Chapter 29 Clara
The rest of the trip to Noxvalis was miserable. The sun burned hot overhead, and Clara dreaded the sensation of Carver against her skin. She couldn’t get mad at him. He was just playing his role. The doting husband. Far more perfect in this play act than he was capable of in real life.
She had loved dating him, had loved being his.
But even when they had been together, he never acted like this.
Her heart ached; now she knew even when she had him, she never had the best parts of him.
She supposed the fault lay within herself.
He had assured her, over and over, that he truly liked her.
Was truly in love with her. But she had always suspected he wasn’t fully sincere.
It sucked to have her worst fears come true. At least she had been proven right.
Confusion ran rampant in her mind as it bounced between his intentions, her feelings, and the reality of the situation.
He claimed he only wanted to protect her, but she knew he had thought her weak.
Presumably still did. That was the reason he wanted to protect her.
And that wasn’t a very good reason. She was highly capable, and constantly proved that, thank you very much.
Maybe his intentions weren’t all that complicated.
Her feelings though, dang. There were moments when he grabbed her hand or spun her around and everything inside her felt alive again. She felt like the girl she was before. Before they broke up, before she became the monster she felt beneath her skin.
Julia walked with them for a little while, and kept a steady stream of chatter with Clara.
Most of it was about her husband and her three boys, “They’re 9, 12, and 15 now.
It feels like time has just flown. I don’t know what I’ll do when Ezra, that’s the oldest, you know, moves out in a couple years.
I think it might just break me.” Clara resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the emotion in the woman’s voice.
It was sweet, she supposed, that this woman was able to care so much about something so menial–a child leaving for school, or to work a job locally.
She wasn’t losing a child to the war, or being threatened with the extinction of her kingdom. Yet she was far more emotional than Clara would ever be. Instead of voicing this, Clara smiled and said, “I suppose that’s a sentiment I’ll understand better once we have children.”
She felt Carver’s hand tighten over hers, and she was proud she managed to catch him off guard.
He wasn’t the only one capable of brilliant flirtation, regardless of what he said about her people skills.
“In fact,” she pulled herself closer to Carver, tucking herself behind his arm.
She had Julia’s full attention now as she whispered conspiratorially, “We’re hoping that it won’t be long until we have an announcement to make. ”
Julia exclaimed in surprise, “You’re pregnant?
” Clara was shocked that Julia could be so excited for someone that was a stranger to her.
For the first time in a while, Clara felt human again.
She felt less like an assassin, and more like her.
It warmed something inside of her to see the care in Julia’s eyes, even if it was only because of a lie.
“Not yet, but we are going to try now.” She wiggled her eyebrows and Julia burst out laughing.
“Well, have fun in the process.” Julia winked, and Clara could feel the muscles in Carver’s arm tense. She squeezed tighter. “Though, as beautiful as the two of you are, I imagine you are having fun.”
“Oh, absolutely.” Clara gushed, “No one told me that marriage could be this much fun.” She laid it on thick, inwardly gagging at every word she said. But it would be worth it if Carver was uncomfortable.
He chuckled next to her, “Okay, Clara, I think that’s enough.”
“What?” She laughed, “You don’t like me telling people you’re good in bed? I thought that was a marker of admiration.” Carver flushed, and ducked his head.
“And he’s modest too?” Julia inserted, “Wow, you lucked out.”
“I really did,” Clara confirmed, now ready for the conversation to end. She succeeded in making Carver uncomfortable, and now she wanted to back out. As if noticing the change, Julia excused herself to check on the boys, claiming to have heard screams.
“I didn’t appreciate that.” Carver said quietly once they were walking by themselves again.
“No? There’s a lot I don’t appreciate either.” She responded curtly, keeping her eyes on the path ahead.
“That wasn’t part of the act though.”
“Really? I don’t think Julia will ever question whether or not we’re actually married.” She looked at Carver pointedly, “And if Julia doesn’t question it, no one else here will either. Don’t tell me it wasn’t part of the act. You’re just mad I figured out how to play my role so well so quickly.”
“I’m not mad.” His jaw clenched, tight enough she was surprised she couldn’t hear his teeth grind.
“No? You sound pissed.” Her voice stayed light, and she hoped her levity would fuel his anger.
“I’m not. I’m frustrated, but I’m not mad.” His voice remained perfectly calm, not a hint of the anger she was trying to incite.
“Why are you frustrated?” It was a question she knew she shouldn’t ask. A question designed to take the two of them down a non-useful path.
“This role.” He didn’t explain the statement, and Clara let the silence reign between them, debating pressing him or allowing him to expand it on his own.
After what felt like an eternity he continued, “Do you know how much I had thought about…us?”
Clara felt her face heating now, and her stomach twisted painfully as she answered,“There is no ‘us’ Carver.”
“Not now.”
“Not ever. I think this role is playing tricks on you. You’ve made it very clear, very clear, there can’t be an us.”
“I know.” He answered softly. “It frustrates me when you act like that because it makes what we could have had feel too real.”
“That sounds like something you have to get over.” Her tone was harsh, but he needed to understand.
She couldn’t keep running circles around the idea of them.
“You told me to get in character. You told me to be convincing. I have done everything you suggested, and I’ve done it damn well.
You can’t get mad at me for following the instructions you laid out before me.
You think I wanted this? You think I wanted to trek across the country with my ex-boyfriend to save the nation?
Yeah, absolutely not. But here I am. So get your feelings,” she spat the word like a curse, “together Carver, cuz we aren’t failing this mission.
If I’m not allowed to be emotional, you certainly can’t be. ”
He didn’t respond for a long time. Clara refused to apologize or feel bad about what she said.
It was fair. He deserved every word and more.
His decision split them apart, now he didn’t get to play around with the idea of bringing them back together.
It wasn’t an option. No matter how traitorous her heart wanted to be.