CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
C al
Jason strides to the beach, and I glance up from the water and its now familiar shimmer of turquoise waves that lap around my ankles.
I wonder if I can teach myself to swim. I don’t want to try.
Memories of being stranded on the jet ski are too strong.
My eyes automatically bounce over Jason’s muscular frame before I yank my gaze away.
Jason isn’t mine to look at.
And everyone knows he’s not exactly the most gay-friendly guy.
“Hi,” I say, my voice hoarser than I intend.
“Hey.” His face is flushed.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“Yes,” he says too quickly. He hesitates. “Why?”
“I-I thought I heard a yell.”
He’s silent.
He turns abruptly, hiding his face. My breath sputters.
Oh God. Was Jason Larvik—no. No way.
Was he self-caring in the jungle?
Jason wades into the water beside me. My nostrils flare instinctively, and he immediately steps further away. His cheeks are even redder.
Is he washing off?
No. It doesn’t matter. And even if he was , he wouldn’t be thinking about me .
He splashes water over his face.
“You should have brought sunscreen with you.”
“I didn’t plan—” He stops.
Fuck.
“You didn’t plan to go on a jet ski, did you?”
“No,” he admits.
I grimace. “It’s because I followed you. This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t followed you.”
“It’s not important,” Jason says, his gaze bouncing everywhere but on me.
I get it. My body looks nothing like his.
“I’m going to go to try to build a shelter,” he blurts.
“You think we’ll be here long enough to need one?”
He doesn’t answer.
I swallow back sudden bile. No one has come to rescue us.
“Can I help?” I ask.
He shakes his head hastily. “Nope.” He gestures to me. “You... enjoy.”
Then he bolts like the idea of help physically offends him.
I stare after him, the water now colder against my skin. He’s so capable. He’s building things. Fixing things. Providing.
And I... what? Lounge?
I don’t even swim.
I look at the fish.
Fire.
We need fire.
I need to contribute.
I drag myself out of the water and start collecting wood—damp, so clearly it rains sometimes, but salvageable. I haul the pile to the beach and drop it down. Then I dig through the sand for rocks—not the ones Jason uses to open coconuts.
Maybe I didn’t actually become an athlete, not like I hoped I would when I was in high school, not like I dreamed I would be.
Maybe all the times I threw myself into practice, the times I woke up early and worked out late and said no to parties and fun didn’t result in the fame and fortune I thought my efforts would lead to.
There was no miraculous scholarship waiting for me when my parents divorced and could no longer pay for hockey. Maybe another player would have tried harder, won some scholarship. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. When I was in college, there were no out players in the NHL.
Maybe I would have stuck with it if I’d known Evan McAllister, Captain of the Boston Blizzards, would declare his love for his linemate.
I would have stuck with it if I’d known Finn Carrington, star right winger, would marry his teammate.
Luke Hawthorne and Dmitri Volvov have also ended up with men, something I never imagined I would ever see.
That’s why my stomach sank when I first heard Jason’s comments. All the good, all the openness in the NHL and professional sports in general, seemed on the verge of being stifled.
I look around the beach.
I want to contribute.
Not thinking about Jason... that way. Not wondering if he’s thinking about me, when obviously he isn’t. The man is straight. He’s already kissed a guy, after all. I was that guy.
I stack rocks into a ring, like I’ve seen in movies. I drop kindling in the middle and crouch with a stick and a rock.
Nothing.
I try again. Faster.
Still nothing.
It’s fine. Fire was one of the biggest discoveries in human history. I can’t expect to recreate it on the first try.
But the sky starts to dim, and I’m bleeding from my splintered hands, and I still don’t have anything but damp wood and bruised pride.
It’s ridiculous. But what else should I do?
I don’t know how to start a fire, but we desperately need one.
I’ll figure it out.
I must.