Chapter 10 Carver
Carver wished he could have stopped the nightmare before Clara saw it. Not because of his pride, no, he couldn’t care less if she thought he was weak. He didn’t need to earn her affection. From the way she looked at him, he already had too much of it to be a good thing.
He didn’t want her to see an episode because she couldn’t help but care.
Even now, after everything she had been through, her instinct was to care for him.
And that terrified him. It terrified him to wake up from a dream where he watched someone torture her and see her standing over him, eyes wide, trying to help him.
She needed to keep her distance. He needed her to keep her distance.
He couldn’t explain that to her. He couldn’t explain the reasoning behind all of the his choices.
Not without breaking the rules. It was his duty, his highest purpose, to keep her alive.
She was never supposed to end up here: the highest ranked assassin, stuck on a train with him for the riskiest mission he’d ever encountered.
He’d made a deal. They’d assigned her to assassins because she was weak and would be weeded out.
Then she’d be safe. Outside of the war. Back with her mom who had begged him to do something.
But that’s not what happened. Clara proved them all wrong.
He hated her for it, everything he did to keep her safe rendered worthless. But damn. He also loved her for it.
He didn’t miss the note she slipped into her journal. Though curiosity plagued him, he ignored its throb, focusing instead on what she had asked of him.
Carver kept his back straight as they ran through potential plans, careful not to lean into her.
He kept his own contingency in the back of his mind.
He was fully willing to sacrifice himself if it meant getting her out alive.
“I think only one of us should go into the labs. The other one should wait here,” he pointed to a spot between the city and where the labs should be, “To keep guard and be ready for the escape.”
He felt Clara stiffen beside him, “You’re trying to protect me.” It wasn’t a question, and any defense he gave would only make him seem guiltier.
“There’s no need for both of us to go into the lab.” A logical response, but even he could feel its frailty. She weighed this, her blue eyes stormy in the darkening train car.
“No, I think we should both go in. We’ll need each other to get the weapon out. They didn’t tell us how big it is, or how we can conceal it.” He was sure the details he was missing were on his note, but through his insane bout of stubbornness, he was still refusing to view it.
His mind scrambled to think of a rebuttal, but screw it, she was right.
“You know I’m right,” she prodded. Carver inhaled sharply.
“You can just admit it.” Admitting she was right wasn’t the problem.
The problem was he didn’t want to put her in more danger than she had to be in.
And she seemed all too willing to dive into the thick of it.
Was that another thing he had created? Was her reckless impulsivity a product of the hurt he had inflicted?
“We agreed,” her voice was softer now, as if sensing his inner struggle. “The assignment comes first. For the sake of the assignment, we both need to go in. You can’t protect me. Rules of engagement.”
Carver wanted to shake off his frustration, to make a joke about how he was trying to be efficient, or that he would be the one to stay outside.
But every idea he had seemed illogical and revealed too much.
She couldn’t know how much he cared. So instead, he patted the folded set of rules, “It’s a rule for a reason,” was the only response he could generate.
Clara fell silent for a while, and Carver attempted to collect his thoughts and figure out how to keep her safe.
“Is this harder than you expected?” Her words came out as a whisper.
He couldn’t help but feel it was a question asked against her better judgment.
That was a sentiment he understood too well.
“Yeah,” if only you knew how brutally hard this is for me. If only you knew that I want to throw you off this train to keep you safe. I would damn myself to death if I could keep you out of the lab. This was never supposed to happen.
They never should have ended up here. If only she had followed the stupid plan.
The plan he had crafted to keep her safe.
To keep her from ending up here. She should have just stayed weak.
Looking at her now, her raw strength and beauty, he was conflicted.
She was too perfect. In danger, but perfect.
“Command had to have known. So why us?”
“We’re the best. We’ve been trained so intensely we’re past the point of emotions.” Or, they should be past the point of emotions. He wasn’t.
“I mean, I knew it would be hard,” again, her words sounded stilted like the admission was out of her control. “But,” she exhaled, “How the hell did we end up here?”
“That’s not a question we can explore.” He emphasized where the rules were hidden. Something flashed across her eyes. His statement snapped her from her reverie.
“Right.” She pulled the map up into her lap, examining it more closely.
Carver watched as her walls went back up.
Relief flooded his body as her cool composure returned, as she lengthened the distance between them in a single breath.
He also felt disappointed, but that wasn’t fair. They had to follow the rules.
Carver dozed off again at some point, and drifted back from sleep as the train slowed. “Next stop?” He asked. Clara shrugged, barely visible in the mostly dark train car.
The single light in the corner of the train flickered to stay alive. Its hazy glow cast moving shadows across the walls. “Do you think we’re supposed to sleep here? Or get a room wherever we stop?”
He was trying to extend some form of olive branch, keep the communication open enough to protect her, but still professional. All in order to protect her. At least that’s what he told himself.
“I’m sure we can do either.” She stretched, pulling her arms over her head.
Her shirt came untucked just enough to show her abdomen.
He quickly looked away before his mind spiraled down the rabbit trail of other things that could happen to that shirt.
“I, for one, wouldn’t mind sleeping in an actual bed before things get serious. ”
“Fair.”
Once again, the heavy metal slid aside to release them. “The conductor says we’ll stop here overnight. They’re loading cargo first thing in the morning. We’ll head out at 7am sharp.”
“Thank you,” Clara replied. The boy nodded and walked further down the tracks to deal with other cargo.
“Should we find lodging then?”
“You can do whatever you want.” The sharp edge was back in her tone, “I’m finding a room.
” Once again, she left him standing in the car as she walked into the town.
Carver waited a few minutes, taking deep breaths and reining in his thoughts.
He had to be careful. He cared too much, and she could tell.
She asked if it was harder than he expected, and the honest answer was…
So. Much. Harder. She had moved on in her life, becoming strong, powerful, infamous, even.
And he had become a far less version of himself.
A brilliant spy, yes, but weaker in so many ways.
She was the fire that burned in his life, and without her all that remained were ashes.
He dreamed about her every night. Always brutal. Always painful to watch. He’d seen her die more ways than he wished to recount.
He didn’t know exactly what had triggered the nightmares.
They started the week after he broke up with her.
She had taken a piece of his soul he didn’t know was expendable, and left him with the pain of processing every decision.
He knew better than anyone, some decisions haunt you forever.
The ones you can’t unmake are the scariest.