25. Kaitlyn #2
“Thank you, but I’m going to wait for JJ to get back. I’ll just probably go upstairs and see if I can get ahold of him,” she says, grabbing her phone to follow them out of the kitchen.
The tension in the air is thick, and I’m very aware of the space between Hunter and me. “Can we please talk?” Hunter asks, his voice hoarse. I bite my lip, trying to figure out how to react to this better than he did to my change of plans.
I want to look anywhere but at him. I don’t even know what question to ask first. When did he decide this? Was it before our conversation the other night, or was it a spur of the moment decision yesterday during Javi’s surgery?
How is this going to work with me here and Hunter all the way in California?
An ugly thought intrudes from the devil standing on my shoulder. Do I want it to work?
He said he should have done this months ago when he got in.
“When did you apply?” I ask, reaching behind me for the counter to help stabilize myself.
“January.”
My lungs deflate, and I wish I could pretend this was a bad dream. “You applied to Beaumont in January, and never said anything? Yet, when I said I was taking a gap year, you lost your shit about how I was changing our plans?”
Hunter pushes his blond locks out of his face, his movements stiff. “I applied after the accident. I didn’t know what was going to happen with JJ, so it was a contingency plan. I didn’t start thinking about it again until after you deferred.”
We were barely speaking, and I felt sick the whole time for how he found out. “You made me feel like shit, Hunter. The whole time you iced me out and then let me apologize over and over, you were thinking about leaving? ”
“God, you’re making it sound like I set out to do this as some revenge plot when that’s not what it was,” Hunter says, but when I say nothing, his eyes widen. “Do you think I did this to get revenge?”
I hesitate, and the little hesitation causes a shift in Hunter I can only recognize from years as his best friend before becoming his girlfriend.
“I don’t want to think it, but can you blame me?
” I ask, and he looks like I struck him.
“I know you love your brother, but you said it yourself. You didn’t think about it again until after I deferred. ”
His green eyes flash with hurt as he takes a step back. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”
“I-I’m not sure I do,” I stammer, trying to figure out how this is what we’ve become. “I love you, but lately it’s like I have no idea what’s going on with us. I feel like I’m going insane, trying to put you and our relationship first, but how could you not say something?”
“How could I not say something?” Hunter asks, his voice tinged with bitterness. I swallow the lump forming in my throat, and I’m not sure what he means by that. “So were you putting me first by not telling me you kissed Bailey before me?”
My breath catches, my heart absorbing the verbal blow.
How . . . how does Hunter know? Bailey wouldn’t have told him, not without giving me a heads up, especially after our conversation yesterday, when I fortified the lines between us.
The only other person who knew was my brother, but Henry’s never brought it up again, and I can only assume he didn’t tell Mirabelle since she’s never mentioned it.
A low laugh, dripping with self-deprecation leaves Hunter as he braces his arms over the back of his head, and my stomach churns.
“Yeah, I know about that. I don’t care you kissed him first either, because I want to be with you.
I was happy to ignore that it happened. I even thought I could make you—” Hunter cuts himself off, turning away from me.
“God, I can’t believe how stupid I was to think you might ever love me more than you love him. ”
He’s wrong.
“You can’t really think that,” I whisper, my eyes stinging with unshed tears. This is not where I imagined today going. “How long have you known?” My head is spinning, trying to fit the pieces of this puzzle together, but I’m afraid to see the bigger picture.
Hunter doesn’t turn around, falling completely still.
Oh my god.
This is what happened between them.
It was me.
“Hunter, what happened between you and Bailey?” I ask, trying to keep my voice from shaking.
“He came to me after, and I told him to pretend it never happened. I told Bailey he wouldn’t be able to make you happy.”
I’m not innocent in this either. I know I fucked up kissing both the twins within a few weeks, but I never meant for it to turn into this. My relationship with Hunter hasn’t been a mistake, and I don’t regret it, but I didn’t mean to start going out with Hunter right after Bailey rejected me.
When Hunter asked me to give him a chance and kissed me at the haunted house, I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was I loved him in some manner, even if it wasn’t the same way I felt toward Bailey.
I was a stupid teenager who had her heart broken, and it was nice to be wanted. I knew if I tried hard enough, I could love Hunter in that way too.
And I do, but I never would have had to if Bailey hadn’t shoved me away.
“You’re lying.” I shake my head, feeling my heart finally tear into two halves. “Please tell me you didn’t do that to Bailey.”
Hunter leans forward to grab the counter, hanging his head, and I know there’s nothing I can do to change the choices we’ve all made. Bailey made choices, as did Hunter, and so did I.
This explains the complete one-eighty Bailey did back then, going from telling me I’m his favorite person to pushing me as far away as possible.
His broad shoulders start to shake, and I move forward to close the distance between us, hugging him from behind and feeling every shudder wracking his body. I’m mad, but more than anything, I’m incredibly sad for Hunter. He’s carried the weight of this around with him for the last three years.
It doesn’t matter how we got here. Neither of us is innocent, but I don’t know how we can move forward.
Is it even possible for us to come back from the secrets we’ve kept?
Hunter twists to wrap his arms around me, tucking his head into the crook of my neck. I know I’ll never be able to forget the feeling of his hot tears landing on my skin as he cries. “I’m so sorry, Kaitlyn. I hate myself for what I did, but I couldn’t take it back. It was the reason I had you.”
I don’t know if there’s anything I can say to make this better.
“I don’t want to wreck us, but I have to be there for JJ. I swear, I didn’t do this for revenge. I’m just trying to do right by my brother. He’d do the same for me.”
“I know. I love you,” I whisper, the tears falling from my eyes echoing the bleeding of my heart from the gaping wound in my chest.
Hunter doesn’t say another word, only holding on tighter to me .
I’m not sure if it changes anything, though.
I don’t know if there’s anything left to hold onto.