Chapter 18
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
Enzo
Crying. I jolt awake, heart slamming, and for a disorienting second, I don’t know where I am. A blanket is over me that wasn’t there before, and my cheek is pressed against cold leather. I blink into the black night.
Luca.
God, I fell asleep! I didn’t put him to bed! Why didn’t Axel wake me up?
I hurry to Luca’s room. Footsteps join mine.
“Don’t worry,” Axel says, and he flicks on the light.
Luca’s face is contorted and stained with tear tracks. He blinks in the bright light, then screams.
Axel’s face pales.
“I can take him,” I say.
“I’ve got him.” Axel scoops Luca into his arms, but Luca wriggles free and reaches for me.
“Oh.” Axel’s cheeks redden. “Uncle time.”
Luca squeezes his arms around my neck and cries. His small body shakes against mine, hot and damp with sweat. Axel looks stricken.
He’s never seen Luca cry like this before. I hesitate, unsure what he’ll think.
I know now that Axel didn’t abandon Luca, that he didn’t know Luca existed… but that doesn’t mean he wanted children.
“Did you have a nightmare?” I ask Luca.
Luca continues to cry.
I think Luca remembers the accident. He has to.
He’s frightened every time he gets in a car.
He was frightened of the traffic rug that Axel got for the room.
Luca was in a rear-facing car seat, and he wasn’t injured.
The truck hit Gaby on her side. Could he hear her crying?
Whimpering? What did he see when the rescue workers pulled her out?
Does he think she abandoned him? He was at her tiny funeral… but how much did he understand?
And he doesn’t talk.
I hold Luca in my arms, and Axel leaves. Does he wish he hadn’t opened his apartment to us? But then Axel returns with a tissue box that he places on Luca’s bedside table. He takes some tissues and dabs at Luca’s tiny, tear-stained cheeks and snotty nose.
“You’re safe now,” Axel tells Luca. “You’re with your uncle and daddy.”
Something twists in my gut when he says those words. Sometimes when we’re together, it feels like we’re an actual family, but Axel and I are only here because of Luca.
“You want a story, Luca?”
I take Luca’s iPad and pick out a story.
Axel watches, surprised. Maybe he didn’t notice it before.
I start to read, and finally Luca settles against me. He falls asleep, and Axel smiles.
We tiptoe out of the room, and I shut the door carefully.
“I’m sorry for falling asleep earlier,” I whisper. “Thank you for putting Luca to bed.”
It’s too dark to read his face.
“You don’t have to do it all by yourself, Enz.” He pads away.
I head toward the couch.
Crying sounds again.
I whirl around and head back to Luca’s room. Axel follows me just like before, then flicks on the light just like before.
“How can I help?” Axel asks.
“You can’t.” The words come out sharper than I intend.
Axel stiffens and when I glance back, he’s no longer there.
I inhale. I go to Luca and comfort him again. It takes longer for him to fall asleep this time.
I find Axel waiting on the couch for me when Luca finally falls asleep.
My pulse quickens. Here it comes: the conversation I’ve been dreading since we moved in.
The first time Axel met Luca, I thought he’d reject him immediately. Then I thought he’d lose interest after a week. Now we’re living in his apartment, and Luca lights up when he sees him, and if Axel walks away now—
I square my shoulders. Better to know. Better to rip it off clean before Luca starts calling him Daddy and meaning it.
“Do you do that every night?” Axel asks.
My spine goes rigid. “Yes.”
He sighs. This is it. This is when he finds the words to say he doesn’t want us.
I brace myself.
“No wonder you’re always exhausted.”
“I love Luca. Of course, I’ll show up for him.”
“I’m sorry. I know. That’s not what I meant. I—” He stops.
“Look,” I say, “you need to tell me if you don’t want us here. It’s better if we know early on, before Luca can build memories with you.”
Axel recoils like I’ve hit him. “I don’t want you to go anywhere. I—I thought we had a good time tonight. And the shopping—you liked that, right?
“Yes. But Luca won’t always be cute and sweet. Sometimes he’ll be sad and sick and—”
“And I’m here for that,” Axel says.
“You just found out about him. How can you be sure?”
“He’s my son.”
“But what if you get bored of him? You’re here in your bachelor pad.”
“I’m living close to my friends and colleagues! Finn and Noah are here. Jason and Cal are here too. It’s convenient. It’s not bad.”
I stare at him.
“I’m loyal, Enz. You should know that.”
I’m silent. “You have so many friends and a great family, and—”
Axel inhales sharply. “I’m loyal, Enz. I met you on the first day of college, and I was loyal to you for years.
You stopped talking to me, not the other way around.
I’m one of the longest-playing Blizzards players, and yes, I could have made more money and become captain if I hadn’t told my agent to shove it when other teams approached.
Luckily, the Blizzards felt the same way about me.
I wish you cared about that. But if you’re trying to push me away…
no, I won’t be pushed away. I want Luca in my life. Please don’t ask me again.”
Then he’s gone. His bedroom door clicks shut, and I’m alone in the dark living room with the harbor lights glittering through the window like nothing is wrong. I stand there, shaking.
Tears burn my eyes, and I head to the couch. I bury myself under the blanket—the same one he wrapped over me earlier, then bury my face in a pillow. It smells faintly of Axel’s cologne.
I don’t want Axel to hear me cry.
Everything is wrong.
Axel
The blanket is crumpled on the couch when I come out in the morning, Enzo’s eyes are red, and his skin is back to that gray shade it was when he first arrived in Boston.
I want to wrap my arms around his neck and tell him it’s all going to be okay.
I sit down beside him in the kitchen. “I’m sorry things got too serious last night.”
He looks at me, startled. “I’m sorry. You are loyal. Thank you.”
Now I really want to pull him into my arms. “It’s going to be okay, Enzo, I promise.”
His smile turns crooked.
Maybe things can’t ever be truly okay after his sister died and his mother died and his dad left him. Maybe the things that made them disappear left wounds in him.
He runs a hand through his too-long hair, now curly in a way it never was before.
Our knees touch, and warmth spills from him, settling the worry in my cells.
“I spoke with Evan this morning,” I tell him.
“You did?”
“Evan and Vinnie are raising Evan’s daughter Stella. She’s a few years older than Luca, but very nice. Stella normally goes to Evan’s parents’ apartment in Beacon Hill for away games. They take her to school and everything. Evan suggested that Luca and Patricia can stay over too.”
“Really? That’s an imposition…”
“They like children. Evan’s mom used to teach kindergarten. Luca can be in Stella’s room. That way he gets more of a family experience. I think it would be good for him.”
“Oh.” Enzo blinks. “I guess we could try it.”
I smile. “That’s what I said. If it doesn’t work, we’ll hire another nanny to help Patricia for away games.
But I don’t want him to feel in the future that he was raised by staff.
And for close games, we can still have Patricia travel with him, like Kayla did when we went to New York City, since he’s not in preschool yet. ”
“Thank you,” Enzo says.
“We’re a team,” I say, and Enzo’s eyes shimmer. “We both want the best for him.”
“Right.” Enzo’s gaze drops to his hands. “You’re a really good man, Axel.”
“It’s no big deal, really.” I elbow him. “And I thought I was making things too heavy last night.”
A small laugh escapes him. “I made coffee. I’ll get you a cup.”
Enzo also made pancakes and scrambled eggs, and soon I’m happily eating.
“I didn’t hear you make this,” I say. “I was staying in my room to be quiet.”
He smiles. “Luca always wakes up early. I was trying to be quiet. I’m glad I succeeded.”
Something eases in my chest, and I smile back at him.