Chapter 42
CHAPTER
FORTY-TWO
Florian
I am late for my first practice.
Not very late.
But I have never been late for practice before, and this is my first one at this new job.
I jog inside. The security guard scans my badge, then I hurry as I try to weave my way to the locker room.
Coach Dawson raises his eyebrows. “Mr. Richter.”
“I’m sorry I’m late,” I say.
“Take a seat.”
“I was at the airport to drop off my—” I hesitate.
Is Mateo my boyfriend? We didn’t decide anything. We didn’t talk about anything.
“You can say boyfriend here,” Coach Dawson says. “Don’t let it happen again.”
“I promise.”
I hope the reason I’m promising isn’t that Mateo won’t ever visit me again.
What does ‘I love you’ mean? Does it mean he wants to be with me? To move in with me? To be my boyfriend in the non-fake sense?
Because it’s also what one says to children or grandmothers or pets.
In German it’s easier. In German there are separate phrases. “Ich hab dich lieb” for acquaintances and family members and the otherwise adorable, and “ich liebe dich” for romantic love.
That’s what I meant.
Did he?
He must. He said it with such seriousness. He must.
Because I definitely do love him back.
I throw myself into practice and meeting people. A few of them mention that it sucks that my boyfriend is flying back, and I nod, because they’re right.
I’ll miss him so much.
Annika calls me once I get back.
“Mateo is gone,” I say.
“Oh. I—” Annika sighs. “I’m sorry, Florian.”
“We love each other,” I explain. “I think.”
“Oh,” she says hastily. “That’s good. It’s good to have people you love.”
“Yes.”
All my life I have been terrible at having friends.
Maybe I was okay at it when I was younger, and I could just play with Annika and her friends.
And maybe playing hockey, being part of a team, gave me friendship too.
But I’ve never had men I was really close to, not before Mateo.
It was always awkward when they started to talk about women.
I do not like to lie. When I tentatively agreed with them about various women’s features, I always felt like I was telling a lie, even if it was true that they had the symmetrical features and clear skin normally associated with the attractive.
“Why isn’t Mateo with you now?” Annika asks. “Did you fight?”
I frown. Annika is so intelligent, but even she must understand that Boston and Nashville are far apart. “His sister is in Boston. His job is in Boston. He loves Boston.”
“His job—”
“I know,” she says. “His life is in Boston. But you are in Nashville.”
“I am,” I admit. I like the city more than I thought. “Nashville is extremely American.”
“And you like America.”
“Yes.”
I like the shiny buildings. I like the ridiculous amounts of land. I like the hot air that reminds me I’m not in Germany.
I had fun moving here with Mateo.
But now Mateo is gone, and maybe Nashville isn’t as nice as I thought it was when he was at my side, exclaiming at all the big buildings and the music bars.
Annika sighs. “I don’t like making you uncomfortable.”
“You shouldn’t!”
“But,” she says, “I have to ask you something.”
“Fine.”
“Did you ask Mateo to stay with you in Nashville?”
“I can’t change his life—”
“Maybe he wants his life to be changed. Maybe you’re worth it.”
“Annika…”
“Or maybe I have this wrong,” Annika says.
“Mateo told me that at some point that you’re going to realize he’s not worth it.
Is that what this is about? Maybe you want to start dating men?
Be a bachelor? I mean, you’re a very eligible one.
I understand that, though you shouldn’t pretend to be sad about Mateo—”
“I am sad!”
“But you want to date other people,” Annika says. “Maybe the kind of person who wears a suit to work?”
“That is ridiculous, Annika. No one is more wonderful than Mateo! I do not want to—”
I stop.
I feel her smiling on the other end of the line.
“I should have asked him to stay,” I say.
“Yes.”
“Maybe he would have said no.”
“Maybe,” she agrees. “But I do think he really likes you. He’s sweet. And he… He genuinely cares. That’s important. He came to Nashville for you, right?”
“Yes,” I say. “That was nice.”
“I bet.” She laughs.
Sometimes Annika is so annoying.
But if she’s right…
My eyes round. Maybe Mateo could be here with me. Permanently.
“You need to give him the option,” Annika says. “If it is one.”
“It’s one,” I say. “It definitely is one.”
“Good. Then go talk to him.”
I say goodbye to Annika, then go to call Mateo.
Except…
I chew my lower lip, then put the phone down.