21. Kaitlyn #2
My nerves are less frayed the second I start shuffling my feet through the shallow water, careful to avoid getting stung by a stingray since it’s their peak season.
I can feel my head start to clear, my worries drifting to the back of my mind as I focus on paddling to get further out from the whitewater waves into deeper water.
The one thing I’m not able to avoid right now is Bailey, and I don’t want to. I wonder if he needs a distraction as much as I do.
I’m content to ride out the smooth waves this morning, appreciating the beautiful colors of the sky as the sun rises over the horizon. “You know, I’ve still never seen the green flash,” I say, glancing at Bailey a few feet away.
“Really?”
I shake my head, chewing on my lip. “I’ve tried. I think last summer I was out here every morning trying to see it. I’m starting to think it might be impossible.”
“I think I’ve only ever seen it twice. I promise it’s worth all the early mornings,” he says, and for all the times I’ve spent watching the horizon, knowing Bailey’s seen it twice tempts me into pushing him off the board and into the water.
“So orange is still your favorite color?” B asks, the abrupt change in conversation catching me off guard.
I blink, trying to find my footing again. “Yeah, but not like the orange you find everywhere at Hallowe?—”
“You like the softer oranges that you can only find at dawn and dusk,” he finishes for me, casting a smile at me. “I didn’t know if it had changed while I was gone, but I’m glad it didn’t.”
It feels like he just cracked my chest open, and the rawness of his admission causes me to blurt out a truth of my own.
“I tried to paint you.” My voice cracks, and I lift my hand to toy with my necklaces. “I paint now. I don’t know if I’ve told you that, or if you already know, but I tried to paint you. I couldn’t get it right, though.”
I don’t know what I’m hoping he’ll say, but I don’t think he’s going to judge me for it .
“Can I see it?” he asks, and I probably should have thought of this being a possibility.
“But I just said I didn’t get it right. Why would you want to see it?”
God, the thought of Bailey seeing just how closely I pay attention to him terrifies me. I guess I could try to play it off that I drew Hunter until I changed my mind, but it won’t explain the subtle differences between them you can only know by paying attention.
Bailey has a splash of freckles across his nose that darken to become more noticeable when he spends a lot of time in the sun, and his face is slightly narrower than Hunter’s.
The most noticeable differences now are the scar across Bailey’s forehead, cutting into his hairline, and when Hunter’s wearing his glasses instead of contacts.
“Because you made it, and I’m sure it’s better than you think.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Well if you ever want to try again, all you have to do is ask. I’d be happy to pose like a French girl for you,” he jokes, and I choke on a laugh, swiveling to face him.
“I’m sorry. Did you just make a joke?”
What’s even more surprising than Bailey making a joke is the grin on his face, and I can’t help thinking how beautiful he looks in the morning light.
“Just wanted you to know the impossible was possible,” he says, and I reach into the water to splash him.
“How kind of you,” I muse, smiling at him.
“I’m afraid it might actually be impossible to capture the level of broodiness you have going on.
It’s a shame you’re a blond. You’re practically the epitome of tall, dark, and mysterious.
The blond just kind of ruins it,” I say, and Bailey’s head tips back as a deep, rattling laugh leaves him.
I feel my smile widen, pulling at my cheeks. It reminds me of when there’s a break in the clouds on a stormy day, and the sun finally peeks through.
He’s not broody. Bailey’s sunlight just isn’t ready to come out from behind the storm yet, but it will.
“Guess I’ll have to buy some box dye at the grocery store. I’d hate for my hair to ruin your painting.”
This feels so familiar. “No,” I say, laughing.
“I wouldn’t change anything about you. You’re still my best friend, but I don’t need you to pose like a French girl.
” God, trying to paint Bailey while he poses nude is definitely not what Hunter had in mind when he said he was okay with us hanging out.
“I’m still your best friend?” he asks, his eyebrows knitting together as if the very idea confuses him.
Why wouldn’t he be?
“Yeah. Just because you left, it didn’t change.
It’s okay if I’m not yours anymore,” I say, hoping it doesn’t sound as awkward as I feel.
The water laps at my legs, and the ocean seems to be calming by the minute.
I’m not even sure I care I didn’t catch any waves.
It’s been nice just sitting here floating with Bailey. “How long have you been out here?”
“A while. I couldn’t stop thinking about every way today can go wrong,” Bailey says, and now I feel bad for even asking the question.
“Javi’s going to be okay, B.”
“I hope so. I need him to be okay. I mean, Javi’s just a kid. He deserves to be a kid, you know?” He huffs, dragging a hand through his hair. There’s an edge of vulnerability to Bailey that reminds me of just how deeply he feels everything, even if he doesn’t always let it show.
“I know he does, just like I know you did everything you could to keep him safe. You have to trust the doctors know what they’re doing, and believe in Javi.”
I don’t know if I’ve said the right thing, but I’m not sure there’s anything I can say to make Bailey feel better .
The whole world seems to fall still as Bailey turns toward me. It feels easier to breathe—like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
His entire face softens, and I’m keenly aware of my heart thumping against my ribcage.
“Thank you,” he says, without looking away. “We should probably head back in.”
Exhaling a nervous laugh, I follow Bailey’s lead, taking my own advice to trust that everything is going to be okay.
He sets his board in the sand next to our things, passing me my water bottle a moment later before grabbing his.
I might not have everything figured out in my life, but I’m glad I followed my gut to take the gap year. Hunter and I have a lot to figure out still, but maybe it’s okay for some things to change. Everything happens for a reason.
“You okay, Price?” Bailey asks, pulling me back into reality.
“Yeah, why?” I ask, taking a quick drink of my water.
He tilts his head to the side, his green eyes dancing in the morning light as they comb over my face. I’m not sure what he sees, or if he’s looking for something, but the last thing I expect is Bailey stepping forward to pull me into his arms.
I’m not sure I’m breathing as they fold around me, holding me firm against his chest. Hell, I don’t think he’s breathing either.
It hits me like a hurricane, taking me back to the night where we stood in this exact spot, and I thought everything was going to change between us. I’ve tried so hard to forget how consuming it felt to be kissed by my best friend under the stars because it makes my entire body hurt to remember.
My reaction is delayed, and I’m hesitant to rest my hands on his back, the heat of his skin scorching my fingertips.
“You’re still my best friend too. You always have been, and I don’t want to forget any of it. I missed you every single day. I’m sorry I left,” Bailey says, and I’m finally forced to take a breath.
The smell of salt and citrus bodywash floods my senses, making me immediately regret my decision. It’s a lethal combination, and it feels like all the pieces are finally falling into place because of how right it feels to be held by him.
Even if it shouldn’t.
It hits me like an electric shock, jumpstarting my heart.
Oh my god, this is wrong.
The last thing I should be doing is hugging Bailey, especially when we’re both in swimsuits.
My hands are shaking as I put them on his chest, pushing him away from me.
“Don’t,” I whisper.
Bailey staggers back, his face pale and eyes wide. I don’t even have to wonder if he felt the same connection I did, but I don’t want this.
“I-I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I shouldn’t have hugged you,” he stammers, clearly caught off guard by whatever the fuck this is. “I’m sorry, Kait.” The plea in his voice shakes me to my core, and all of the chaos from earlier spins faster, clouding my head.
Logically, I know it was a hug, and it didn’t mean anything, but even an innocent touch with Bailey feels like everything .
“I have to go,” I say, reaching for my board to carry it back to the shed, more confused than ever.
Bailey doesn’t follow after me, and I struggle to breathe, pressing my hand to my chest.
The only thing I can think about is that damn green flash because sometimes, I think that’s all we were.
It only occurs for a few seconds in the right conditions at exactly the right time—a phenomena that isn’t meant to happen all the time .
Now I’m not sure if it’s better to have experienced something once, knowing it’ll never happen again, than never to have experienced it at all.
But I guess that’s the thing about phenomena.
They exist in only perfect conditions, and life isn’t perfect. It’s messy and raw, and outside of those fleeting moments where the planets and stars seem to align, I’m not sure Bailey and I could exist.
I think he’s wrong.
Sometimes the impossible isn’t actually possible.