Chapter 32 Carver
“You didn’t have to be so rude.” The statement had resounded in his head since Clara’s comments to Marsh. Now that they were shown to their room, the door securely closed behind him, he could call her on it.
Marsh gave them some jerky, and though it wasn’t a meal, sleep suddenly felt more important.
She had led them to the third floor, and their small room felt more like an attic than a bedroom.
The bathroom was just as tiny, but it would suffice.
He could practically feel the energy radiating off Clara as she moved around the room. There would be no personal space here.
It would be fine. As long as they were smart and followed the rules.
Clara sighed heavily. Setting down her bag and stretching out her shoulders before she deigned to respond, “You actually want to get into this.”
“Yeah, I do. You don’t always have to be a bitch.”
She grinned and Carver almost took a step back at the look in her eyes, “You’re right. I don’t have to be a bitch. I get to be.”
She started to unbraid her hair, winding pieces around her fingers.
He stood there, exhaustion setting in, mesmerized by the simple act of her undoing her hair.
He shook off the distraction and brought himself back to the conversation.
“You can be a bitch to me.” He exhaled, forcing himself to keep his tone calm.
He didn’t want to fight. “But you should try to be nicer to other people.”
She stopped messing with her hair, “Why?”
He couldn’t do it anymore. She was infuriating. “Because if you learned to be nicer you might actually have friends! Might actually have a relationship! You might enjoy your life instead of waiting for things to implode all the time.”
“Excuse me?” He should have taken that as a warning. Should have backed off. He knew it, but he didn’t care.
“You made it your mission to make our trip as miserable as possible. Even dancing. Man, Clara. I was having fun. But you had to ruin it. You’re incapable of smiling unless it’s forced for an act.”
Clara crossed her arms over her chest, “Let’s talk about ruining things, shall we?”
“Uh uh,” he shook his finger at her, “The rules.”
“The rules are in shambles, Carver, or have you not noticed? I was happy. Do you get that? I was in love with you. I trusted you. More than anyone in the entire world. Do you understand what it feels like to have an entire future planned, an entire future promised and then have it ripped away? Without an explanation?”
He opened his mouth to rebut her, but she held up a hand and continued, “Of course, I’m not happy.
My hands are perpetually stained with blood.
The only thing I’ve seen in the last three years is the pain I am capable of inflicting.
You don’t get to come in and tell me to be happy.
Everything inside of me is so close to breaking.
If I start to feel anything, most of all happiness, it will destroy every wall I’ve put up to survive.
So excuse me if I’ve become a bit frosty.
I’m only the person you forced me to become. ”
She took a deep breath, but Carver was too stunned by her confession to respond. “Now Marsh was right. I’m completely exhausted. And I don’t want to talk this through. I want to take a shower in the bathroom, and climb into bed for the next six hours. Minimum.”
She pulled a change of clothes out of her bag, and locked herself in the bathroom without another word.
Carver’s heart ached. He heard the water turn on, and did his best not to picture her unclothed as he focused on unpacking the weight of her words.
She was right. He had put them here. It wasn’t intentional, but it was his decisions nonetheless. He couldn’t go back in time and fix them. He would do anything to save her from this pain, but he couldn’t see that the alternative would have been better for her. So what now?
She walked out, rubbing a towel through her hair, dark circles prominent under her eyes. “Take the bed. I’ll crash on the floor.” The best he could offer her without continuing their earlier conversation.
She looked ready to protest but he jumped in, “I still need to shower. Go ahead and crash.”
He didn’t wait to see if she obeyed his order, already locked in the bathroom.
They needed to go back to their rules of engagement, because this was not going well for him.
He couldn’t focus on the assignment. He couldn’t focus on anything.
Anything except how deeply he had failed in the only thing that mattered.
He hadn’t protected her. Not enough, anyway.
He slumped onto the floor, completely drained and overwhelmed.
His pulse thundered in his ears, and his mind felt foggy.
Some part of him had known it would come to this.
The only competition to his devotion for kingdom was his desire to keep her safe.
The only thing able to deter him from keeping her safe was his loyalty to his kingdom.
Would they be at odds with each other?
He didn’t wait for the water to get warm before stepping in and letting the drops parade across his face.
The tiredness hit him like a weight, and he stumbled out of the bathroom, careful not to wake her. Though tempted to crawl in beside her, he instead took two blankets from the chair and laid them on the ground. He was asleep within moments of his head hitting the pillow.
His anxiety faded into the dream world. He was too exhausted to do anything but surrender to the images.