Desi Chapter 4
It was just my luck to run into Ruin and Konrad while out with Isaiah. We were apartment hunting again. We’d stopped for lunch. Isaiah wasn’t exactly lying about what we were doing afterward. We were going to his place, only not to consult on decor. He wanted me to take a serious look at it. He was still pushing for Shane and me to move in with him. If the apartment situation continued, I’d have to.
Last night showed me that I needed to leave the compound sooner rather than later. Coming into the clubhouse late last night, I knew I’d see the hang arounds. It was a given. At least outright having sex in the middle of the common room was banned, but it still hurt when I saw one of them all over Ruin. He hadn’t been trying to get away.
I went there to ask Talon, who was hanging out, if he had anything for me to do over the weekend. Yes, I could’ve texted him, but I needed a break, so I walked over and got more than I wanted. I turned around and left. When I got home, I texted Talon like I should’ve done from the start. Right after sending one to him, I sent a message to Isaiah, begging him to go with me apartment hunting today. The friend he was, he didn’t hesitate.
“I’d think your girlfriend would want input on something like that. It’s not as if Desi lives there. No offense to Des, but if you want decorating tips, why not ask the old ladies? Some of them love that. They’d probably redo your whole house if you give them leeway,” Ruin remarked.
Isaiah was usually an even-tempered, happy person. However, sometimes, he had this devilish streak, and he went with it. That side came out with his next words. Oh, boy. “Well, that’s where you’re wrong, Ruin. Desi is the perfect person to do it since she and Shane are talking about moving in with me. I have a house all to myself. It needs people, and they’re the only ones I’d consider. She’s held out long enough on me. It’s time for her to move in. Now that we’re both out of school and set with jobs, it’s time to take the next steps in our lives. You should understand that. Look at the two of you. You got out of the Marines, came home, and you’re patched into the Infidels. Congratulations, by the way. I forgot to tell you that. Konrad, are you thinking of prospecting for them?”
There was nothing offensive in what Isaiah had said. And if you knew my side of things, it was the truth. But also, I knew a double meaning could be interpreted. By the look on Ruin’s face, he was going with the latter one. God, I hadn’t told the family I was moving. Well, the cat was out of the bag. I wondered how long it would be before I got texts and calls asking me what the hell was going on. A headache began to thump behind my left eye.
“Why the fuck would they move away from home? And in with you?” Ruin snapped.
I glanced around. The place was packed, and his loud voice was attracting attention. I hated being the center of it and having people talk about me. I needed to stop this.
“Ruin, this isn’t the place or time for this conversation. Why don’t we all enjoy our lunches? This topic can be discussed later. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell Mom, Dad, or anyone else about it. I haven’t told them yet,” I softly hissed back. What was it to him anyway?
He glanced around the room and gave me a slight chin lift. “Fine, but we need to do it right after we eat. This can’t wait, Desi. What are you thinking? We’ll meet you at the compound. If you’re not there, I’m telling them myself. They deserve to know,” he said critically.
It pissed me off. Who was Ruin to say anything about my life? “Ruin, my life isn’t any of your concern. However, we’ll continue this at home. Keep your mouth shut. I mean it. I want to tell Mom, Dad, Tyson, and the others.”
“Good. Then we’ll see you there,” he said before turning on his heels and marching back to his table. Konrad gave me a sympathetic look and then followed him.
Konrad never said a word throughout the whole thing, which was unusual from what I knew of him. I wondered about that. Had he been told not to talk? Ruin was arrogant enough to do it. After that encounter, my lunch had no taste. I lost my appetite. Isaiah did his best to cheer me up and put a positive spin on the upcoming discussion.
“Buck up, sunshine. You’re making it into a mountain when I bet it’ll be a molehill. Yes, the family will be disappointed with the two of you leaving. They want you close. But they love you, and they won’t disown you or anything. If you guys live with me, they’ll be more accepting. They know I’ll keep you safe. My house is in a good location. I have an alarm system. It’s way better than any of those apartments we’ve toured. Admit it. Living with me is the answer.”
“Isaiah, they’ve done so much for me. I don’t want to hurt them. They may take this wrong. However, you see what I have to put up with if I stay there, and that’s just the tip. I can’t live that close to him. I can’t. After last night…” I caught myself and let my words peter off.
His eyes brightened, and he leaned across the table more. He reached out and grabbed my hand. “Tell me what happened last night. Why am I just hearing about it?”
I knew he wouldn’t let it go until I told him, so I quickly gave him the highlights. When I was done, he sighed. “I know that hurt, and I’m sorry. I get why you texted me asking to do this. I see the pain it causes you when he’s nearby. Desi, you love him. Why don’t you tell him? He seems awfully concerned about what you do. Maybe he has the same feelings as you.”
I knew my short laugh was bitter. We’d been over this a thousand times. “Isaiah, Tanner, ugh, Ruin, sees me as a sister. However, these past four years have been more as an unwanted and infuriating one. He thinks I’m a lousy mom, and God knows what else. I don’t want to know. He doesn’t love me. If he did, why wouldn’t he tell me? If he did, he wouldn’t have been with that hang around last night. I can’t be there and watch women traipsing in and out of his trailer. I can’t. I know I’m a fool for not finding a way to kill my love for him, but I’ve tried.”
He didn’t say anything for a couple of silence-laden minutes. When he spoke again, he was firm, and there was no humor in what he said. I knew he meant it and would hold me to it. “Then you need to stop only going out with a guy once and then done if that. I told you Konrad was working up the nerve to ask you out, and you promised to go. I say forget waiting. Ask him out yourself. He’s interested, believe me. Maybe you hit it off, maybe you don’t, but you try. If he fails, I know many guys who would love to go out with you. Some have asked and been shot down. Others were too afraid to ask, knowing how you liked to say no. If you want to fall out of love with him, then put in the work.”
He was right. “I will.”
“Good. Here’s my promise to you. I’ll ensure you end up with the man who adores you, loves you, and will do anything for you. He’ll be your true soulmate, and you’ll live happily ever after. Oh, and the sex will be out of this world,” he said with a grin.
His vow made me smile. We finished our lunch and got out of there. I noticed Konrad and Ruin were still eating, although it appeared they were close to done. They watched us leave. I had to beat him home. I wouldn’t be lucky enough that he’d stay away to give me time to tell the family.
When we got into Isiah’s car, I begged him, “Please hurry. I have to get there before him.”
“Speed demon at your service,” he joked.
He did take out of the parking lot relatively fast. While he did go over the speed limit, he didn’t go extremely fast or recklessly. It wasn’t a far drive, but it was nerve-racking. As we came through the gate, I felt like I was about to vomit. Isaiah drove to our house and brought the car to an abrupt stop.
“Don’t puke in my car! Listen to me. It’s going to be alright. I’ll stay with you if you like. Tell them whatever you think they’ll accept as your excuse. Tell them you’ll be living with me. It’s the answer. You’ve seen the places available. Those were the best, and none of them stacked up. I doubt the three others we were planning to visit after lunch will. I’m your only option if you want out of this house.”
Knowing I was out of options, I nodded and opened my door. He told me to wait, but I ignored him and got out on my own. He scowled before taking my arm, folding it over his, and walking me to the door. I took a deep breath before entering. I felt as if I was walking to my doom. The sound of Shane’s excited voice reminded me of what he’d be losing—daily contact with his grandparents, uncles, aunts, and friends. Jesus, I hated this dilemma, but the thought of staying and having to see Ruin would push me to a place I didn’t want to go.
Walking the short distance from the front door to the living room was awful. I found Shane on Omen’s back, pretending he was a horse. I had no doubt it was one of Bella’s. He was crazy for them like he was for motorcycles. He had a belt around Omen’s upper chest, using it as reins. Shane was careful not to kick him in the ribs, but he was bouncing on him. Jackie was filming it on her phone as she laughed.
“Shane, be careful. You don’t want to hurt PawPaw,” I called out. His grin was ear to ear as he turned to look at me.
“I’m not, Mommy. PawPaw said he’d tell me if I got too rough, but he hasn’t. We’re not done playing. Leave and come back later,” he demanded. So much for thinking he missed me.
“Honey, I can’t. You can play just a little longer, then you need to play in your room. The adults need to talk.”
Shane appeared disappointed. My parents were a combination of worried and curious. I knew they wanted to ask what was going on, but they wouldn’t in front of my son. I was taking these extra minutes to steel myself for what I was about to drop on them.
I got seven minutes before I heard a vehicle pull up outside. I timed it. My palms were sweaty, and my heart was racing. I prayed I wouldn’t start hyperventilating and pass out. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? The door opened, and then I heard the tread of heavy footsteps. Ruin came into the room. I was relieved that he was alone. He must’ve dropped Konrad at the clubhouse. He raised a brow at me. I stared at him.
“There you are. I wondered where you and Konrad went. Is he with you?” Mom asked.
“No. We need to talk as a family. He’s at the clubhouse. Where’s Tyson? Can we get Skye and Executioner here?” Ruin asked gruffly.
Hearing his tone, Dad slid Shane off his back and got up off the floor. He said something to Shane, who, although he pouted out his bottom lip, wordlessly went to his room. When he was out of earshot, I let Ruin have it.
“There’s no need to be melodramatic and pull them here. They’re probably busy or enjoying their day off. It’s not a big deal.”
“Like hell, it’s not! Did you tell them?” he snapped, pointing to Dad and Mom.
“Not yet.”
“What is going on? The two of you look like you’re about to go at each other,” Mom stated.
“This is a family meeting. You need to leave,” Ruin told Isaiah rudely.
“You don’t get to say who is or isn’t my family, Ruin. He stays, or we both leave,” I snapped.
“You’re not leaving until we resolve this,” Ruin shot back.
I was about to argue with him more, but Dad held up his hand. “Let me see if we can get the others here. Whatever this is, it’s obviously vital. No one says anything until I talk to the others. Go to opposite corners or something,” he ordered.
I grabbed Isaiah’s hand and led him to the loveseat. We sat. Ruin stomped to the long couch and landed there. He was staring at us. Mom looked lost and worried. While Dad sent off texts, the silence was deafening.
“Can I get anyone something to drink?” Mom asked.
“Let me help you get them,” I told her as I stood.
“Alright, unless someone says otherwise, I’ll get the usual,” Mom added.
As I passed Ruin to go to the kitchen, he said quietly, “Coward.”
I spat back, “Asshole.” This caused him to growl in displeasure, but I didn’t care.
In the kitchen, as we prepared a tray of drinks, Mom whispered to me, “What in the world is going on, Desi? You look like you’re about to choke each other. What did Omen and I miss?”
“Mom, it’s best to wait and explain to whoever comes. Please, just hear me out before you and Dad say anything,” I pleaded.
“No backdoor pleading your case, Desi,” Ruin hollered from the living room.
“Go to hell, Tanner. I’m not telling her anything,” I yelled back.
Mom’s eyes widened. I kept quiet, and we finished making the drinks. Back out with the others, we set the tray down and let them serve themselves. She even brought ones for Ty, Ex, and Skye if they came.
“Ex said give them a minute, and they’ll be here. The kids are playing over at Sin’s with Olivia and Kycen. Tyson is on his way, too. He was at the clubhouse,” Dad explained.
I retook my seat beside Isaiah. He squeezed my hand. Ruin scowled when he saw it. What was his problem with Isaiah, other than he was my friend? The silence seemed to grow heavier. I was about to stand up again when the door opened, and the sound of feet echoed off the hard floor. Around the corner came Executioner and Skye, and Tyson was right behind them. All of them wore confused expressions.
“What’s the big emergency?” Ty asked. He saw the drink tray and snatched his favorite. He dropped to a pillow on the floor. Executioner and Skye sat in Mom’s chair since she was on Dad’s lap. All eyes were on me and Ruin.
“It seems we have a—” Ruin began, but I cut him off. There was no way he was going first.
“You were the one who insisted we do this right away. The least you can do is let me explain my side first. When I’m done, you can say whatever you like, but know this. I’m an adult, and you are not the boss of me, Ruin.”
“The way you’re acting, you need a keeper,” he said.
“If I have to sit here listening to him take shots at me the whole time, I’m not doing it. He’s been home a week, and already he’s sticking his nose into my life. It’s none of his business.”
“Ruin, stop. Let her speak, and then you’ll have your chance, like the rest of us. Desi, go ahead. You’ve got your mom and me scared,” Omen stated calmly.
“There’s nothing to be scared about. I asked Isaiah to stay, even though Ruin said he’s not family, because he’s been one of my biggest supporters these past four years. He’s earned a place here.” I stressed the word earned. If you asked me, Ruin had lost his right, but I didn’t say it.
“I’ve made a decision now that I’m through school. It wasn’t an easy one, but it’s one I believe is best for me and Shane. I was waiting until I knew something for sure, but that was kind of pushed aside today by a conversation Isaiah and I had at The Hangout with Ruin. I’ve decided that it’s best if Shane and I move off the compound.” I paused as I watched my words hit them.
Mouths dropped open and panicked looks were exchanged. I hurried to continue. “This isn’t something I took lightly. I’ve put a lot of thought into it over the past few months. Isaiah has been helping me. Now that I have a stable job and no more college classes, it’s time I live as an adult. I don’t want to make it seem like I don’t appreciate everything you’ve done for me and given me. I can’t thank you enough. I’ll never be able to repay you. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. I love you, but every child must grow up and leave home. That’s all I’m doing.
“We’re not moving away from Tenillo. We’ll be a matter of minutes away. We’ll come visit, and you’re welcome to visit us. Shane is getting older and making friends outside of the ones here. I think he’ll do well and grow. That’s what Ruin was so eager to have me tell you. He seems to think there’s something wrong with it.”
With this out there, I stopped. I knew there would be questions and comments. I wasn’t sure who would go first. I should’ve known Ruin would be the one to pop in his two cents’ worth right away. He stood up and came to stand in front of the loveseat. I refused to cower away from him. He was glaring. Why was he so bent? As much as he hated me, he should have been jumping for joy because I was leaving.
“Tell them the rest. Don’t leave out the best part,” Ruin snapped.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“The part where you’re moving in with him.” He pointed at Isiah. “Do they know you two are more than just friends? That you’re lovers, and he wants to have you living in his house?”
I saw Mom exchange a puzzled look with Skye. They knew that while Isaiah and I were close, we’d never been more than friends. When they glanced at me, I gave a slight head shake. My reason was simple. It was none of Ruin’s business whether Isaiah and I were lovers or not. It was my personal life.
“Oh, and yes, after seeing a bunch of apartments, we’ve concluded that Isaiah’s house is the best place. He’s adamant he wants us to live with him. He has a house that’s more than large enough,” I added.
“Can I interject here?” Isaiah asked.
“No,” Ruin said.
“Yes, go ahead, Isaiah,” Omen countered.
“My house is in an excellent neighborhood. Shane will go to the same school he goes to now. My house has an alarm system. I know that’s a worry, and yes, we know no place can be as safe as here, but in Tenillo, my house is one of the safest. I wouldn’t ask them to move there if I weren’t sure of it. Shane will have a yard to play in, other kids around, and even a park nearby. You’ve known me for four years, Omen. You know that Desi and Shane mean the world to me. She has been agonizing over this and didn’t come to her decision easily, but it’s time for her to move on with the next stages of her life. This is how she feels she can do that.”
He said it way better than I had. Executioner was the next one to say something, although Ruin’s mouth was opening.
“Desi, no one here wants to put barriers in your way. You’ve grown so much over these past six years. I guess one of the things for us is that we all still think of you as a child, like when you came here. But just like Ruin is an adult and establishing his life, we must let you do the same. We just don’t want you to rush into anything or get hurt.”
“I know that, and I love you for it. Truly. But as much as I love everyone and everything here, it’s stifling. I can’t be free to do what I need and want if I have eyes always watching or someone breathing down my neck, criticizing everything I do.” I looked at Ruin when I said the last part. He was still scowling.
“Honey, you know that I’ll support and love you whether you live here or not. I guess I always secretly thought that when the time came to settle down, you’d end up with an Infidel, and I’d never have to let you leave,” Mom added.
I had to bite my tongue so I wouldn’t tell her that the only Infidel I wanted didn’t want me. Skye surprised me with her words.
“I think you getting away and having the freedom to grow and sample life is a great idea. You’ve been hindered, in a way, by staying here. Most people go off to college. Look at Ruin. He went off to the Marines. Tyson is going to go to the Navy when he’s done with school. You shouldn’t be held back.”
I was about to thank them all. I was so relieved that it was going so much better than I thought it would. However, Ruin prevented me from doing so. He began to yell.
“Are you all kidding me!? You mean to tell me you’re alright with her moving in with some guy and shacking up? She’s taking her young, impressionable son with her. What happens when Mr. Smooth over here gets tired of playing house and being a dad? Or when he decides he’d rather play the field with multiple women? She’ll have her heart broken. If she wants freedom, build her a house on the compound.”
I came to my feet. I marched over to Ruin. I had to look up, but it didn’t matter. “The club already offered to do that, and I told them I had to think about it. A house isn’t going to do the trick. I need space. As for Isaiah getting tired of playing house and wanting multiple women, I doubt it, but if he does, so be it. Then, I’ll go back to my original plan and find an apartment. No matter what, he’d never hurt us. You let me worry about what breaks my heart!”
“You haven’t thought it through!” Ruin shouted.
“Yes, I have!” I yelled back.
We went back and forth for a good minute or more before a sharp whistle pierced the air, hurting our eardrums. Cringing, I looked around and saw it came from Omen. He was frowning yet studying us intently at the same time. My stomach dropped. If he did it hard enough or forced us to let him stare into our eyes, he’d know my secret in a minute. Please, God, don’t let him do that.
When he had our attention, he spoke. “Enough. This is getting us nowhere. I suggest we all separate and think this through tonight. Tomorrow, we’ll all meet again and make sure to verbalize any pertinent objections or concerns calmly. However, in the end, the decision is Desi’s. She’s an adult. How about we be here at ten tomorrow morning? Does that work for everyone?”
I was so relieved to get a reprieve that all I did was nod. Anytime was fine by me. The others all said yes or nodded. The only one who didn’t was Ruin. He was glaring at Isaiah. Why was he so fixated on him?
“Ruin, tomorrow morning,” Executioner said. It sounded like an order, and I guess, as the third highest-ranking officer in the club, it was. Finally, Ruin threw his hands up in the air.
“Fine. If she wants to fuck up her life, then let her.” He turned his back on us and stormed out. Tyson gave me a weak smile, and then he went after his brother. Ty was the only one who hadn’t said anything. Skye wordlessly came over and gave me a hug.
“Hang in there,” she whispered.
I was so drained from this brief discussion. All I wanted to do was take a nap, but staying in the house would drive me mad.
“Let me get Shane, and we’ll go for a drive. I think I need some air,” I told Isaiah.
“Sure. I’ll be here.”
As I went to retrieve my son, I wondered how much he’d heard and what his response would be to the news. When I opened his bedroom door, he was watching television, wearing the noise-canceling headphones Tyson had gotten him for Christmas. He hadn’t heard us. Good. I wanted to talk to him about it without a bunch of drama.
After I waved my hand to get his attention, he took them off. “Hi, Mommy, can I come out now?”
“You can. I want you to put on your shoes. We’re going to go with Isaiah for a bit. I think we might stop at his house. And if you’re good, we can get ice cream.”
“Yay!” he shouted before he ran to get his shoes. He found them and then worked to put them on. Shane refused to let me help with his shoes now that he was a big boy. I kept thinking about the choice I’d made and Ruin’s reaction to it. His anger made no sense to me. The days of him caring about me were long gone. He’d gone out of his way to show he didn’t care for me and gave his low opinion of me. I had no idea why it changed, and I was tired of trying to figure him out. The best thing for my son and me was to get on with life.
Isaiah was right. As long as I didn’t give guys a real chance, I’d never get over Ruin and never find happiness. Was I nervous to let a man into my life? Yes. Was I scared of what my reaction would be to a physical relationship? Yes. However, what it boiled down to was I wanted to love someone and have them love me. I wanted more children. I didn’t want to look back on my life in fifty years and be filled with nothing but regrets.
Once Shane had his shoes on, I made him grab a jacket. Back in the living room, I found Skye and Executioner had left. Isaiah was talking to Dad and Mom. We made our excuses, and I assured them I’d be back before it got late. I left them holding each other.