Chapter 42 Carver
Carver did, in fact, leave to find Marsh. He needed to rant. He needed someone else that viewed things the same way he did. He needed the solidarity Clara would never give him. What could he do? What could he offer?
He still believed murder was wrong. That was what this would be.
It would be murder because she was going in and she was taking the lives of people who had never directly harmed them.
Right? Surely, he was right. Killing on a battlefield is different than killing someone in a lab.
He reasoned. But why? If the lab created weapons that will kill us, doesn’t that make the lab a battlefield?
Carver’s head was pounding. All of this was too overwhelming.
So much more than it was supposed to be.
Assignments were supposed to cost something, yes.
Physically, psychologically, emotionally, mentally.
He knew the drill. He knew what Nate said.
This was a final test. Him and Clara, pushed to the brink. Would they break?
They were special operatives. There was a reason most operatives, no matter how good they were, had a limited number of assignments under their belts. There was a reason they were pulled after a certain number. Command didn’t want to deal with a bunch of fully broken soldiers.
But he had been the best. He was still the best. He was able to categorize every assignment into boxes in his mind.
Open them only when necessary for debriefs and move on.
Sure, he had seen terrible things. But he had never hurt anyone, had never killed anyone.
The process of categorization was easier that way.
That’s why they kept sending him. He was able to deal with it all.
Would this be the assignment that broke him?
He could feel the fractures it was already creating within him.
One after the other. They had started slowly.
Seeing her face. When she crashed into him on the train and he held her for a split second.
Defending her when that man was trying to touch her. Each moment a fracture.
He cared way too much to watch the girl he loved become a monster.
Maybe he didn’t get it. Maybe he couldn’t understand what the past three years as a Viper had molded her into.
Maybe she had killed people already, like she claimed.
But he couldn’t prove that. He hadn’t seen her kill anyone.
In his mind, she was still the same innocent girl he loved. She was just so much stronger.
And yet, he knew she had become someone different.
He saw how she treated people. She didn’t care about anyone else’s emotions.
Her sympathy for the creatures was the only time he truly believed she cared about anything.
Outside of that event, her guard was always up.
She was always waiting for the next punch to hit. What a terrible way to live.
He walked into the bookstore, hoping Marsh would be closing soon. She had closed early every day, using the festival as the excuse. She was flipping the sign to “closed” and locking the door as he walked in.
“You look exhausted.” She said, but there was no malice in the words.
“Yeah.” His voice came out gruff and he cleared his throat.
“There’s a chair behind the counter, sit. I’ll finish locking up and we can talk.”
He nodded. He sat in the chair, pulling it close enough to the counter he could lean his head in his hands. It hadn’t even been a week but he felt like he had aged years.
He heard her light footsteps coming his way, but didn’t look up. Her hands found his shoulders and she began massaging the tension away. He almost groaned with how good it felt. He leaned back into her touch.
“Everything okay?” She asked.
He didn’t know how to respond. “Clara is an assassin.”
She paused her massage, “Yes?”
“Like, I knew that. She told me she had killed people.”
“But now you’re surprised that her plan is to go in, guns blazing?”
He exhaled loudly. “When you say it like that I feel a little stupid. But yeah. I don’t know. I felt like she would have more qualms about murdering someone.”
“Is it murder though? And Carver, why are you surprised? That sounds like naivete on your part.”
He almost interjected, but she resumed her massage as she kept talking, “Do you have qualms about doing your job? That is all she is doing. The job she has been trained to do. It wouldn’t be different for you if you had ended up an assassin.
You would go in and do your job. Don’t blame her for doing the same. ”
“It’s frustrating that you’re siding with her.”
She smacked his cheek lightly, and he smiled. “I’m not siding with anyone. I’m trying to knock some sense into your stupid head. You both care about each other so much, and you can’t admit it. It’s annoying.”
He stood up, and she dropped her hands down to her sides. “It’s more complicated than that.”
“Really.” She deadpanned. “Don’t tell me about complicated.
Do you know how much I want to find someone?
But I can’t. Because if I end up in a relationship with anyone here, I will spend the rest of my life lying to him.
” She bit her lip, and then stepped closer to him, placing her hands on his shoulders.
When he didn’t pull away, she lifted one to stroke the side of his face.
“That’s why I couldn’t help being attracted to you when you got here.
Even knowing there is no possibility for long term.
Sometimes being seen by someone for even a moment is worth whatever it costs when it’s over. ”
She stood there, hands laced behind his neck, waiting. She was beautiful. Gorgeous even. He didn’t pull away, and after a moment she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. Hesitantly, waiting to see how he would respond. That was all it took for him.
He gave her a hug, and then stepped back. “I’m sorry, Marsh. I can’t do this. Not even for a moment.”
She nodded, “Now you understand why it’s annoying.”
He smiled awkwardly, hand coming up to the back of his neck, not knowing where to go from here. “My advice?” She said, recovering quickly, “Tell her that you care. At least tell her that. Don’t live the rest of your life wondering what if.”
“I just want to protect her.”
“That’s not your job.”
“Of course, it’s my job!” He protested.
“No, Carver. Your job is to tell her the truth. Be honest with her. She’s a hell of a lot stronger and more capable than you seem to believe her to be.”
He tried to smile at her, “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“That I’m not the man you were hoping I would be for you.”
She shrugged delicately, and there was a part of him that could see how better suited they would be.
A woman he could protect instead of a warrior that stood by his side.
But how long until he charged into battle and would be overwhelmed with fear for her safety?
How long until he too would need a warrior by his side watching his back?
Marsh was absolutely right. Clara had become that warrior whether he liked it or not.
His heart pounded as he walked up the steps to their room. He rehearsed the words over and over in his head, but couldn’t quite land on the right ones. I’m sorry? I know I didn’t trust you but I want to make things better now? I love you?
None of those felt right, but as they neared the time to complete their assignment, he knew he had to say something.
“Clara, I’ve been a jackass,” she would like that, “I’m so sorry that I didn’t trust you.
I’m so sorry I didn’t believe how strong you have become.
I’m in love with you. I always was, and always will be.
I want nothing more than to go back and change my decisions.
I was trying to protect you, but I see now that more than protecting you I should have been supporting you.
I hope you will give me the chance to make that better now.
” He stood outside the door, whispering under his breath.
Yeah. That wasn’t too bad. He could say that. She might even respond amiably.
“Okay, you can do this.”
He pushed open the door, ready to confess. But the room was empty. His heart plummeted. “Clara?” He called out, but there was no response.