Chapter 47
Chapter Forty-Seven
RENLEY
A twig snaps, causing my eyes to dart toward the opening along the bushes.
Theo appears, holding his phone out as a flashlight.
My need for him clamors in my chest while my brain puts up a wall, not wanting him any closer. I’m already cracking inside. I don’t know what I’ll do if he comforts me in this moment.
“Don’t,” I say, shaking my head. “Please, just let me be.”
He pauses, standing at the opening of the bushes while I lean against the trunk of the tree that holds the rope swing.
The pond is still, unlike my rapidly beating heart, the night is bright with the moon above, and in the distance, fireflies light up among all the leaves, creating a dreamlike atmosphere despite the very real reality that I’m facing with a man that I didn’t want to fall for but absolutely did.
“I can’t,” Theo says, his voice rough, full of the same heavy emotion that is resting on my chest. “And you know I like to give you your space to think things through, but I can’t let you think this through on your own.”
“Think what through? There is nothing to think through,” I say as I pull my legs into my chest. “You’re leaving, you have to leave, and that’s that.”
He moves forward, and with every step that he takes, closing the distance between us, my heart pounds, begs, pleads with me to have another moment with him.
Actually not just a moment—I want so much more than a moment. I don’t want him to go. I want him to stay here and help me with the store, not because I need his help but because I want him there.
When his shoes come into view and I see the sneakers I had a hand in helping him purchase—which feels like so long ago—a tear slides down my cheek.
And when he squats in front of me and lifts my chin with his finger, another tear falls.
“Love,” he says so softly that it actually breaks me.
One word.
That’s all it takes.
My world comes crashing down around me.
The stress of the shop.
The anxiety of Theo leaving and the unknown of what goes along with that.
The anger I feel toward my aunt…toward Rupert.
It all hits me at once and I break down into a fit of sobs, right there under the tree, next to the pond that has brought me so much joy this summer.
Pain echoes through my chest, ricocheting as I feel Theo move in beside me, and then he pulls me onto his lap, where I curl into his chest and let him hold me as he soothingly rubs my back and places soft kisses on the top of my head.
“It’s going to be okay,” he whispers.
“It’s not.” I shake my head and cling to his shirt.
“It’s not going to be okay. Nothing about this is going to be okay.
You’re leaving and I just got in a fight with my aunt, and…
and you’re leaving and I don’t want you to leave and I know I shouldn’t say that because your dad had a heart attack, but I’m scared that I won’t see you again and…
and I like you, Theo. I didn’t want to like you, but goddammit, you made that impossible. ”
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t want to make things harder on you, but you didn’t make it easy on me either.
You made it so easy to fall for you, Renley.
Everything about you I gravitate toward, from your tough exterior, to your softer side, to your tenacity and hard work.
I’m so fucking attracted to you, so bloody obsessed. ”
I lift my head to look him in the eyes, tears still streaming down my face.
“It’s going to be so empty here without you.
” My feelings come rushing out of me. I was going to attempt to hold them back, to not show my cards, but it feels damn near impossible with him holding me, wrapping me in his warmth, and my emotions warring within me.
“You bring light and joy to my days. You’ve taught me how to relax, how to enjoy the small parts of my day.
I’m going to miss that, terribly. Everything about it I’m going to miss.
But most importantly, I’m going to miss this, us.
The way you hold me, cherish me, look at me.
You’ve made me feel like so much more than I’ve ever seen in myself. I…I don’t want to lose that, lose you.”
“You’re not,” he says, his voice firm yet soft.
“Yes, you’re leaving. You have to go help your dad. That’s…that’s your priority, along with the family title. I know this, even though for a short moment I allowed myself not to think about it.”
He’s silent for a second, and I can practically hear him thinking through his options before he says, “Maybe there’s a way I don’t have to take the title.”
I shake my head. “No, that would sever any bit of relationship you have left with your father.”
“Are you assuming that if I go back and take the title, my relationship with my father will change? I can guarantee it won’t. Probably will get worse because I gave you up for a life I don’t want.”
“You don’t mean that. I heard you talking to Rupert after he walked in on us. You have to go, you have to fulfill your duty. I get that, I’m just…I’m struggling with actually accepting that reality.”
He cups my cheek, forcing me to look him in the eyes, which are full of regret.
“I’m sorry that you overheard us,” he says.
“This has been a very confusing and abrupt development I wasn’t expecting.
I’ve had to work through all my thoughts and feelings within a short period of time.
I’ve been indecisive, I’ve been thoughtless and confused, and I haven’t been truthful with you.
I’m sorry, love, you deserve so much more than that. ”
“What haven’t you been truthful about?” I ask, fear creeping up the back of my neck, because all I can think is that he hasn’t been truthful about his feelings. That would just about break any trust I have with men forever.
“I haven’t been truthful about my feelings,” he says, his eyes on mine.
I lean back, my heart racing. “Theo,” I whisper, my mind falling to the negative.
“Renley, listen—”
“No.” I shake my head and start to push away from him. “Don’t do this to me, please. Just…just pretend you liked me, just pretend this meant something to you, let me hold on to that falsehood as you go back, please. I don’t think I can take the truth.”
His grip around me tightens as he says, “What are you talking about? Renley, love.” He grips my cheek, his warm palm sending a false sense of comfort through me. “I’m not telling you that I don’t have feelings for you. I’m trying to…hell, I’m trying to tell you that I love you.”
“Wh-what?” I ask, my brain short-circuiting from the onslaught of emotions tumbling through my mind.
“What Rupert said wasn’t right. This isn’t just a hookup, and I think I’ve expressed that to you, but after everything that’s happened and what you overheard, and the dilemma I’m facing with my father about my obligation to my family, I want you to know one solid thing about what’s going on in my head, and that’s you.
I’m in love with you, for so many reasons, but the biggest one being you fill a hole in my life I didn’t know I had.
And I’m finally allowing myself to acknowledge that. I don’t want to lose you, Renley.”
I grip the back of his head, my fingers threading through his thick brown hair. “I don’t want to lose you either.”
“Then we’ll figure this out,” he says, before pressing a light kiss on my lips.
“We’ll figure this out together, but we can’t give up on it, okay?
I have to leave tomorrow, but I can’t have you going silent on me.
I can’t have you ignoring me. The only way we can get through this is with communication.
I think we’ve been pretty damn good at that since we started. Promise me we will keep it going.”
I nod, knowing exactly what he’s talking about. “I promise I won’t go silent.”
“Because we can do this, Renley, we can figure this out. I want to figure this out.”
I press my forehead to his. “I want to figure this out as well. So much.”
The words are on the tip of my tongue, that I love him as well, and I know I should say them, but there’s a damaged piece of me, a side that I’m not even sure I know too much about, that is holding me back.
But as his lips land on mine and I turn in his grip to straddle his lap, I realize that there is no pressure from him to say it. He’s never pressured me, only supported.
And this is exactly why I need him in my life.
Tears stream down my cheeks as Theo stands in front of me, his lips pressing into my forehead as his strong arms wrap around me.
His luggage is in the waiting car, and some guy named Lamar is standing outside it, watching us say our goodbyes.
After I spent what felt like the entire night with Theo out by the pond, just making out, talking, and making out some more until I was far too cold to be outside anymore, we headed back to our houses, him holding on to my hand the entire time.
After I disappeared into my house, I went straight to bed and sobbed myself to sleep, only awaking when my alarm went off, telling me it was time to say goodbye to Theo.
Aunt Kitty has already said her goodbyes and is sitting in her kayak, paddling through air.
I have yet to talk to her since last night, and I honestly don’t know how to approach the conversation.
I’m so angry, so disheartened, so frustrated.
I fear that if I do say something, it’s not going to be kind, and the last thing I need to do right now is heighten the tension between us, but I also don’t think I can go on like this, living in this house with her, because it’s only hurting our relationship.
“It’s going to be okay,” he whispers. “I promise.”
I cling to him, not wanting to let go.
I’ve never been this emotionally attached to a man, even my father. When he passed, I was incredibly sad—it was a loss in my life that changed me—but for some reason, this feels different. This feels like the moment Theo leaves, I will crumble.
He’s been my backbone through all of this, something I didn’t realize until yesterday.
I know I’ve taken on the shop by myself, and I’ve accomplished so much with it, but having him there, having a partner, kept me going.
And I loved showing him progress and sharing the experience with him, and now that he won’t be the person that I go off with at night after a long, hard day, it makes me feel empty and devoid of joy.
More tears erupt as a sob escapes me.
God, I’m never this emotional. What is wrong with me?
“I’m sorry,” I say, wiping at my eyes. “I just wish we had more time. I didn’t get to take you fishing. And the shop, you won’t see it finished or be there for the opening.” My lip quivers.
The opening.
He would thrive during the opening, and I know he would keep me calm while charming all of the patrons.
“This isn’t goodbye forever.” He lifts my chin with his index finger. “Love, this is just for now while I get things sorted. Okay?”
I nod, but it doesn’t lessen the ache in my chest or the emptiness in my bones.
Because it’s just words. Everything is words.
My dad used words.
My aunt used words.
And both of them disappointed me.
“Watch,” he says, practically reading my mind. “Watch how we make this work. It’s not just me saying it, love. Watch it happen. Okay?”
I nod, the conviction in his words settling the aching pit in my stomach.
“Okay.”
He tips my chin up farther and presses a kiss to my lips, the sensation of him this close, this intimate, filling me up with desire, with strength, with the belief that maybe, just maybe, everything is going to turn out okay in the end.
When he pulls away, he wipes my tears with his thumbs and then brings his lips to my ear, where he whispers, “I love you.”
Then he pulls away, an invisible string tugging on my heart, nearly ripping it from my chest as he offers me that smile that stole my breath the first day I met him.
“Be strong, love.” He waves and then hops into the car, where Rupert is already waiting for him.
Lamar gets into the car, it starts, the taillights shine, and then they take off, pulling out of the driveway.
Aunt Kitty continues to paddle as she says, “Goodbye, our Englishmen. Goodbye.”
I take a seat on our porch steps and bury my head in my hands as more tears rack my body.
Please…please let him come back. I didn’t know how much I wanted him, needed him, until he had to leave.