Chapter 5 Clara
Clara practically ran back to her room. She closed the door carefully, holding the doorknob until she could slip it in place soundlessly. Completely alone, she slumped against the door, sliding to the floor and almost knocking her mirror off in the process.
She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t spend the next couple weeks around him.
Not like this. I have to be strong. She reminded herself over and over, but she felt like all of the work she had done in the last few years evaporated in his presence.
And when they sealed their rules, she caught his scent and it threw her back to all those moments wrapped in his arms. She had almost hesitated.
Had almost given into weakness and leaned into him.
She wanted to. God knows she wanted to. “Okay,” she whispered to herself, “This is just a test, right? A hard assignment to once again prove your worth. You’ve done this before.
” She paused, pulling down her ponytail and letting her hair fall around her shoulders.
It would be smart to cut or shave it; she would have if she were a soldier, but for her purposes she kept it long to blend in.
And because she liked it. “Well, not this exactly. But you can do this.”
Her speech did little to encourage her, but it did keep her from completely giving up.
As she had so many times before, she pulled down one of the books her father had left her.
She traced her fingers over the lines in the pages, running one gently over her father’s hastily scrawled notes on the edges. This was why she fought.
Because he fought. Because he died fighting.
And though it may damn her, she was her father’s daughter.
A fact both her mother and Carver had reminded her of through the years.
Strong-willed, rebellious, but she had never been as strong as him.
He had been a spy, like Carver. She wondered for a moment what her father would think of his daughter having so much blood on her hands.
Would he be proud she attempted to follow in his footsteps, or disappointed in the number of lives she had taken?
She put the book back, and pulled the sketchbook onto the floor with her.
On her hands and knees, she reached underneath her bed and tugged out a small box.
It was filled with the braided bracelets Reese gave her each time she left for a mission.
A reminder that someone wanted her to return unscathed.
Clara opened the sketchbook to a new page, and took a pencil from the box.
The scritch-scratch of lead across paper helped to slow her heart rate, and she drew until her eyelids grew heavy and her lines were no longer precise.
She’d give it to Reese in the morning. A sketch for a bracelet. A bond the years hadn’t broken.
She almost fell asleep slumped against the door, but managed to return the pencil to the box and slide it back under her bed before turning the light off and slipping between the covers.
This was the last moment of peace she’d have for awhile, and she didn’t know how well she would sleep in the coming weeks with Carver so near.
If today was any indication, even his presence was a bane.
She was relieved to awake from a dreamless sleep.
It made it easier to ignore the anxiety spiraling in her stomach.
She dressed carefully, again meticulous in the storage of each weapon.
She braided her hair back, leaving it hanging over her shoulder.
Today was just transportation. She wouldn’t need to have her hair back yet.
Clara joined her class in the mess hall, being cautious to keep her expression neutral. She didn’t want anyone to know just how much she already hated this assignment. She forced a smile when Reese plopped down across from her.
“So?? You were super quiet last night, but you leave today. I want to know everything. Well, everything you’re allowed to tell me.” Reese’s enthusiasm comforted Clara, not everything had changed. Though it felt like her life had been suddenly upstaged, in reality everything was the same.
She shrugged, finishing her bite of food before responding, “I was given an assignment with a spy. We’re heading to enemy territory, but that’s all I can say.”
Reese’s eyes widened, “Oh my gods. A spy? Isn’t that where…” her voice trailed off, her eyes searching Clara’s face for the answer to the question she wouldn’t dare ask.
Clara forced herself to calmly take another bite of food. Her stomach churned, but she willed herself to keep it down. “Yeah.” She admitted.
It didn’t seem possible, but Reese’s eyes widened further. “And is he…” Another question she couldn’t quite bring herself to ask.
“Yeah.”
“Well crap.” The confession stunned Reese into silence, and though it only lasted a few minutes, it was the most silence their table ever had. “Why would Command do that to you? They have to know your history.”
“Maybe it’s another test,” Clara responded, but there was no conviction in her tone. “As if we haven’t proven ourselves enough already.”
“I can’t imagine that’s the reason. It must be because they think individually you’re both the best equipped for this. I’d ask you how you’re feeling about him, but I know you’re not exactly big on talking about feelings. Sooooo maybe I should just change the conversation?”
Clara shrugged, unwilling to share anything that could further the appearance of her weakness. She had become so strong, but him. Him.
Reese hesitated before changing the conversation, and spoke animatedly about the interaction she had with one of the newer guys yesterday. She raised her eyebrows suggestively as she repeated their conversation, and Clara figured this was Reese’s newest conquest.
Reese had the bubbly personality of a cheerleader, combined with a decent amount of brain power and daddy issues.
It was the perfect combination to find a new bed mate in this sector.
Interesting enough to wrap them around her finger, but careless enough to end up in their sheets.
Clara had too much melancholy and darkness hidden in her soul to go that route, but she would be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy hearing Reese’s stories.
All too soon, it was time for her to report.
Reese wrapped her arms around Clara’s waist. She was significantly smaller, and Clara’s head practically rested on top of hers as Clara hugged Reese back.
Clara missed Reese on these trips. Even if most days it seemed she suffered through the endless chatter, it was usually a welcome respite from the constant droning in her own head.
Reese pulled back, fixing Clara with a glare. “Come back alive. Okay? You have to come back alive. You aren’t allowed to die. You hear me?” She pulled a bracelet from her pocket, slipping it over Clara’s wrist.
Clara allowed a small smile to slip out from her mask, “Okay Reese. I promise. I’ll come back alive. And when I’m back, you’ll have to tell me all the progress you’ve made with the new kid. Garrett, right?”
Reese grinned, twirling one of her many braids around her finger. “Yep. Be safe.”
Reese pulled her into one last hug, “Oh, I almost forgot.” Clara handed Reese the folded drawing. Reese grinned, but didn’t open the page. Their tradition. Each exchanging small pieces. The reminder that neither was actually alone.
Clara walked out of the mess hall, heart pounding but footsteps sure.
She stopped by her room to grab her bag, checking her appearance again to make sure everything was in place.
She carefully replaced the book she read last night on the stack, making sure the three were perfectly aligned before she left.
She would never admit it to anyone, but the details helped her stay focused.
Everything had to stay in place. Everything had to stay perfect.
Otherwise her grip on reality might slip.
Slowly at first, and then it all became chaos.
She had developed routines. Tendencies that she hadn’t had before that were now a part of everyday life.
Without conscious thought, her blankets were folded perfectly and the books were aligned.
She just did it and looked around her room, satisfied with the returned order.
She threw her bag over her shoulder and began the trek to command.
Her heart thundered, every beat trying to throw off the breathing rhythm she was determined to keep.
This was what she had wanted. The recognition, the assignments.
This is what she had worked for. The favor, the eventual power.
This was who she was now. The Eclipse. This was just another assignment.
Liar.