Chapter 10
CHAPTER
TEN
Enzo
Axel topples onto the floor, his expression frozen somewhere between shock and horror, and all I can think is: I’ve made a terrible mistake.
I grip Luca tighter, feeling his warmth against my chest, trying to steady myself, but my hands won’t stop shaking.
I shouldn’t have told him.
Maybe I should have taken the chance that Axel wouldn’t one day accuse me of kidnapping his kid by not bringing Luca to him. Maybe I should have dismissed Gaby’s dying wish as the delusions of a dying woman.
No, I wasn’t going to ignore her wish. Of course not.
But have I just ruined her son’s life? What if Axel disappoints Luca? What if Luca gets to know him and care about him and then he leaves? After Luca’s fallen in love with him? Because how could he not in Axel’s presence?
Not, perhaps, his presence now when he’s goggling and quiet.
“Are you going to open your eyes?” I ask Axel.
His eyes snap open. “So this isn’t a dream.”
“You see me in your dreams?” The words are out before I can stop them, and I jerk my gaze away. Axel doesn’t know everything about me, and the last thing I want him to do is to think I have a crush on him.
I swallow something acidic in my throat.
Luca starts to fuss, and I give a silent prayer that there’s a socially acceptable reason for me not to look at Axel. I hadn’t wanted to bring Luca, but Axel needs to meet him. Axel has been avoiding him long enough.
“I didn’t know Gaby passed away. That’s terrible. I—” Axel opens and closes his mouth multiple times.
Were they closer than I thought?
But of course they were closer than I thought. They slept together.
I bounce Luca in my arms, all twenty-five pounds of him. Luca continues to bawl. Lucky guy can do the socially unacceptable thing.
I want to cry too. I’ve been crying more than when Mom died. More than when Gaby moved home to take care of me and started asking if I’d done my homework—parental questions she’d never needed to bother with before.
But then even in high school I wasn’t sleep deprived. I wasn’t woken up at all times of the night. I hired round-the-clock nannies the day after Gaby died. But when your nephew sobs in the dark, confused and terrified, you don’t stay in bed.
Axel flicks his gaze to me. “She didn’t tell me I had a son.”
I swallow hard. “She didn’t?”
He shakes his head.
“Oh.” My heartbeat quickens.
Is he not the father? No. Luca looks like Axel.
But if he didn’t know…
Well, you can’t be a deadbeat dad if you don’t know you have a kid, can you?
“I mean… I’m probably the father,” he says lamely.
Right.
“Oh. Yes. That makes sense.” I nod multiple times.
Well, now I know for sure. I already knew. But if he knows he’s likely the father—well, that means they were together enough times for birth control to fail.
Gaby and Axel were together. How long had they been sleeping together? Every time that he came to LA for games? Months? Years? I thought he was coming to visit me, and really…
I don’t want to know. I definitely don’t want to picture it. My brain, helpfully, tries to picture it anyway.
“Hey…” Axel’s voice is beside me, closer than I expected. He smiles at Luca and shakes his tiny hand. “I’m your father. Your daddy.”
Luca stares at him.
Axel stares at him.
Luca ceases crying.
I suddenly feel out of place.
“Let me take him.” Axel wrangles Luca from my arms.
Luca looks at me, as if to make sure this is okay.
“It’s fine.” I try to smile.
Axel’s arms brush against mine when he lifts Luca, and the contact sends something electric through my skin. I step back too quickly. I hate the ache in my chest when Luca is missing.
“Don’t drop him.”
“I won’t drop my son.”
“It’s been a difficult couple of weeks.”
“I bet.” Axel holds Luca awkwardly.
“And, uh, be careful with him…”
Axel readjusts his grasp. His expression shifts to something close to panic. “Did I hurt him?” He looks down at Luca. “Was that awkward, Luca? Daddy’s not an expert.”
Something tightens in my stomach. “You’re doing fine.”
Axel’s gaze is focused on Luca, and his face goes soft.
I jerk my gaze away. I can’t process this version of Axel.
That’s another socially unacceptable thing I wish I could do: Axel’s face is definitely stare-worthy, though it’s probably Axel’s expression of wonder that is captivating Luca.
Or maybe it’s a primal recognition that Axel is his father. Some sort of blood bond. The difference between father and uncle written into cells.
“Who’s my big boy?” Axel says. “Hi Luca!”
Luca is silent.
“It’s nice to meet you,” Axel says. “Welcome to the East Coast. I, uh, guess you had quite a long trip.”
Luca remains silent.
“And, uh, I hope you had a nice trip coming to New York.” He glances at me. “That’s why your uncle was late.”
“The person flying with him was late to show up,” I admit.
“Ah,” Axel says absentmindedly, his gaze still focused on Luca. “You like flying, Luca?”
My throat tightens. Luca doesn’t speak. He doesn’t want to be pressured to speak. I’ve seen him with enough nannies to know that.
Luca screams, and Axel’s shoulders slump. He turns to me, and I hold out my arms.
“Sorry. I-I don’t know anything about kids.” Axel’s cheeks are red.
I bounce Luca’s writhing, clinging body in my arms.
“What do you need?” Axel asks.
“Everything is taken care of.”
Axel nods. He knows Gaby was my only family, and I’m glad he doesn’t ask me about aunts and uncles who don’t exist.
“I’m sorry, Enz.” His expression is so tender that my heart lurches.
“I-I should go.” I hurry toward the door, blinking rapidly.
“Wait! Enzo!”
I leave his room.
The corridor is too bright after the dim hotel room. The ice machine hums somewhere nearby.
I blink rapidly then walk down the corridor, forcing the tears back.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.