Chapter 49
FORTY-NINE
KIRA
I don’t know all of what happened for Isaak during his experience. He wasn’t verbal a lot of the time.
But that isn’t to say it wasn’t powerful. By the time he actually allowed me to turn around to see him, his face was red from crying, but he also looked peaceful in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him before.
Afterward, he held me tight. I was so curious and wanted to ask him about all the things he saw and the insights he had. I wanted to ask him if he felt better. I wanted to ask him if he was hungry.
And so much more that was completely inappropriate to ask in the moment.
The feelings of insightfulness could last for a week or more after a trip, though the glowing visuals are likely all but gone.
So, while Isaak holds me in what I can only assume is the insightful bliss and haze of a good trip, I’m completely tied up in my own guts wondering when it will be appropriate to confess all my feelings to him.
Because I’m having a lot of feelings. Like being overwhelmed every time I’m near him. Like joy and wild happiness every time I see his face. No one else can make me as infuriated as he can, and no one else can bring me the sense of calm and safety that he does, either.
I love him .
That’s the simple truth. I love him. Even allowing myself to think those three words feels exciting and dangerous and thrilling and not because I’m worried about it being an intrusive thought. This is real. As real as the man in my arms.
So I’ll wait for him. I’ll wait out this week and this month and however long it takes for him to trust that I’m his one, just like he’s mine.
As I linger in the happy warmth of Isaak’s embrace, my phone buzzes on the nightstand. I wait for Isaak to tell me to ignore it, but when he doesn’t, I realize that his breathing has been heavy and slow for some time now. He’s asleep. He’s finally in an easy, restful sleep. And my damn, buzzing phone is threatening that.
So I reach over and snatch it up, then look at the caller ID.
Oh god. It’s Drew of all people.
The last person on Earth I want to hear from right now. I click ignore. But the buzzing just starts right back up again. I hit ignore again, and the cycle repeats.
Damn it.
I’ve been cuddled against Isaak’s side, so I scoot out and carefully, oh so carefully, edge off the bed. My eyes stay on Isaak the whole time to make sure I don’t wake him.
But for once it looks like he’s sleeping so deep, eyelids restful, that nothing could wake him.
Oh my gosh. Did we actually do it? I know from my reading that sessions like this can really help veterans with PTSD, but I never really expected to see it in action. Even if this isn’t all he needs, a couple more sessions might really make a difference.
I’m overwhelmed, both by being able to help the man I love and the possibility of the help available to this community that’s so in need. I hope this kind of therapy will be available in more clinical settings and in more places than just Colorado and Oregon.
I wish I could just stand and look down on the gorgeous sleeping form of the man that I love, but unfortunately, the man that I’m still officially engaged to is persistently ringing my phone.
Right. Time to take care of that.
I pull on my robe and walk into the hallway. I suck in a deep breath, then answer the phone.
“Where the hell are you?” Drew’s voice is irate.
I squeeze my upper nose between my fingertips. “What do you mean?”
God, I’m a coward. I’ve never liked confrontation, and here I am again, putting it off until the last possible moment.
“You’re about forty-five minutes late to your bridal shower and your mother is freaking out.”
“Shit, is that today?” I pull my phone from my ear and start to frantically pull up my calendar app. Damn, he’s right. I can’t believe I forgot all about that. Between finally finding my stalker and realizing I wasn’t going to marry Drew, wedding events all just kind of fell off my radar.
“Where are you?” he asks again.
I let out a long sigh. Well, there’s no time like the present to come clean. My finger starts tapping my upper thigh repetitively. Breathe. Just breathe.
“Look, Drew, I’ve been doing some serious thinking lately, and we both know that we’re not in love. It’s time to call off this farce of a wedding. It’s certainly not what I want. And frankly, I have no idea what you want because I don’t know you anymore, if I ever did.”
“What are you saying, Kira? Of course I love you. Come down and talk to me at least. Don’t I deserve that much?”
“I’m not in town, Drew.” I look down the long hotel hallway.
“I know, Kira,” he says, his voice sounding broken. “Your mother tracked your credit card purchases when she couldn’t get ahold of you last night and told me you booked a hotel in Denver. I took an early flight here this morning so I could come talk some sense into you.”
“I don’t need sense talked into me.” I hate that he can still make me feel like a child. My tapping fingers turn into a fist.
“Fine. Then I’ll hear you out. But your mother was convinced the bodyguard had kidnapped you.”
My hand flies to my mouth. Of course that’s where her mind would go. Fucking shrew.
“Fine,” I snap. “Are you in the lobby?”
“I’m standing out front with your favorite coffee. Kir, after everything, can’t you just give me as long as a cup of coffee?”
I breathe out, furious, and nod. “Fine. I’ll be down in just a minute.”
I head back into the room to put on a pair of boots and a sweater and check on Isaak one last time. He’s still out like a light, snoring loudly. I’ll be back long before he wakes up.
I’m still careful as I close the door behind me so the latch doesn’t make any sound, then I hurry over to the elevator.
It’s better to break things off with Drew in person, anyway. That way he can’t say that Isaak was in any way coercing me from my side of the phone. Not that Isaak ever would, but I know how Drew and my mom’s kind think. Isaak doesn’t have a breeding history that he can trace back to his grandpa’s grandpa, so they think he’s low class and, therefore, capable of anything criminal. They’re disgusting, and I’ll be glad to be done with them.
The lobby is fairly empty mid-morning.
God knows why Drew couldn’t just wait in the lobby. Probably because he didn’t want evidence of his presence here on their cameras for some godforsaken reason that has to do with wanting his future presidential campaign to be free of scandal.
I push through the front doors, and there he is, standing down the sidewalk wearing shades and a big black coat like he’s the goddamn FBI. At least he’s holding the promised coffee in his hand.
I head toward him to have the world’s shortest break-up conversation.
He hands the coffee to me.
I take it, at the same time saying, “It’s over. I’m sorry. Bye.”
But before I can turn around and leave, he grabs my elbow. “Kira, you know you owe me more than that. It’s not just your future you’re throwing away here. You know I’ll face consequences, too. Could we please just have a conversation?”
I sigh. I’m not sure I owe him anything. But being around Drew always has this way of confusing me. Maybe I am being the asshole here. We were non-monogamous, but I’m still breaking off the wedding while on a trip with my new lover.
“I got your favorite coffee.”
Yeah, right. I doubt it. Drew never paid enough attention to know my order. I take a sip, and my surprised eyes hit his when the sugary cream of a white chocolate mocha hits my lips.
“See,” he says with a little smile. “I do pay attention sometimes.”
I take as long a sip as the hot drink will allow and breathe out, my breath briefly fogging the space between us. “Fine. A brief conversation. Though I really don’t know what there is to talk about.”
“Is it because of him? The bodyguard?”
I sigh again after another sip. “This has so much more to do with us than it ever did him. We’re not right for each other, Drew. You walked all over me in high school, and I let you. It was a really messed-up time for me. I was finally able to find my voice doing my graduate and Ph.D. studies, and then when you came back around and proposed, I… started losing myself all over again.”
“Okay,” he says, eyebrows going up. “Why didn’t we just talk like this? If you would’ve told me any of this, we could’ve made it right.”
I shake my head. “It’s too late for that now.”
His eyebrows drop, furrowing. “Because of him.” He almost sounds angry, which isn’t fair at all, considering how many women he’s slept with since we got engaged. But obviously what’s fair for him isn’t fair for me. There’s not even any point in arguing about that anymore.
“It’s too late for that now because I don’t want what you want. I want out of our families and the lifestyles they lead, and you want in . There’s nothing that could make me stay and marry you.”
When I see the hurt hit his face, I quickly suck down more coffee, then finish saying what needs to be said. “I’m sorry, Drew. But this is the end.”
It feels so good to say those words and mean them.
“What about your inheritance?” Drew asks, acid lacing his tone. “You think your mother will give it to you now?”
I blink slowly at him. I’ve seen this side of him before, but so rarely I could convince myself it wasn’t there. It’s ugly.
“I dunno. But there are more important things than money.” My mouth feels sticky. Too much chocolate in my drink.
Drew laughs, and not in a nice way. “That’s cute. Did your jarhead boy toy tell you that?”
Not jarhead . That’s the Marines, not the Army. Isaak corrected me on it the other day. Why am I still here?
“I’m done,” I mumble.
I try to hand back my coffee to him, but he won’t take it. And suddenly, it’s so heavy, I can’t hold it. It tumbles to the ground, splattering all over the sidewalk.
I stare for a few confused moments, my body suddenly heavy, too. And then I slump down.
I’m barely conscious when I feel Drew catch me before I crash to the sidewalk. What did he— He’s tugging me over to a nearby car and shuffling me in the back seat.
He’s taking me!
But the panic scream in my chest doesn’t make it out of my mouth before everything goes dark.