58. Astor
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
ASTOR
S he’s wrapped around me the entire way home. Teagan is next to us and keeps glancing at her. They still haven’t talked. I know he is trying his best to give her the space he thinks she needs. The problem is, everything is coming to a head and it’s best they address it and move on before she no longer cares enough to do it. We were all so close and I know that it does bother her that she can’t come to her friend right now. If he knew that she said it’d be better if she were dead, he’d lose it just as much as I did.
I glance at him and he turns away. When I look down at Alessia, her eyes are closed.
“She ok?” he asks.
I nod. “As ok as she can be. Talk to her, you both need it.”
“I don’t want to overwhelm her. She’s getting on her feet again; I’ll talk to her after we get this bastard.” I nod and run my hands over her head as she tucks herself deeper into my embrace. I kiss the top of her head and stare out the window.
“I’m fucking starving. Your cook home?” Justin asks.
“My cook hasn’t been there since Alessia moved in.” She hasn’t. I told her that she could take a much-needed vacation. Now that I think about it, it’s something I probably should tell my wife. The last thing I need is for her to wake up and see a random woman in my kitchen.
“I’m going through a drive thru,” Justin groans. I lean up and smack him in the back of his head.
“You can do that shit after you take me home.” He chuckles, but doesn’t stop the car until he’s in front of my house.
I nudge Alessia and she whimpers before jumping and grabbing me so tightly, even I flinch.
“Hey, we’re home.” She peers up at me and her eyes settle before she sits up and reaches for the door handle. She turns around and looks at everyone.
“Thanks for tonight, guys. For having my back.”
Nods and sounds of acknowledgements go all around. She climbs out and rounds the car, and I watch her in confusion as she pulls Teagan’s door open.
She nods her head, signaling him to step out. He quickly glances at me and I raise my eyebrows at him.
“Keep your hands to yourself,” I warn as he slides out. Mikhail’s phone rings and he groans, throwing his head back against the seat.
“What?” Jay asks. Mikhail tilts his phone, showing Tess’ name across his phone.
“You like her, what’s the problem?” I ask as he fully turns his body to me.
“The problem is she’s a fucking brat that I can’t control. She too unpredictable, she doesn’t stop fucking talking, and I could have sworn she was supposed to be the fucking quiet friend.” I throw my hands up and step out of the car, chuckling.
“We’ll meet tomorrow. I want this shit ended by the end of the week.”
I’m standing at the head of the car, waiting on Alessia. When I look over, she hugs Teagan, and for the first time ever, I see him emotional. She wipes his tears and then playfully pushes him. I wander over, because I can’t help the jealousy that seeps from me.
“Glad you two made up. Now if you’ll excuse us, Teagan, I’d like to enjoy the rest of the night with my wife.”
“Jealous fuck,” he mutters as he climbs into the SUV. I chuckle and lead Alessia into the house.
When the door closes, she leans against it and watches me as I take off my jacket. She clears her throat when I hang it up and smirks at me as she holds her hand out to me. I walk over to her, hovering over top of her.
“Hi, baby,” she says. I take it in because she doesn’t call me that often. As much as I’m not a mushy person, I’d began to realize hearing her call me that made me feel so good.
“Hi, wife.” She stands on her tiptoes and kisses me, making me moan into her mouth.
“Ready to show me that pain?” The pain she’s asking me to do is fucking crazy. She’s asking me to cut her, and even though I know she’ll still get pleasure from it, there’s no way I could get her to feel the pain I felt.
But I’d try. For her, I’d fucking try. And I’ll just hope I can stop when it’s too much for her.
“Go upstairs,” I order her. She pulls her fingers and nods. I let out a deep breath and remind myself that this is what she wants. She’s strong and I know she can take it. If she can’t, she’ll tell me.
She’s waiting for me on the bed, her hands are on her lap as she pulls at her fingers.
“Don’t be nervous. Tell me what you want me to do.”
She slowly unwraps the thigh strap and removes her new blade. She stares down at it for a second and then extends it out to me. “Make me feel how you felt that day.”
“That’s not possible, Alessia.”
“Try. Please.”
“When you want it to stop, say tornado .” She gives me fraction of a smile and nods as I swipe the blade from her hands. I consider where I’ll cut her. Classes start in a few weeks and Christmas is in a couple of days. I can’t let anyone see cuts or scars; I need to do this where only she will know they exist.
“Tonight was hard for me,” I admit as I walk closer to her. I spin the knife around in my hand and she gulps. “It was hard to see you touch him even though I knew you wanted to hurt him. It was hard not to kill him the moment I saw him, even though I knew I’d get to kill him soon enough. I don’t know how I’ll control myself when it’s Miles. I don’t know if I’ll be able to control myself for what he caused and what he ruined.”
“What did he cause?” she asks when I place the knife at the top of her shirt.
“Heartache.” I yank the knife down and her shirt splits in two. She doesn’t flinch. She stays put and watches me. Not the knife, just me.
“And what did he ruin?”
My teeth start grinding the moment she asks, because he ruined so much that it’d be impossible to tell her everything. So, I take the knife and slide it across her chest. It’s deep enough to make her bleed, but superficial enough to already begin clotting when I move to her stomach.
“Me, little devil. He ruined me.” I slowly slide the knife across her stomach and she hisses at the pain. When the blood starts trickling down her flat abdomen, I run my tongue up it.
“More, I can take it.”
“I know you can,” I say before slicing again in the same spot. This one is much deeper, but should heal perfectly fine. She screams out when I make the same incision on the opposite side of her stomach. I step back and watch as she’s covered in blood, her breathing erratic. She looks like a work of art. It doesn’t make me want to stop, it makes me want to join.
I flip the knife around and hand it out to her.
“No,” she gasps as I push it into her hand. “Astor…”
“Mark me. Just like I did you.”
“Why?”
“Because what you feel, I feel .” She briefly closes her eyes, but pulls me down onto the bed as she hovers over top of my body. She starts with my stomach, slicing in the same exact spot as I did her moments ago. I don’t scream, I don’t flinch. Because this is nothing compared to what I felt that day she was taken from me.
Then she does the other side, and when she smirks at me, I know exactly what she’s about to do. She bends down and runs her tongue up my stomach, gliding the knife over my chest while she does it.
When she leans back on her heels, she tilts her head and watches me.
“It’s still not enough,” she says. I yank her to me, our bloodied bodies molded together. I hold her tight and she cries into my shoulder because now we can’t get any closer. We can’t be anymore bonded than we are right now at this moment.
“Tighter, hold me tighter,” she begs.
And I do. So tight that I think I’ll suffocate her.
“I’ve got you. Always, little devil.” When the words leave my mouth, I physically feel every ounce of stress leave her body. I feel the weight lifted from her. She needed this; she needed the pain, she needed the blood. She needed it—and she needed it from me. And I finally know what I wanted to know the moment she found out all of the shit we’d been hiding from her.
She’s going to be ok.