Chapter 6
CHAPTER
SIX
Enzo
Around me, fans stream from the arena in Blizzards scarves, everyone high on the win. I join the swarm of foot traffic. The Charles is dark, the rowers and kayakers have long since abandoned it. On the other side is Back Bay, with its glorious, lit-up row of Gilded Age jewels.
We won. We won big.
Neon signs flicker off the wet pavement. A group of drunk students spills out of a sports bar, shouting something about the game.
“It’s Bellanti!” someone shouts.
I wave. A few college kids grin at me.
“You were awesome. Welcome to Boston!”
Something eases within me. I used to be one of those college students. There were buses that took us from Concord to Boston each day. Axel and I used to—
“What did you think about that interview Knight did?” one of them asks, interrupting my reverie. “Totally crazy.”
I stop walking. “What interview?”
The guy doesn’t meet my eyes. His friends have gone quiet. “He just... didn’t think you’d be a good fit. Said you’d hurt the team chemistry or whatever.”
The wind cuts through my jacket. Around me, fans keep streaming past, laughing, and I’m standing frozen on the sidewalk like an idiot.
Axel went on camera before the game even started and told Boston I didn’t belong here.
I sign the kid’s jersey without looking at it and walk faster. The neon signs blur. I don’t wave at anyone else.
Luca is crying when I get back to the hotel.
The room smells like the vanilla diffuser the hotel cleaning lady put in the room and something sour underneath—maybe a diaper, maybe just the staleness of a space where a toddler has been miserable for hours.
The new nanny—Ariana—gives me a half smile.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “He misses you.”
Luca’s face is blotchy, his nose crusted. He reaches for me with both arms, and something in my chest cracks open.
“Hi Luca!” I say, doing my best to sound cheerful. It doesn’t work. Luca looks at me suspiciously.
I lift him up and pat his bottom. It’s wet. “Let’s get you changed, Luca.”
Ariana’s skin reddens. “Sorry. I-I didn’t notice. He didn’t say.” She sighs. “I did ask him. I—”
She stops. She knows she made a mistake.
I guess nonverbal children are difficult.
I frown. Luca didn’t have this bathroom issue before, and now it’s happened twice in two days.
I give Luca a bath. Ariana hovers awkwardly at the door. I’m paying a thousand dollars a day for premium care, but there’s no way I’m going to just let her handle everything.
I’m supposed to leave Luca with a nanny when we go to New York tomorrow, but I can’t do it. I can’t leave him overnight. Luca needs me too much.
I call the nanny agency and ask them if there is any way I can have a nanny fly with Luca to New York, then meet him there. He doesn’t like cars, but he was fine on the plane to Boston. The nanny agency is skeptical someone will agree at such short notice.
Fortunately, I get a ping that Kayla will come with Luca.
Not ideal, but at least Luca knows Kayla. The agency sent her yesterday after the nanny disaster. Kayla is blonde, bubbly, and excited to nanny for me. She also not-so smoothly dropped into conversation that she’s single and loves hockey.
I sigh. I wonder if any of my teammates are single dads and looking, then I tense.
Technically Axel is a single dad.
Luca is still fussy after his bath, and he’s still fussy when I read him a story. He sobs beside me, and my heart breaks. I don’t know how to fix it.
Ariana comes to my room. “Should I take him?”
“It’s fine. I’ll bring him to you if he falls asleep.”
She tilts her head. “Have you heard about sleep training? Where you let him cry at night to get used to you not being there?”
“He already has to get used to the fact that his mother is never going to return. He doesn’t need to think that he’s in a dark room, and that I don’t care if he’s crying.”
“Millions of parents do it.”
I press my lips together. “It’s not for me.”
“Very well.” She gives me a polite smile that says I’m na?ve.
I need a different situation for Luca.
The plan was simple: premium agency, find the nanny Luca likes best, hire her permanently. But the rotating nannies aren’t working. Luca was crying when I arrived, and my thousand-dollar-a-day expert didn’t notice his pants were wet.
Luca hasn’t responded to any of the nannies. He had his mother before, and he should have her now.
My eyes burn suddenly.
Gaby wasn’t supposed to die. She should be here.
I vow to be the best uncle I possibly can for Luca, but I’m not sure I’m capable of doing it.
I hope so. I have to.
So far, I’m failing at everything.
How am I supposed to make these decisions to raise him? Maybe she’s right, and Luca will settle faster if I don’t come to him when he cries. Maybe there are valid reasons why parents do that. Isn’t she supposed to be the expert?
Sure, my gut tells me not to do it… But has my gut been trained on the best information?
I hesitate.
My gut works for hockey. Does it work for other parts of my life?
But even though it would be easy to acquiesce, when experts are telling me they know better, I’ve seen Luca cry. I don’t want him to be terrified when I can somewhat ease his burden.
I need to buy some how-to-be-a-parent books.
But I’m not Luca’s parent.
I don’t have official custody of him.
I wasn’t supposed to take him out of California. I’m his closest relative, and Boston is where my job is, but that might not matter. I can already picture the headline: NHL STAR KIDNAPS NEPHEW. The photo will be unflattering. They always are.
Could Luca be taken by the state? Could he be put in an orphanage? A foster home?
No. Surely not.
I have the money to provide for him.
But I need to speak with Axel. He wasn’t present for Gaby. Maybe he’ll be happy to sign away custody to me.
Yes.
I pick up Luca. “You’re supposed to go to sleep now, bud. It’s late. See how dark it is outside.”
His eyes round. Now he looks scared.
Great. Excellent parenting, Bellanti. Invoke the darkness. Very soothing.
“Want another story?” I ask.
He stares at me.
The silence where his voice should be is unbearable.
Luca used to talk. He used to chatter. He had opinions on things.
But now he doesn’t say anything at all. He just… feels.
My cheerful voice is a lie. We both know it.
I pull up the Lord of the Rings soundtrack on my phone and find The Shire song.
Axel used to play it in the dorm when we studied, insisting it helped him focus, and I’d never even bothered to pretend to be annoyed by it, even though fiddle-and-flute melodies were never my go-to music choice.
I hum along, off-key, moving Luca’s hands up and down to the rhythm, and Luca’s sobs slow.
“That’s it,” I murmur. “The Shire. Where hobbits live. They eat seven meals a day. You’d like it there.”
He hiccups. His eyes are still wet, but he’s watching me.
I smirk. He’s his dad’s son.
I kiss his forehead and lie with him until his breath evens out as the happy melody, soft and unhurried, fills the room.
When he finally sleeps, I carry him to the other room, where Ariana is waiting.
The music is still in my head.
For a moment it feels like I’m still at my desk studying, drinking vodka orange to keep myself alert and filled with vitamin C—Axel’s idea, and I smile.
Then I remember that Axel said something negative about me, and the smile dies. I go to my phone and open X.
A clip of Axel plays at once, and I swallow uncomfortably. The algorithm knows that I go to his page too often. But then it’s good to know what one’s enemies are doing. That’s all.
If Harry had had X, I’m sure he would have spent a lot of time on Draco’s X page too.
The clip starts playing.
Axel speaks confidently to the camera. How does he manage to look good in tunnels with fluorescent lighting?
The screen glows too bright in the dark room. My thumb hovers over Axel’s face, and I stare at that cocky grin, the jawline, the way he looks directly into the camera like he’s daring someone to challenge him.
Axel’s voice comes through on my phone speaker. I turn the volume down, so it won’t wake Luca.
I watch his mouth move as he tells the reporter that I am bad for the team and that he thinks we’re going to lose because of me.
Well, that didn’t come true at all.
We won.
I smile. The game was the highlight of my month so far. The only time I managed to focus on something besides the pain of losing my sister.
My smile soon vanishes. Tomorrow we have to travel out of state. I need to speak to Axel, and he hates me even more than I thought.
When Luca wakes up crying, I realize I haven’t managed to sleep at all.