stomach sinks as doubt creeps into my mind. He’s right. It is funny because why would she want me? I’m nothing compared to the rest of my family. I’m not good enough for her.
Hunter finally regains composure, and he leans against his dresser. “Okay. Good one. Now what do you really want to talk about?”
I swallow the acid pooling in my mouth, doing my best to ignore the part of my brain telling me to forget it. “I’m not kidding. I kissed her, and I want to ask her out.” I’m not even sure how I manage to get the words out without vomiting.
The amused expression on his face fades, and I should have known this wouldn’t go well. “You’re serious?”
I’ve never told Hunter about my feelings for Kaitlyn, keeping this secret locked inside an airtight vault until Kaitlyn coaxed it out of me. I guess I should have thrown away the key before that could happen.
“Yeah.”
My hands are sweating, and I think I might be sick. This was a bad idea.
“Did you think this through at all? What happens if Kait says no? It’s not like you can avoid her because with our families, Kaitlyn is always going to be around.
She’s not going away,” Hunter says, and I can’t look at him right now.
“And if she says yes? What then? Again, if things go bad, she’s still not going anywhere.
Do yourself a favor, and don’t put her in this position.
You’re better off pretending that kiss never happened, Bailey. ”
Did she tell him about the kiss? Does she want to pretend that it never happened? But . . . Kait said it was perfect. She even kissed my cheek. I?—
“I am not saying this to be a dick, but you’re not really in a position to be in a relationship with anyone right now.
Aside from all the other factors of how complicated this is, do you really think you can make her happy?
” he continues, his tone softening, but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear.
I let his words sink in, and they confirm everything I’ve thought. Why did I think we might be a good idea? Kait and I will never work. It’ll only end in disaster, just like every single other thing in my life. I ruin everything I touch.
“You’re right,” I croak out, feeling my heart break in my chest at the thought of pretending nothing happened.
I thought it could be something good and worth fighting for.
I love her, but why would she love me back?
I’ll never be able to make her happy. I can’t even make myself happy.
“Thanks,” I say, schooling my face into a mask that doesn’t allow anything through after my voice betrayed me.
Hunter’s looking at me with a mix of pity and embarrassment. “I’m sorry . . .” I tune out Hunter to disappear into my mind. It doesn’t matter what I do. I’ll never be good enough.
Not for Kaitlyn.
Not for my family.
So I do what Hunter suggested, and I pretend it never happened.
I feel like a ghost of myself after spending the last week ignoring Kaitlyn.
My parents are at a gallery showing with Kaitlyn’s parents, and because they’re all together, it’s just me, Hunter, and Kaitlyn tonight. They’re going to be back late, so Kaitlyn is supposed to stay in the guest room.
We were given explicit instructions to not leave the house to go anywhere, and if we tried, the doors were rigged with alarms. I know it’s a load of bullshit, but I don’t have it in me to try breaking the rules.
I’m done.
I could feel Kaitlyn’s eyes following me before I locked myself in my room to stare at the ceiling while listening to music. It’s the best shot I have to stop all the thoughts running through my head on a constant loop.
Carter tried cheering me up by asking if I wanted to meet up, but aside from going to school and therapy, I’m under constant surveillance.
I don’t want cheering up, though. I want to drown in my misery.
Maybe it’s childish of me to avoid Kaitlyn, but I don’t want her to look at me and see all the ways I’m not good enough for her. I don’t want her to talk to me, and show me kindness I don’t deserve. I don’t want to be anything to her.
It was stupid to think she would want me.
My parents aren’t back yet, but the house has been quiet for the last hour. Technically, I’m not going through a door, or leaving the house by climbing through a window to get to my spot on the roof. The temperature has dropped over the last few nights, and I’m glad for my sweatshirt.
My friends, the moon and the stars, are hidden behind clouds. Is it sad I consider the moon a better friend than any person I know? Except when I need it, even it’s left me too.
It’s a sign that I’m just better off alone.
The window creaks, and I swear under my breath.
My heart bleeds a little more when I realize Kaitlyn is the one climbing out the window.
I just want to be alone.
She looks nervous, crawling up onto the roof with me. “I was hoping you’d be out here tonight. Shit, this is kind of high up,” Kait says, climbing to sit next to me before reclining the same way I am .
Do you really think you can make her happy?
I clench my jaw, giving her no reaction to let her know I heard her. It’s a good thing I’ve had plenty of practice ignoring people lately. Instead, I search for the stars through the clouds, trying not to think about how Kaitlyn smells like lavender and sunshine, even in the dark of night.
She nudges my arm with her elbow after a minute. “You’re not ignoring me now are you, Walker?” Kaitlyn teases, and again, I don’t respond. “Is everything okay?”
I shut my eyes tightly, wishing she could hate me as much as I hate myself. She’ll be better off without me complicating everything for her.
“Bailey, I don’t know what I did, but I want to talk about?—”
“I don’t want to talk,” I interrupt, breaking my vow of silence. She’s probably looking for a nice way to turn me down, but she should save her breath.
“Okay, clearly you’re in a mood,” she huffs, and I wish Kaitlyn could see how hopeless I am. “You might not want to talk, but I do. The least you can do is listen?—”
I sit up and turn to face her. “ No . Maybe you should listen. I don’t want to talk—especially not to you, and especially not about that. It never should’ve happened.”
Fuck. I shouldn’t have looked at Kait, because now I have to see the pain I’m causing her.
It doesn’t make me feel better, but no matter how much this hurts her, it’s hurting me more.
More than anything, I want to take back everything I just said.
I should be trying to convince her we can work, but I’m not going to beg someone to want me.
I want Kaitlyn to want me for me, and all the broken and bruised pieces of my heart I have to offer.
Kaitlyn still doesn’t shrink away from me.
Instead, she sits up, pulling her knees to her chest as she glances at the edge of the roof before tipping her chin up to look me in the eyes.
“ Why shouldn’t we have kissed?” she asks, her voice shaking.
Clearly, she didn’t expect me to beat her to the punch.
“Because I regret it, but I can’t take it back. What I can do, is pretend it never happened. I don’t want to talk to you. So please, just leave me alone.”
It feels like I’ve stabbed myself in the chest, especially when silver tears pool in her eyes and she bites down on her trembling lower lip. It only twists the blade deeper.
I wish things were different, but they aren’t.
“Go,” I say, and my throat’s closing in on itself. Every fiber of my being is begging me to speak, to fix things, to be happy.
I guess the roof isn’t a safe space for me anymore. Everything reminds me of Kaitlyn, and I wonder if I’ve ruined places for her too.
“Bailey—”
“Just go.”
I watch to make sure she makes it to the window okay, unable to look away until I know she’s slipped back through.
I’m finally alone, but I feel worse than ever.
It’s nothing compared to how I feel when I see Kaitlyn and Hunter kissing two weeks later.