Chapter 61
Verity
Ivibrated with anger. How dare he state what he wanted without a single consideration for what I wanted? Typical man, assuming he knew best.
“What if I decide I don’t want to be with you or them anymore?” I kept my tone even, my face expressionless.
His jaw ticked. I guessed he’d not expected a rejection because, once again, he was a man. An arrogant bastard of a man who’d likely never heard the word “no” from a woman.
“I refuse to accept that.” The arrogance of the man!
My temper flared.
“How dare you!” I seethed, ignoring the hovering server who’d brought our drinks over but elected not to interrupt our spat. “If, and this is a big if, I decide to pursue a relationship with you or them, or all of you, it will be on my terms.”
To my surprise, he nodded. “It will.”
That sucked the wind from my sails, and I slumped back in my chair.
“What are your terms, Verity?”
Since I hadn’t expected him to roll over so easily, his question had me in a tailspin.
But I thought fast. What did I want from a relationship?
My therapist had encouraged me to think about the things I needed to be happy.
We’d discussed what healthy relationships looked like, i.e.
the exact opposite of all my previous relationships.
In the past, I’d made the mistake of allowing the men I thought I loved to consume me. I’d sought to make them love me because in my fucked-up head, this meant I was lovable. Chasing toxic men was a symptom of serious daddy issues.
“You will respect my boundaries.” This was non-negotiable.
“And those are?” The server took advantage of the temporary ceasefire and hurriedly passed us our drinks. He’d already uncorked the wine but didn’t wait around to pour Declan a glass.
I eyed the glass of sparkling water with a slice of lemon he set before me and regretted not asking for something stronger. This conversation needed alcohol. Lots of alcohol.
“Lying is a red line. As is any kind of abusive behavior. You raise your hand to me in anger and we’re done.”
His gaze softened. “I would never hurt you, princess. While I might hurt other people for hurting you, you are always safe with me.” I noted how he skipped right past the lying bit but decided not to push it. No doubt he thought a few white lies were perfectly justifiable.
“I refuse to be locked up in a house ever again, even if you think it’s safer for me.
Those are my red lines.” I sat back and waited for his response.
If he insisted he knew best and I had to do as I was told, irrespective of what I wanted, then fuck him.
We were done. I’d rather some bastard gun me down than be locked up.
“I accept your terms, princess.” He lifted his glass and took a sip, nodding in approval at the server. “Can we see the menus, please?”
Two paper menus duly arrived, along with some warm bread. My stomach grumbled at the smell of yeasty rolls, but I ignored the basket of temptation. This conversation wasn’t over by any stretch of the imagination.
“What would you like to eat?”
“Margarita pizza, please.” Pizza was the only dish on the menu here. Full of carbs and perfect for a pick-me-up after a long day of surfing. It wasn’t the kind of casual eatery I’d expect Declan to choose, but whatever.
“Pepperoni for me.”
Our server nodded and hurried away. They cooked to order here, so we had some time before the food arrived. I watched Declan pick up a bread roll, tear a chunk off, and dip it in the bowl of balsamic vinegar at the center of the table. He seemed relaxed. Just a guy enjoying a date with his woman.
But I wasn’t his woman. Or any man’s woman.
Not yet, at least.
Not until we’d ironed out a few things.
“Now you know what I want from a relationship. What do you want?”
He chewed thoughtfully for a moment before drinking some more wine.
“Just you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Not good enough. If this…” I waved my hands between us. “… is to work, then we have to learn to communicate better.” If I’d been better at communicating my needs, I wouldn’t have ended up in toxic relationships with abusive men.
Lights twinkled across the bay. As I watched, the last few remaining surfers packed up their things and tramped up the path to the sandy parking lot. A couple of them stared in through the glass window, clearly pissed off when they realized the restaurant had closed, but they didn’t linger.
I felt bad for them, but there were other eateries and food shacks down the coast. Nobody would starve tonight.
“I’d like it very much if you did as you were told when it mattered, Verity.”
My eyes snapped back to Declan.
“And what does that mean, exactly?”
“It means, if I say you’re in danger, you listen to me, Princess, and you do what I tell you to do.”
“And what if I don’t like your suggested course of action?”
He leaned forward, and my breathing hitched.
This was the man I knew. Until now, he’d been on his best behavior, but the wolf had shucked off his wooly sheep suit and was glaring at me, fangs on display, like he wanted to eat me up.
“Verity, it’s my job to protect you. Not listening to me when you’re in danger puts all of us in danger. Me, because I’ll do anything to keep you safe, and that includes taking a bullet for you. And my brothers, because they would do the same. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“That if I don’t listen to you when things get dangerous, someone I love could die?”
He nodded. “That’s exactly what I’m saying, princess.”
I took his words on board. He was right.
While I hoped my life would remain stress free from this moment onward, the likelihood of that happening was nil.
The fact was, those I loved moved in morally gray areas and conducted business with questionable people.
Hell, my father was a murdering asshole, and my sister had more than her fair share of blood on her hands.
I shuddered. Even I had blood on my hands.
Not directly, but men had died because of me. God knows I should have felt guilty about that, but they’d tried to hurt me first, so I didn’t.
“OK, if I’m in an imminent danger situation, I will defer to you.”
“Thank you.”
“Anything else?”
“No.”
I blinked. Nothing? No demands that I stay at home like a good little woman and pop out a few kids? I’d seen how his father, Seamus, treated his mom, and it wouldn’t have surprised me if Declan held similar views. Not that I’d seen any evidence of it in his interactions with Bridget.
“What about kids? Where will we live? Can I get a job?”
He chuckled. “Princess, I’d love kids, but that’s up to you. We can live anywhere, but I’ll need to spend a good deal of my time in Ireland. And if you want to work, you can. Your life is your own.”
This wasn’t going how I expected. I’d geared up for a fight. Been ready to stand my ground and reinforce my boundaries, just like my therapist had talked about.
But he’d apologized, told me I could have the freedom I wanted, and his only red line was that I listened to him in dangerous situations. It rather took the wind out of my sails.
“What about Ronan and Conal? I’m not giving them up.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to. They’re my brothers.”
“You’d be willing to share me?” I clarified, while trying to ignore the flush that colored my cheeks.
“Yes, princess. I can share.” He winked.
Thankfully, our pizzas arrived a few moments later, distracting me from thoughts of how that ‘sharing’ would work.
“Now eat up, princess,” Declan ordered, reverting to his usual bossy tone. I rolled my eyes but decided not to argue. The pizza smelled divine, and I was hungry.
The last dying rays of sunlight cast a pink glow over the horizon.
Waves rolled in, breaking on the shore as we walked down the beach.
In the distance, a bonfire blazed. Music and laughter floated toward us on the breeze, reminding me of happy times back when Saoirse, Aoife, and I had partied on the beach as teenagers.
It also reminded me of the night I’d walked into the ocean. Back then, I’d felt lost, like I was drowning. Tonight, the man I cared for had slung his arm over my shoulder as we walked along the beach in comfortable silence.
To anyone watching, we probably looked like a couple enjoying a romantic date night. Me, barefoot in a cute dress, and him with his shirt sleeves rolled up. I smiled to myself before frowning as I realized he’d still not said how he felt about me.
Yes, he wanted me. And yes, he planned a future with me. But did he love me?
I stopped dead and spun round to face him. My breath caught in my lungs for a moment as the sheer beauty of this man slayed me.
“You said you wanted me, that I’m yours, but how…” My voice trailed off. Being assertive still felt unnatural. It would take a lot of practice.
“How?” Declan repeated, raising one eyebrow. His hands rested on my waist with our bodies not quite touching.
“How do you feel about me, Declan?”
He frowned. “I care about you, princess.” He cared? That wasn’t enough. I wanted more. Deserved more. Maybe I’d misread the situation, and he wasn’t capable of loving me. Or anyone.
Was the fact he didn’t love me part of why I wanted him? We’d talked about this in therapy, about how I craved emotionally unavailable men because if they loved me, it would heal my ‘father wound’. Or something.
God, was I already repeating the mistakes of my past?
Insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
“I need more than affection. I deserve more.”
“You do,” he agreed. “You deserve the world, princess.”
“But you can’t give it to me,” I concluded in a hollow voice. If he wasn’t in love with me, then I wasn’t willing to give him my heart.
He froze. “You think I don’t love you?”
“You said you cared about me. It’s not the same thing as being in love.”
“No, it’s not.” His face fell, along with my stomach. “I’m sorry.”
Of course, he was sorry. The remainder of my fragile heart shattered into a million pieces. He was right; I wasn’t lovable. Or good enough. All of my insecurities bubbled up, and I pulled back, needing to get away from him before I crumbled.
“Verity!” He reached for me, but I ducked under his arm and ran toward the path up to the parking lot. My lungs burned as I pounded across the soft sand, every torturous step a punishment for my boundless stupidity.
Just as I reached the start of the boardwalk, a muscular arm grabbed me around the waist. I squealed in shock, kicking my legs. He grunted when I elbowed him in the stomach. Not that it hurt him. The man had abs like rocks.
“Stop struggling, woman!”
“No!” I yelled. “Let me go! If you don’t love me, this is pointless!”
“Who said I don’t love you?” he asked incredulously.
“You said you cared for me! That’s not the same as love.” I slumped in his arms. Fighting him was pointless. He was too damn strong.
Once I stopped struggling, he yanked me back against his chest. The lights above the boardwalk twinkled, illuminating the path ahead, but neither of us moved. He spun me, keeping hold of my wrist so I didn’t run again.
“I’m sorry, princess.”
I huffed. Being unable to love someone didn’t require an apology.
“It doesn’t matter.” I’d survive. Even if I wanted to curl up in a ball and forget about the world, I had other people who loved me.
“You misunderstand. I’m sorry I didn’t say the words.” He cupped my jaw. “Verity, I love you.”
When his words sank in, I looked up.
“You love me?”
“Yes, I love you.” He leaned down and kissed me, pouring all of his emotions into the kiss. Everything he struggled to say. Because like me, Declan Kelly was emotionally stunted and had daddy issues. But I knew now that maybe, just maybe, we could build something together.
“I think I love you, too,” I confessed when we finally broke apart. My toes curled in the cool sand, and I remembered I’d dropped my shoes at some point. Damn. They were Eden’s shoes. Oh well. It served her right for not telling me the guys were coming.
“You think?” Declan arched one eyebrow and smirked. “Do you need some extra persuasion, princess?”
“Where are you staying?” We’d not talked much on the way back to the house, but Declan held my hand most of the way. It helped settle my chaotic emotions. Calm my inner voice that whispered this was all a dream, and the moment I woke, Declan would be gone again.
“The pool guest house.”
“I’m surprised Thea agreed to let you stay here.”
Honestly, the fact she hadn’t murdered the guys on arrival surprised me. There had been much talk of torture, maiming, and dismemberment in the days following Eden’s spilling of my secrets and the horror of my subsequent confession.
But I didn’t blame Eden. It was my own damn fault for letting her ply me with alcohol. She’d sensed I was holding back and needed someone to talk to. If it had been anything else, I’d have confided in Thea, but I knew she would lose her shit about the guys. Or Saoirse, except she’d gone silent.
Eden seemed like a better choice when the need to talk about it overwhelmed me. Only Eden had proved less of a vault and more of a sieve.
Lesson learned.
“She said if I hurt you again, I’d better keep one eye open at all times.”
I snorted with amusement. “Sounds like my sister.” Before Declan could open my door, I hopped out of the monster SUV.
“I’ll leave you to, um, catch some sleep,” I said, feeling super awkward now we’d arrived back.
“No.”
“No?” When I dared look at him, he stood scowling at me.
“You’re not going anywhere, princess.”
“Damn right, she’s not,” Ronan grumbled as he stormed over, dressed in nothing but a pair of low-slung, very faded jeans.
Yeah, the temperature had barely dipped below 25 degrees, even though the sun had set, but still. Seeing him shirtless wasn’t helping with my blood pressure.
Before I could utter a protest at their over-bearing ways, Declan carried me over the deck toward the guest house. I briefly contemplated screaming for help, but then decided it wasn’t worth triggering a war between my sister, her husbands, and my boyfriends.
At least I assumed they were all my boyfriends now. I guessed I was about to find out.