Chapter 6
CHAPTER SIX
JESSIE
“ W hat are you looking for?”
Mia sits opposite me, watching me look around the small boho-style café opposite the college library. Other than a couple of students getting takeout coffees, we are the only people in here, and no one has recognized me—thank fuck. I’m not surprised; I look like shit, and I could tell Mia noticed when her mouth popped open in shock after I turned toward her in between the shelves.
Fuck, was I relieved to see her. Not having any idea where she was staying or if she was even on campus at this time of year, I knew I was taking a risk. But jumping the barrier in the library and hanging out at the back after every practice was worth it. I had been ready to give up and message her on social media, but I wanted this meeting to be in person. That way I could look at her. Smell her scent. And the second I did, I knew I had to spend more time with her. So, I suggested grabbing a drink.
Beyond this moment, I’m not sure what I expected to get out of coming here. But my feet kept taking me back to the library, even though I knew she’d see me in this state.
I’ve hit the bottle hard each night since Mom called me and asked for more money, triggering memories. And then seeing that guy’s arm around Mia in front of the Space Needle. I guess I came here wanting at least one answer. Even if it’s none of my fucking business.
Is she dating?
“Making sure Graham didn’t bug this place.”
I look at Mia as she holds a cup of cocoa between her hands. Her deep red nail polish matches her red half-finger gloves.
“He’s not that controlling,” she replies, blowing away the steam.
This is awkward. I don’t know why I expected it not to be. The past couple of interactions we had have made it exactly that, and it’s all my fault.
Every time I’ve seen Mia since that day her dad caught us on her bed, my brain has done the exact opposite of what my heart wants.
Just looking at her unearths all the worst emotions within me—hurt, rejection, a complete feeling of worthlessness. I’m not good enough for her. I know I’m not. I never will be. And deep down, I know she feels that too.
But looking at her also stirs an insane need within me.
“Are you seeing him?” I blurt out of nowhere.
Fuck.
My heart pounds in my chest as she cocks her head to the side and sets her mug down on the table. I’m hot and sweating, and my breathing has turned erratic.
“What do you mean?”
I pray I don’t leave marks as I drag my nails down the sides of my face. “You know who, Mia. Space Needle Guy.”
“Space Needle Guy? Jessie, are you okay?” Mia tucks a piece of her silky, dark hair behind her ear.
She had bangs cut in since I last saw her properly, and, fuck, is she gorgeous. Her rosy cheeks are prominent and draw me in. But, as always, it’s the gold speck in the green iris of her left eye that captivates me. It sparkles like glitter.
“I’m fine,” I say, shaking away my thoughts and trying to concentrate past staring at her. My head is still fuzzy as fuck from last night’s vodka.
“I don’t know who Space Needle Guy is, Jessie.” Mia’s eyes go wide as if she suddenly connected the dots. “Wait, you mean Leo?”
She half laughs as if it were the most insane thought ever, and relief washes through me, making my head feel slightly lighter.
“Yeah, Leo, if that’s his name. He had his arm around your shoulders.”
She blurts out another laugh. “He’s just a friend, and he was showing me around the city. Tara, another one of my friends, took the photo. We all took photos of each other.”
I wouldn’t know. I only focused on the one of her.
She straightens slightly in her chair and picks her mug back up, her face changing from amused to annoyed. “What does it matter anyway? And why were you looking at my profile?”
Yeah, why were you looking, Jessie?
I’ve got no answer to that, so instead, I scuff the floor lightly with my sneaker and lean my forearms on the table, twisting my hands together.
When I bring my attention back to her, it’s clear she’s watching, maybe even appreciating the way my biceps and forearms flex with the motion. I run hot most days, so a T-shirt and thick coat are all I need, even in a Seattle winter. When your trauma-affected body runs on cortisol, you rarely feel the cold.
“So, you’re single?”
Jesus fucking Christ, Jessie, rein it in. You shouldn’t even be talking to her, let alone checking on her dating status.
“Yes,” she drawls. “I am still single. I’m also well overdue on the assignment I was working on in the library.”
I pick up my glass of water and take a sip, trying to push past her need to leave and study. I’m not ready to let her go yet. “How’s college going?”
“Are we friends now or something?”
She still looks annoyed, but past that, I can see the hurt in her eyes, like she’s finding seeing me difficult. I’ve given her zero answers since whatever we had ended, and I have zero to offer her now too.
“Do you want to be, Mia?”
She runs her tongue across her perfect white teeth and then thumbs to her bag. “Yeah, sure. Let me just give my dad a call, and you can call Burrows, and we can run it past them. I’m sure they’ll be fine with it.”
“Couldn’t give a fuck what they think, Mia.” It’s the truth. I couldn’t really.
Sure, I need hockey, but Coach isn’t about to trade me if I can clean up my act and stop turning up to games and practices half-cocked. I’ve got a lot of respect for what Graham did for me as a boy, but I’ll be goddamned if he dictates who I can and can’t see, even his daughter. If I can avoid him getting his hands around my throat, I’ll survive.
The real issue is me. It’s always been me, and it always will be. I live two lives. The Jessie I want Mia to see and the one who lives back where I grew up—South Boulevard–Park Row. I’ll never shake my past while it remains my present.
“I’m worried about you, Jessie.”
I know she is, and I know it’s partly responsible for the pain in her eyes.
“I’m fine. I’ll be fine.” I take a deep breath, filling my lungs. “I just heard you were living here, and it would’ve been weird if I hadn’t come to see you. There’s … too much history between us not to,” I say on an exhale.
She smiles, and fuck if it doesn’t make me want to smile too.
“Do you ever think about that day in my bedroom?” Mia keeps her green eyes on mine, searching me, maybe even pleading for her answer once more.
“I think about a lot of moments, Mia.”
Her eyes begin to shine, and she swipes her long hair over her shoulder in haste. “What moments?”
The kind of moments I’ve never been able to—and never want to try to—re-create with any other woman.
A smile creeps onto my face; it’s subtle, but it’s there, and it lifts me when I see it reflected on her. “Secret moments.”
I watch as she bites on the inside of her cheek and looks off to the side.
“Special moments,” she adds.
A few beats of silence pass between us. The temptation to climb over the table separating us, haul her into my arms, and take her back to my place is overwhelming. Graham could arrest me on the way there, but I’d still find a way to lay beside her tonight.
If only it were that fucking simple. Jensen would tell me it is. But he doesn’t know shit about me. No one does. Not even Mia.
And I’ll never let her either—because at that point, she’d have seen too much. She’d be in too deep in a life I’d never let her get mixed up in.
Shame, guilt, anger, and hurt ripple through my veins.
Mia checks her watch and then looks back at me. Part of me knows she wants to stay, maybe even come back to my place just to talk in private, to be around me a while longer.
“I need to head out. This assignment isn’t going to write itself.” She shrugs on her jacket, and her scent finds its way over the table again, making my pulse pick up. She rises from her chair in a hurry and grabs her backpack, throwing it over her shoulder.
I remain seated as she comes to stand next to me, her hands dangling by her sides. Without thinking anything through, I bring mine next to hers, gently wrapping our little fingers together.
Her breath catches in her throat at the contact, causing her to pull away, and instantly, my chest shrinks at the loss.
“Bye, Jessie.”
She looks at me one last time before she takes off, leaving the memory of where it all went wrong hanging between us.