35. Bailey
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Bailey
PAST
I have to remind myself where I am every day when I wake up. Nightmares of flames and uncertainty manipulate my dreams, causing them to bleed into my subconscious.
Carter’s done his best to make me feel welcome in the apartment he shares with his college roommate, Nick. I lucked out they had a third bedroom they’ve been using as a home gym. I didn’t even know he had a roommate, which makes me wonder what else I don’t know about him.
They both work during the day, so I’m left alone with my thoughts in the apartment to contemplate everything my family is doing right now. I’ve been trying to make myself useful because I don’t want either Carter or Nick to think I’m overstaying my welcome.
Yesterday, I was so bored I cleaned the entire apartment. I think it’s a new low because I don’t know a single person in their right mind who would willingly clean. It’s better than sitting here regretting every choice I’ve made, though.
A part of me misses school, but I just have to get used to this new normal. I didn’t really have a plan when I ran away, but it felt like I had no other option.
The sound of the lock flipping in the door has me somewhat on edge because it’s still a couple of hours before either of them is supposed to be home.
Carter didn’t say either of them was going to be home early, but I see his mother standing there, and it makes sense why he didn’t let me know.
Kiera didn’t tell him she was coming here.
My mistrust must be showing on my face because Kiera immediately puts her hands up, her face flushing in embarrassment. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to show up unannounced. I guess I did, but I just wanted to speak with you without . . . well, without my family listening.”
“Okay,” I say, unable to shake the feeling something is off. I don’t want to feel this way, but it’s suspicious she didn’t tell Carter. Maybe I’m just a fucking cynic at this point because she could have told him and he just forgot to tell me.
I’m projecting, right? Just because I can’t trust my family doesn’t mean I can’t ever trust anyone. I wish I didn’t feel like I had to scrutinize every person I meet in my life, but when your own family has lied to your face for years, it feels like I have to.
Kiera’s given me no reason not to trust her after welcoming me into her home when she could have turned me away. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had. I’m a walking reminder of the man who left her for another woman when she was pregnant.
“Is it okay if I sit?”
It takes me a second to realize she’s asking for my permission, and I nod once I snap back into it. “So what did you want to talk about?”
Kiera tilts her head, studying me. “Did you know that for as much as you take after your mom, I see so much of Sebastian in you? ”
“Really?” The question escapes my mouth before I can even stop it. All I’ve heard my entire life is I’m a spitting image of my mom in every way. I have her golden blond hair, the spring green eyes, and the same fiery temper.
As much as I don’t want to be associated with my dad right now, I’ve never heard that I look like him. The warm, fuzzy feeling that grows in my chest throws me off balance, because I don’t want to be happy to be compared to him.
“Has no one ever told you that?” she asks, a sad smile forming on her face.
All I can do is shake my head, too choked up to even say anything.
“You have his nose, the same facial structure, and your smile is identical to his. I noticed at dinner when you’re listening to everyone else speak, you tap your fingers repeatedly just like he used to when he was nervous.
I’m sorry I’m just surprised no one’s ever told you.
I can tell just by looking at you that you’re his son. ”
“How can you stand to look at me?” I ask, my throat threatening to close up on me. “What my parents did to you was wrong. You should hate me.”
“Bailey, it’s been a really long time since everything happened with your parents. They made mistakes, but so did I?—”
I cut her off, unable to hear more excuses made for them.
“He left when you were pregnant after cheating on you with my mom. How can you just let that go? And Carter? Our dad abandoned him too. Before he found me, my parents had never even mentioned either of you.” I don’t understand how they could just leave out we had another sibling—one Dad neglected his entire life.
Kiera closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. “I don’t blame them. It’s not like I told Carter either. It was a painful time for everyone, and I know I wanted to move on instead of focusing on everything I lost.”
“Yet here I am, a constant reminder of it,” I say, but I’m surprised again when Kiera reaches over to wrap her hand around mine.
“What I came here to tell you is I’m not going to hold your parents’ faults against you. You’re welcome with my family any time.” She squeezes my hand before pulling away.
Kiera wouldn’t be telling me this if she knew I’d purposefully lit one house on fire, and nearly another. It feels like I’m suffocating on my own shame, and I have to look away.
“Thank you. I mean it. You’re a fuc—um, shit, sorry— freaking saint for even just allowing me to hang around. I appreciate it.”
“Nice save,” she teases, laughing quietly. “Carter told me how excited he is to have you here, but you’re welcome to stay at the house with us any time you’d like.”
“I’d like that, thanks,” I say, mustering a smile. Is it possible Kiera might actually just be a nice person?
“I’m glad you said that because you’re invited to Sunday night family dinners,” she says, and I don’t think I’d say no even if I wanted to.
“Okay,” I agree without putting up a fight. I can’t remember the last time that happened . “Can I ask you something?”
“Within reason, sure.”
I watch as her eyes dart down to look at where I’m drumming my fingers on my knee, and I didn’t even realize I was doing it.
“I don’t even know how to ask my parents, so I understand if you don’t want to answer, but will you tell me what happened with my parents?
Like why they broke up in the first place, and how you ended up with my dad? ”
I’m not trying to hurt her, but I have to know.
She nods, leaning back into the couch cushions, pulling a pillow into her lap to get comfy.
“It took me a long time to even get the full story about what happened between them. Your aunt was the one who told me because Seb refused to broach the topic of your mom to the point where I didn’t know the truth until it was too late.
Everything made sense after that. I met Thalia when we’d visit your grandparents for the holidays, and I’ll never forget how they would just go back and forth at the dinner table.
There were even times when I worried they’d have a brawl over the table. ”
Well at least that tracks. They still fight all the time over stupid stuff.
“From what Blake told me, it was a few months after Thalia graduated from Duke. She was offered some important thing in Africa, and your dad proposed to her, but she didn’t say yes.
They fought, and he took off, so she went to Africa.
A few months after, I met Sebastian at the dog park.
I was getting ready for my final year of undergrad while applying to nursing programs when my friend forced me out of my house and to the park.
” She gets a faraway look in her eyes and a smile forms—one I suspect she doesn’t even know is there.
“Sebastian’s dog, Zeus, had escaped from him, and ran right up to me.
I realized his beautiful coat was ensnared with cockleburs, and poor Seb was a sweaty mess with dirt streaked all over him from chasing after Zeus.
He gave me some line about asking for my number to thank me for catching his dog.
” Kiera rolls her eyes, and I’m entirely engrossed in this story. I didn’t know any of this had happened.
“After a couple of weeks, he asked me on a date. Flash forward a few months, and we were dating. In less than a year, I moved in. We were talking about marriage and what our future together would look like when his grandmother started declining. He proposed just before Mirabelle passed, and I thought we were on the same page . . . until we weren’t. ”
Panic spikes in me when I realize she’s wiping away tears. “I’m so sorry, Bailey. I don’t know what’s come over me,” Kiera apologizes, and I don’t know what to do. “I guess it’s just been so long since I’ve told this story, I didn’t think it’d make me so emotional.”
“It’s okay,” I protest, wanting nothing more than for her to stop crying. I don’t want to make anyone upset or rock the boat. I want to fit in here. I want them to like me. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“I want to tell you, and I hate to ask this after already agreeing, but can I tell you the rest another time? I want to make sure everything makes sense, but I hope you know I really loved your father,” she says, mustering a smile.
I return her smile, hoping she can’t see what a fraud I am. “Take all the time you need. I really appreciate your honesty.”
I didn’t know until later, if I’d bothered to ask my parents about any of this before assuming the worst, I could have saved myself from being ensnared in a trap I didn’t see until it was too late.
Carter surprised me with a phone and a new phone number when he got home that night, claiming it was so we could communicate when he’s at work and vice versa.
I’m assuming it’s actually from his mom because despite how nice his apartment is and his job, I doubt he was able to buy me a phone.
It doesn’t really make sense to me, but he won’t return it.
I’m using their generous gift to torture myself. I’m sure it wasn’t the intent, but it’s what I’m doing.
Right now, I’m staring at the picture on Hunter’s social media of him and Kait a couple weeks ago at prom. It’s painful to look at, but I can’t stop.
Carter plops down on the couch next to me. “What are you looking at that’s making you frown when you should be playing Flappy Bird, or some shit like that. ”
It’s absurd enough I turn the phone off to look at him, speechless that his first choice for a game is Flappy Bird.
“Oh my god, don’t look at me like that. Tell me you’ve heard of Flappy Bird,” he says, and I snort.
“How old do you think I am? Of course I’ve heard of it.”
“Then why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because it’s a new phone, and you haven’t been able to download it for like a decade?
If I was going to download a game about birds, I’d at least pick Angry Birds.
Have some taste, bro,” I say, shaking my head at him.
Instead, Carter smiles at me, his dark eyes crinkling despite the fact I was making fun of him.
“Why are you looking at me like that? It’s weird. ”
“You called me bro,” he says, his smile not fading, and it dawns on me that I did.
“Don’t make it weird,” I say, trying to brush it off because I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.
“I’m not making it weird, lil bro. You are by pretending you didn’t call me bro first,” he teases, wrapping his arm around my shoulders to basically pull me face first into his armpit. I groan, attempting to push him back. Unfortunately, Carter is stronger than I am.
“Gross.” I force myself to gag, but I’m fighting the smile trying to form.
“I’ll let you go if you tell me what you were looking at,” Carter bargains, tightening his grip to shove my face closer into his armpit.
“Fine!” I’m released immediately and he looks at me, waiting. I sigh, dragging my hand over my face. “I was looking at a picture of Kaitlyn and Hunter.” I look away from Carter because I don’t want to see his reaction to my admission.
I’m so used to disappointing everyone in my life that I don’t know if I’m currently in a place where I could handle disappointing Carter. It’s just a lot harder to let everything go than I thought it would be.
Especially her.
God, I can’t believe I ever thought Kaitlyn would pick me over Hunter. He’s everything I’m not, and lately everything I’m not has been making itself more obvious.
“Hey, B, it’s okay,” he says, pulling me from my thoughts.
I’ve been disappearing into them consistently for months at this point, but now it’s a habit I don’t know how to stop.
“If it makes you feel better, my ex-girlfriend and I broke up almost a year ago, and when I get drunk, I still get stuck looking at pictures from when we were together. It happens to the best of us.”
“I wish it wouldn’t,” I mumble under my breath, but I appreciate him trying to make me feel better.
“I’m sure everyone wishes that.”
I roll my shoulders, trying to push thoughts of Kaitlyn to the back of my mind. “So you were a Flappy Bird kid?” I ask, abruptly changing the topic, but he doesn’t call me on it.
“You wish you were cool enough to be a Flappy Bird kid.” He smiles before squeezing my shoulder. “Come help me make dinner. I’ll teach you a recipe that’ll blow the socks off the next girl you date.”
I don’t bother correcting him by saying Kait and I never dated.
There’s no point.