25. Lennie
Lennie
I arrive to an empty apartment, Elijah having left after I did. Albert wags his tail in greeting. I take him out, feed him dinner, and then change into one of Elijah’s large T-shirts.
It’s late when he gets in. I know he knows already. Leave it to my dad to text something to Lev.
He quietly comes in, shucking off his clothes. He’s gentle when he climbs under the covers and pulls my back into his chest. I hold onto the hand that’s wrapped around my waist and that’s how we fall asleep.
In the morning I get a text from Adeline.
Adeline: What in the World War III did you just kick off?
She quickly sends a follow-up.
Adeline: Call me if you need me, sissy. I LOVE YOU!
“Are we talking about it or are we not talking about it?” Elijah asks while pouring me a cup of coffee.
“There’s nothing to say.” I hold the cup in my hands, seeking the warmth.
He lifts his scalding coffee, sipping it while raising one brow.
I defend coming back to his place. “We need space. I didn’t run away.”
That part he agrees with. “You came home.”
I hold my coffee closer. I’m not agreeing with anything, but a thrill runs down my spine.
“Mom will calm down,” I say into my mug.
He rounds the counter, kissing the top of my head as he sits on a barstool. “You don’t have to be the positive one.”
My anxiety often makes me into a negative nelly, so I’m surprised by his statement. “What should I be then?”
“I’d begin with admitting that your mother is throwing a hissy fit.”
I watch steam swirl from the mug. Guess I won’t be expecting Elijah to try to forge a bridge with Mom anytime soon.
“You’re the daughter she could always control.” He rushes to finish when I open my mouth. “Natalie and Adeline told her to get a life a long time ago. She’s mistaking your loyalty for approval of her actions.”
“God, you sound like a therapist.”
“She’s never had to change because you let her do as she please.”
“She’s my mom.”
“That doesn’t mean she makes decisions for you. She’s the one who taught you to always style your hair down and you did it. She buys you clothes and you wear them so long as she lets you keep your sneakers. She recommended a university, you went there. You never complained about your guard.”
“It’s not all bad,” I note. “She buys outfits she knows I’ll like. She wanted me to go off to university.”
“So long as it was in the state.”
“We can’t all go to Oxford,” I reply dryly.
“Protection and controlling are a fine line.”
Funny, coming from him. Most people say he walks that line.
“You put Ivan on me.”
He rubs the back of my neck, his thumb stroking soothing circles. “Because you told me you went on a date with a psychopath. And don’t think I didn’t notice how you didn’t tell your mother about him.”
“There was a lot going on,” I say as I gulp down coffee.
“You don’t want to upset your mom. You don’t want her to worry. You also don’t want her to think you can’t handle things. It’s always about how other’s think and feel.”
“I care about how you feel.” I lean into his comforting hand.
“Except all those years you didn’t talk to me.”
My coffee hovers in front of me. We never talk much about the past. He kisses my scar, but we never talk about the injury despite how much it’s affected our lives. And our friendship after.
“You were off to Oxford before I even got to high school,” I say.
“I came back, Leonora. I could barely get you to talk to me.”
There’s a hint of something in his voice that I can’t place.
Everything’s a jumbled-up mess and I can’t help but think we’re trying to untangle something that ultimately doesn’t change anything.
I love Elijah.
Now and probably back then.
His eyes used to follow me when we were in the same space. Maybe his feelings aren’t as strong as mine, but they’ve certainly been there. I know it all the way down to my toes.
I wrap my hand around him, squeezing tight. “But think about all the bookish thoughts I share with you now.”
He smiles, placing a kiss on my nose. The buzzer sounds from below and he gets up to check.
“Natalie’s up early this morning.”
“What the—” I rise from the barstool, going off to find a pair of sweats. I’ve learned my lesson. . . possibly.
When I come out of the bedroom, Nat’s standing in the living room with her arms crossed over her chest.
Elijah heads to the bedroom, stopping to place another kiss on my lips. Nat makes a face, clearly not impressed with my taste in men either.
Or maybe it’s just an obligatory roll of the eyes since she’s the big sister after all.
She waits for Elijah to close the bedroom door before she opens her mouth. “Really?”
I try to ignore the sting and the way Nat is so clearly unimpressed. Her dark hair accentuates her pale, tired face where grayish bags line her lower lashes.
“You didn’t have to come out here.” I didn’t force her to get up this early on a Sunday.
“Do you know how many phone calls I’ve fielded from Mom?” she replies.
I haven’t fielded any. Not a call or a text. Just silence. It’s only been about fourteen hours but I feel it sharply.
“You don’t have to get in the middle.” It’s not her job to play mediator.
She lets out a weary sigh. “I’m not here to be in the middle. You two need to work it out, but I want to tell you something that might help you understand why she’s so damn protective all the time. Can we sit down?”
She lumbers over to the couch before I answer and I catch myself before offering her coffee she can’t drink.
“You know Mom’s always freaked out about us having guards because of the kidnapping.” Nat tucks the pillows around her how she likes, hugging one to her stomach that’s starting to get a cute little bump.
“Of course I know.” It’s why it’s so hard not to push back against the security.
“Well, there’s something else. Something she never wanted to tell us.” At my wrinkled nose, she explains. “I heard people gossiping so I confronted her about it. Look, don’t get squeamish on me.”
“What is it?” I ask. Mom never talks about the three days in captivity. They tortured her, yes, but it’s only ever discussed in generic tones. My heart beats harder, the muscles straining as I stare at Nat who nods.
“Yeah, they sexually assaulted her,” Nat confirms. She’s matter of fact, her face plain. Like it’s a detail she’s gone over a hundred times. How long has she kept this to herself?
I play with a stray thread on the edge of a pillow, holding it tight. Nat doesn’t give explicit details but it’s safe to assume this wasn’t groping or a pinch on the ass.
Someone raped Mom. And she’s lived with that pain her whole life.
I’m frozen as I examine the knowledge.
This confirms what some people occasionally imply or wonder about. But unmasking the truth is never an easy affair.
“It’s not just that.” Nat takes my hand. “Mom’s strong, but. . .” It’s one of the rare times I see my sister hesitate. “She was pregnant with me when it happened.”
For a second the whole world stops as I comprehend what Nat’s saying.
“Oh.” I toy with the thread, wrapping it tightly around my finger. “Oh.”
Nat rubs my shoulder. “When I was in high school, I overheard some Russian assholes that were in town to meet Dad and Lev. They were making it seem like I wasn’t Boris’s daughter.”
I startle, my body jerking.
Nat keeps rubbing my shoulder, smiling through the pain. “I was livid at the idea that Dad was hiding my lineage from some asshole. So I confronted Mom. Looking back, I hate how I did it, but my teenage self really wasn’t equipped to have such an emotional conversation.”
“What happened?”
“Mom got super upset. I think it wasn’t so much that I asked, but that people were gossiping.
She explained to me that she’d been assaulted, that it was brutal, though, she didn’t give details.
And when I kept asking her if I was the result she got even sadder.
She told me she was about six weeks along.
She didn’t know at the time and she said she was actually glad she didn’t.
That if she’d been aware, that she knew her baby might end up hurt, she might not have been able to survive at the time. ”
“No wonder Dad and Lev come down so hard on people who gossip.” When we were younger, whispers would float around. Now people know to keep their mouths shut.
And no wonder Mom loves Russet so much. Marissa got what she fucking deserved.
Nat moves a strand of hair off my face. “I think in her mind she can’t distinguish between who got hurt.
She was raped, but it’s like she’s afraid that pain transferred over to me.
That she harmed me somehow. It’s not her fault, and I don’t think of it like that.
But I can see it now. . . how it kills her. ”
The security teams are her way of trying to ensure it never happens to us, but also as a way to undo the idea that she put Nat at risk.
“How did you get out of taking the guards when you were younger?” I ask. She started dating Lia in high school and refused to let them chaperone their dates.
“Talking to her,” Nat says. “That sounds simple, but I chipped away at her and texted her more to let her know my locations. And sometimes, I’d pick spots that were nearby because I knew she’d do a drive by anyway.”
We smile at the ridiculousness. That’s Mom and her lack of boundaries, though.
Nat empathized with her and tried to meet in the middle.
“Our argument isn’t all about guards, though,” I sigh.
It’s about Elijah and how she hates him.
“She needs therapy,” Nat says easily. “Your accident, different as it was, triggered her. And I know it’s not fair, but I think seeing your scar reminds her of her failure as a parent.”
I’ve never once thought about what my scar represents to other people. I was one of two people affected, more if you think about how the discord spread through the Akatov and Zimin families. And I never considered Mom as a failure of a parent.
“I know I didn’t handle things perfectly,” I say. “But I don’t know how to explain to her that hating on Elijah isn’t the right thing to do.”
Nat doesn’t come up with an answer right away. “Let the idea settle. Then when the time is right, remind her how much Yelena hates Elijah too and I guarantee that will help.”
It’s not the right time to giggle, but my shoulders relax slightly.
Nat runs her finger through another strand of hair, and I lean into the sensation. She’ll make a great mother.
“But you know—”her tone is serious—“you don’t have to stay here.”
“It wasn’t a knee jerk reaction,” I try to explain.
“It was,” she calls me out. “I get wanting space from Mom, but all I’m saying is you can crash at my place. Whenever and however long.”
I point at her belly. She’s got months until her due date, but now’s not the time to be offering her sibling an indefinite stay.
She smiles cheekily. “Rent paid in nannying seems like a good deal.”
Okay, she’s got me there.
Nat returns to her tender tone. “I’m just saying, and this isn’t meant to get in between the star crossed lovers, but a lot of big things are happening in your life. And moving in with a boy after a couple of months of dating is risky no matter what.”
“Fair point.”
She smiles knowingly. “Just know the offer’s there.”
I nod. “Thanks, Nat. I’m sorry this is affecting you too.”
She waves me off. “Honestly, it’s great. I bet you ten bucks when Lia and Peter and I explain we’re having a baby, no one will care because the idea that Elijah Zimin tied himself to a girl, will have the whole world talking.”
“I mean, it shouldn’t be that strange. . .”
She side-eyes me, laughing. “It’s Elijah.”
Damn, Nat and all her fair points this morning.
She scoots herself off the couch and I help her up.
“You really didn’t have to come all the way down here,” I say as I walk her to the door.
“And miss the chance to advise my baby sister during one of the most pinnacle moments in her life?”
That’s a bit dramatic, but maybe she’s surprised like Dad that it’s me fighting with Mom and not Adeline.
“I love you,” she says, holding me tight for a moment.
I open the door for her but she spins on her heel and lifts a finger in the air. “Actually, is that banana nut muffins I smell?”
Sunday goes quickly. We stay in most of the day. Elijah feeds me and I read on the couch with Albert.
Tomorrow I’ll get up and go to work. I’ve done it before, but starting the week off at Elijah’s is different. It reinforces the idea I’m making this my home base, instead of my parent’s house.
That night, Elijah holds me against his chest, his hands wrapping around me tight. I snuggle into him as he places a kiss to my throat.
Light from outside casts silver rays throughout the room. I blink into the dark, tired but unable to fall asleep.
Rolling, I face Elijah, who plucks a piece of hair out of my face.
“You used to stare at me all the time,” I whisper. He still does. I’ll look up from my book and blush at how he blatantly watches me.
He nods.
“And when you went away to Oxford you sent me a postcard.” I thought he wanted to annoy my mom.
“I didn’t want you to forget about me.”
“Elijah,” I say softly. “I want you to know this isn’t just a fling.”
He says nothing, his gray eyes silver in the dim light. He twirls a piece of my hair, the movement gentle.
Nat and Ads are kind enough not to say don’t go head over heels. But they’re watching me with cautious eyes. Dad too. And Mom well. . .
Elijah is my first boyfriend, my first everything.
The talk, the gossip. I’m the girl throwing her family away for a boy.
But that’s not it. That’s never been it.
“I just wanted you to know.” I roll back, snuggling against him.
His voice is sleepy, his fingers lazily tracing my back. “Do you love me, Leonora?”
“We should get a cat.” Albert’s chill enough that he’d get along with a kitten sibling.
He breathes heavily, and I hear the smug smirk in his tone. “We can get one in every color, the minute you admit you’re in love with me.”