Chapter 7
CHAPTER
SEVEN
Florian
Annika is staring at Mateo. Does she not like him? Does she not like that I am with a man?
My parents are fine—thank goodness. Not that I thought they wouldn’t be, but I’d braced myself too many times for the soft inhalation, the exchanged glances, the wary response.
“I fell hard,” Mateo says. “It’s not difficult to love Florian.”
No one has said that to me.
No one.
Maybe I don’t remember being in Boston, but I remember the rest of my life.
The years of pretending that I was too focused on hockey to date, alternatively implying to people that I hooked up on away games or that I was demisexual or something.
No one told me they loved me.
Not my teammates who aggressively announced their adoration for women, openly passing around dirty magazines on busses and playing poker amongst themselves with equally salacious playing cards.
And even then, even when they enthusiastically announced their desires for everything I didn’t want, didn’t have, I would have to restrain my gaze from wandering to forbidden torsos and chests and arms in the locker rooms. I had to train my view on my own hands lacing my skates, had to make excuses to keep from drinking, lest I find myself staring too long at someone and thinking maybe, maybe, maybe, and leaned in too close and destroyed my hockey career and friendship group all in one tipsy go.
But somehow, I did something right after all.
Somehow, I found a man who pats my hair and tells me I’m amazing. I stare at this beautiful man in front of me.
“How did you meet?” Annika asks Mateo. “Florian never mentioned you.”
Mateo winces, and I squeeze his hand.
“I am sorry,” I tell him. “I should have told my sister about you.”
“It’s fine, Florian.”
“I apologize,” I say. “I hope you can forgive me.”
He looks alarmed, and his eyes flicker to the heart monitor.
But then he cups my cheeks with his fingers. “You did nothing wrong, Florian.”
I beam under his praise, and joy rushes through my body like when the sky is lighting up with fireworks and everyone is holding sparklers and telling one another how much they mean to each other.
“I love you,” I say.
His jaw drops, then he smiles. “I-I love you too, Florian.”
I turn to my family.
My mother’s eyes have gone misty. “I didn’t know you were gay.”
“You were not supposed to know. It was a secret.”
She nods, but her eyes remain sad, and I suppose it is sad.
“I am braver with Mateo,” I tell her, and a strange look passes over Mateo’s face.
I squeeze his hand more tightly, and he does not let go.
“I’m glad to see you so happy,” my father says. “Boston was a good move for you.”
I nod, because he’s correct.
“How is your head?” my father asks.
“It will improve.”
“Soon you’ll have no pain,” Mateo says.
I smile at him. “And then I’ll remember you!”
His cheeks are pink.
“I like it when you blush,” I tell him.
“You don’t remember him?” Annika frowns.
I glance at my sister.
She seems to be in an unusually disagreeable mood. Perhaps she does not like the final year of her master’s program as much as she hoped to like it. Unfortunately, I do not remember our recent conversations.
“Florian has amnesia,” Mateo says finally.
My parents gasp. Annika’s expression sobers.
I hate it.
They make it seem like this is something terrible. Which I suppose it is.
“But I feel fine,” I say quickly. “Apart from all the pain.”
“And you have Mateo,” my mother says.
“Who you do not remember,” Annika says, looking at Mateo strangely.
“No. But I will remember him.” I turn to Mateo. “I promise you. I will remember you.”
“Yes.” His jaw tenses somewhat, which is weird, but it must be strange for him to meet his boyfriend’s family under these circumstances.
“This can’t have been an easy day for you,” I say.
“You woke up,” he says. “That’s the important thing.”
My body relaxes, and everything is warm and wonderful. I yawn.
His dark eyes are tender. “Get some sleep.”
Then he hesitates, probably because my family is in the room, then kisses my cheek. The heart monitor beeps, and he chuckles and shakes his head.
Voices drift around me, but it doesn’t matter. Everyone I love is in this room with me. No matter what happens with hockey, that’s the most important thing.
I smile.
I am a Blizzard. They signed me up years ago, but I have been playing in Europe for so long, I sometimes wondered if they would ever send for me. I thought for sure I would come after Dmitri Volkov was deported, but they got another player from Los Angeles instead.
But I managed to join after all.
I have never been so happy.
I am still happy when I wake up, and I am still happy when the nurses explain to Mateo and my family when I need to take pills, what I need to be eating, and how I can best recover.
I continue to be happy as I’m wheeled out. Mateo tells my family that we can all stay in my apartment together. I’ll have my boyfriend, my parents, my sister.
I am very lucky.