Chapter 24
Chapter
Twenty-Four
FRANKIE
W e slipped away from the open pool area and into the hedge garden beyond.
The noise from the party faded to a dull throb behind us.
Here, with the string lights casting soft shadows as the sun continued its descent.
The hot breath of the air decried any cooling temperatures.
Still, the low hum of cicadas filled the silence.
Rachel had downed the rest of my wine and left that glass behind.
A sip of the water turned into a much longer drink for me.
She was right, I needed it. While I had to fight the urge to gulp it down, I did press the ice-cold glass against my face.
We wandered through the hedges to a stone bench where Rachel took a seat, leaned back on her hands and stared at me.
She wore a look you only get from someone who knew all of your secrets and wasn’t impressed by any of them. Not that I had secrets . “So,” she said, her voice as dry as ever. “You want to tell me what the hell you’re doing?”
“What do you mean?” I blinked.
“Nope,” she said, rolling her eyes. “You’re not dumb, Frankie.
Blind? Sometimes. Oblivious? Way too damn often, but you can’t walk into this party wearing a bikini that Aphrodite would envy and in Archie’s favorite color, dragging French Vogue’s wet dream with you, then play shocked when the guys are two seconds from solving their issues with a fist fight. ”
The judgment landed like a slap. “I didn’t drag him.” Defensiveness was my first instinct. “I didn’t even want to come, but he asked me to, to be his date.”
“And you said yes.” Rachel tilted her head. “To this . You’ve been emotionally entangled with four human hurricanes who would happily kill for you and have beaten the shit out of others on your behalf.”
Embarrassment went out the window. “I never asked for that. I would never.” Hell, I hadn’t even known how often they’d chased off others. “Something, I think you damn well know. Because you were the one who told me.”
“I did tell you. I told you because you deserved to know. So, while you may not have known then , you do know now.”
I stared down at my drink. Guilt soured the water. “It’s just a party.”
“Frankie,” Rachel said my name on a gust of a sigh so deep that I almost wanted to apologize for frustrating her. “It’s never just a party when feelings are involved. Especially not that many feelings.”
I hated how that landed, because she wasn’t wrong. Tears burned in the back of my eyes, but I blinked furiously to keep them in check. Then I downed more water.
“Look,” Rachel said, shifting forward and patting the bench next to her.
“I’m not judging you for moving on or for dating the hot French guy.
Really, I’d buy the guy a drink myself and toast him for getting through those blinders of yours if I weren’t worried Archie would slip cyanide into both of our drinks. ”
I frowned at the description, but Rachel’s bland delivery made it hard to argue. Needing a break, I sat next to her. The stone was still warm from the sun, almost too warm but the sarong helped.
“Here’s the thing,” Rachel continued, and her voice softened, almost gentled like she was comforting me. “You didn’t just move on. You detonated a landmine, then walked away like it wasn’t going to blow everything up behind you.”
I winced. “I didn’t—” I sighed. “I was mad.” Was? “Correction, I’m still mad.”
“I know,” she said, looping an arm over my shoulders. “You have every right to be pissed at them.”
“Then why are you defending them?” I slanted a look at her.
“Oh, honey, I am not defending them. They are big boys with big balls, or so they act. They can take the kicks to the crotch they earned.” She snorted a half-laugh. “Before you think I’m blaming you for picking someone else, I’m not doing that either.”
“No?” I wasn’t so sure about that.
“No,” she said firmly. “Are they crazy about you? Yes . Did they date other people even while they were hung up on you? Also a yes.”
That stung. That really stung.
“They aren’t virgins, Frankie. They aren’t innocent in any of this.”
The fury in Jake’s eyes coupled with the hurt flashed through my mind. “Jake’s really mad at me because I had sex with Mathieu.”
“No, he’s not,” Rachel said easily. At my askance look, she gave my shoulders a squeeze. “He’s mad that you didn’t have sex with him. That you looked to someone else.”
“I didn’t?—”
“You did,” she corrected. “There’s nothing wrong with that. He did.”
Grimacing, I stared at the glass then downed the rest of the water. I kind of wished it was alcohol. “Why is it okay for them and not for me?”
“I never said it was okay for them.” Rachel eyed me for a long moment, then she sighed. “Frankie, I think they’re fucking idiots. They’re crazy about you but couldn’t figure out how to tell you. I almost feel sorry for them though because I get how that feels.”
“Rach…”
“Ahh,” she said, letting go of my shoulders to press a finger to my lips. “Don’t go feeling sorry for me. I wasn’t sure if you were into girls or not. You’re not. That’s fine. And you’re really lucky, I’m an excellent friend.”
“Even when you’re a pain in the ass.” I could admit that and Rachel’s sudden smile almost made me laugh.
“Thank you.” Like it was a compliment, but she was probably right about that too.
Then she sobered. “You can be excused for missing all the signs before now, but… This is the big one, you can’t pretend you don’t know.
Being surprised that they don’t want to be extras in your new rom-com, that’s kind of dense. ”
“That’s not fair.”
“Nope.” She agreed way too easily. “Life isn’t fair. I’m also not wrong.”
The silence stretched out between us. Thick. Heavy. The weight of it threatened to crush me.
“You love them,” Rachel said in a whisper. “All of them. You love them so much it hurts you.”
I bit my lip.
“That’s not the problem,” she said, pressing onwards.
“Then what is?”
“You don’t love yourself enough to believe you deserve any of them.”
I looked up. Her gaze met mine, steady and unblinking.
“You keep making choices based on how little you think you matter,” she said quietly.
“I didn’t even think they cared that way.” I’d always known they cared. They were my best friends which was what made all of this hurt so damn much.
“Of course you didn’t. One, you’re kind of oblivious. I adore you, but you really are. And two, at the risk of repeating myself, you don’t think you deserve to feel that way. To feel like someone else believes you matter.”
Those words lingered like a bad scrape, stinging where they ripped me open. I wanted to argue that it wasn’t true, but the words all died unspoken.
“Mathieu makes you feel safe.” Rachel said with another sigh, then wrapped her arm around my shoulders again. “That’s not nothing. I’m glad he does. But with the guys? You’d have to admit you’re worth breaking rules for. Worth staying for. Worth the fallout.”
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes before I could stop them. Of course she saw it. Of course she would say the thing I couldn’t.
“I didn’t mean to hurt them,” I said, voice small. Even when I wanted to punch them, I didn’t want them to feel like nothing.
To feel like I had.
“I know,” she said. “But you still are. And until you figure out why you’re so scared to be chosen—truly, unapologetically chosen—this is going to keep happening.”
A long beat passed, and I sighed. She didn’t ask me to do it, but I leaned my head against her shoulder and closed my eyes for a moment. Just leaned on the strength she offered. When she pressed a kiss to the top of my head, I felt small, but also… cared for.
“Okay, take another breath. Then we go back out there and pretend we’re normal. Tomorrow? You start figuring out which life you actually want—then we make sure you get it.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“I like having a plan.” Another light kiss to the top of my head and a squeeze of my shoulders. I sat up straighter and met her gaze. “Also,” she added, dry as the desert, “if you’re going to be the center of a love pentagon, at least own it. Don’t half-ass your scandal.”
A laugh burst out of me even as fresh tears slipped down my cheeks. “God, you’re terrifying.”
“I’m honest. People confuse the two.”
She wasn’t wrong.
We stayed there for a moment longer. The truth wasn’t going anywhere and Rachel let me wipe away my tears and put myself back together without any rush. I had a feeling, she’d sit there all night if I needed it.
I had no idea what I’d done to deserve a friend like…
What I deserved.
“I like that you’re honest,” I admitted, because Rachel was right. I didn’t think I deserved to be chosen and she’d chosen me anyway. “I like that you’re my friend, too.”
“Me too,” she said. “But don’t go telling everyone. I’m a bitch and I like my reputation.”
Another smile escaped me. “Pretty sure that’s safe.”
“Probably,” she agreed. “Also—” She bumped my shoulder. “You’re welcome.”
I couldn’t help it, I laughed.