33. Bailey #3
Walking toward my bathroom, I kick off my shorts to step into the shower after turning it as cold as it can go. It burns against my skin, a hiss escaping my mouth before I can choke it back. I stand there, bracing my hands against the wall as the water hits my back until it becomes unbearable.
I wait until my brain is numb, unable to focus on anything except how fucking cold I am at the moment. Which is what I want, but it still fucking sucks. I wish I could just forget all of it ever happened.
But it would also mean forgetting Javi, and this is always the part that makes me falter because who knows where he would be now if we hadn’t found each other.
Now he’ll have a home with Henry and Mirabelle, and despite all the pain my choices caused, there was good that came of it.
When I stayed at Carter’s, everything was fine until . . . it wasn’t.
I clench my jaw, refusing to go down that dead end, but my teeth are chattering. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I notice how different I look after coming home—especially in the way I carry myself.
I’ll never again be the kid sleeping against a building in a position where others can hurt me.
But I see the part of myself that hasn’t changed. The part that Luna saw and still loved despite the layers of flaws and filth. I have no idea what time it is, but before I can stop myself, I’m calling her.
“I thought spam calls were only allowed during business hours,” Luna sounds unenthused when she answers, which I can’t really blame her for.
“This is Boobs R Us calling for a Luna in the sky?” I joke, hoping she can’t hear how shaken I am still by the nightmare.
She barks a short laugh. “Really? That’s the best you came up with after calling at two a.m.? You’re lucky I’m still up.”
“I never claimed to be smart,” I say, moving to sit on the edge of my bed. “Why are you still awake?”
“You’ve tried and failed many times, B. I should have gone to bed hours ago, but one episode of my show turned into binging all of them, and now here I am answering your call.
Instead of teasing me with your little joke about my name, why don’t you tell me why you’re calling in the middle of the night instead of during the hours of the living? ”
“I had a nightmare, and there’s been a lot that’s happened since our last call.”
“I’m impressed with how fast you actually admitted the truth,” Luna says, and I roll my eyes, despite the fact she can’t see me do it. “Are you wanting me to listen or are you wanting me to tell you all the ways I think you’re an idiot?”
“I thought I wanted you to respond, but not if you’re going to call me an idiot while you do it,” I grumble, dragging a hand through my wet hair. “Did I do the right thing by coming back? ”
Surprisingly, Luna is out of quick responses. It’s a rare occasion when I render her speechless.
“Lu?”
“Why are you second-guessing going back? I thought things were going well?”
I think that’s part of the problem. “They are. I’m just worried about how things will be if everything’s out in the open. I don’t want to hurt them, but I can tell I still am by not giving them answers.”
“Are we talking about Kaitlyn or your family? There is a difference in how I answer this question depending on which it is,” she says, and I’m glad she’s going to give it to me straight. I told Kaitlyn a lot of the truth, but I didn’t tell her everything.
Everyone here is afraid to tell me what they’re really thinking, and I can only assume it’s because they’re worried I’ll leave again. I won’t, but I don’t want to be treated like glass. I guess it’s better than being invisible.
My silence speaks louder than any of my words possibly could in this moment because I don’t know.
“I’m gonna make a genius inference based on your lack of answer and say it’s both.
I’ll start with your family because I’m going to need more context about Kaitlyn and Golden Boy before I tell you why I think it matters what she thinks,” Luna rambles and I honestly think she could tell me anything right now and I’d believe her.
Aliens are real? Yes. Luna has seen Bigfoot?
Absolutely. “Honestly, I think by keeping everything in, it’s only going to weigh you down more.
Based on everything you’ve told me about them, I think they’ll understand.
Maybe not at first, but give it a couple hours—or days—and it’ll be fine. ”
God, have I been working myself up over nothing?
Well, not really nothing—just a small case of arson, believing the worst of my family, wanting to date my brother’s ex-girlfriend, how I lived with my not-so-half-brother, got beat up more than a few times on the streets, how I decided to start calling JJ, and lastly, why I never told anyone where I was. No big deal, right?
“I don’t know if it’s that simple.”
Luna scoffs. “You won’t know until you tell them, but what’s going on with Kaitlyn?”
“Hunter came clean with her, and they broke up. She came straight here after, and I don’t know what Kaitlyn expects or wants from me.”
I don’t want to be a second choice. I know things are complicated with how they got together, but if Kait does want me, then I need to know it’s not because I’m the only option left.
“What I think she wants is to hop on your dick,” she says, and I choke in surprise.
“I’m just saying, if I break up with my non-existent boyfriend, I would not be running straight to his non-existent twin brother.
” Luna stops talking, but then unfortunately continues, “Do you think she fantasizes about being with both of you? Tell me, are you guys around the same size? Just for my own curiosity.”
Holy fucking shit, I shouldn’t have asked Luna about this. I’m having serious regrets. “Did you really have to say that?”
“Oh my god, stop being so closed-minded. In all seriousness, it sounds like she finds it comforting to be around you, but if Kait just found out about how Hunter manipulated you, I think you should give her some time to process it. Or you could ask her what she wants, but you also told me I’m not supposed to call you an idiot. ”
“Why didn’t you just say that?” I ask, lying back in bed, already starting to feel better.
Her laughter makes it easy to smile. “I could have, but I also didn’t have to answer. Some people might call me an angel. ”
“Or a wolf in sheep’s clothing.” It’s almost scary how true it is. She can run circles around my brain before I even know she’s started.
I’m not sure how long we talk for, but by the time I’m falling back asleep, all thoughts of my nightmare have disappeared.