Sam
I stared at her from outside the window, trying to tell myself that it was wrong to go inside.
But after the day I had, watching the Parkers lose their shit when they found out Clara had been poisoned by the tea she got from Josie’s shop, I wanted something innocent. Something normal.
And there was no better place to get that than from the woman currently sitting in her living room, watching yet another Christmas movie. I knew it was wrong to go inside. She deserved more than a man who came and went as he pleased, but the pull to her was too strong.
She didn’t even flinch when the door opened and I strode through.
Sighing, I locked the door behind me. “You know, you could at least pretend to be scared when your door opens in the middle of the night.”
She glanced at me from her spot on the couch, shifting the blanket and patting the seat beside her. “I would if there was even the slightest possibility someone other than you was breaking into my house.”
I wanted to correct her and tell her about my concerns with Austin. How she might be on his shit list just because of her connection to Jeff, but I didn’t want to scare her either.
So, instead, I strode over to the couch, chuckling when I saw the Santa pajamas she was wearing.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.”
Pausing the movie, she turned to me with a scowl. “Seriously. What’s so funny?”
“You’re an adult and you’re wearing Santa pajamas.”
“So?”
“So…nothing.”
Shifting on the couch to face me, she unbuttoned the top of her nightshirt. “Would it be sexier if I did this?”
Her fingers began to undo all the buttons on the shirt until her chest was exposed to me, leaving only her nipples covered. I was instantly hard and ready to take her right here and now.
But as soon as I moved, she smirked at me and pulled the shirt closed.
“Uh…what’s going on?” I asked in confusion.
“Oh, nothing. Just not in the mood tonight.”
“Because…”
“Does it really matter?”
“Yes. You can’t tease a man like that.”
“Oh, you mean like when you come over here and lay in my bed, but have no intention of actually having a relationship with me?”
“That’s not the same at all.”
“Isn’t it?” she asked, her eyebrow quirking in challenge. “Because the way I see it, if you don’t want this to go any further than fucking, you really shouldn’t stick around after sex. Or hang out with me beforehand.”
That didn’t make sense at all. She knew why I was here. “I have no place else to go.”
“You have a sister. I’m pretty sure she’d allow you to stay with her.”
“She has a kid!”
“And then there’s Jeff. Something is definitely going on there.” She cocked her head to the side in thought. “You know, I assumed it was all a ruse.”
“What was?”
“The photograph of you and him in the mobile house. I mean, clearly it was taken out of context, but now that he’s offering to live with you, it does make me wonder.”
Wonder? She was wondering about me? About my sexual orientation? All because of a photograph?
“Look, that photograph was nothing more than Declan trying to mess with me. And as for Jeff’s offer, I never had any intention of staying with him. I’m not gay!”
Chuckling, she snuggled further into the couch. “You sound awfully upset about the accusation. Maybe there’s some truth to the rumors.”
“Rumors? There are no rumors. There can’t be because I’m not gay!”
But did she believe me? Nope, she just laughed and pressed play on her movie. Snatching the remote out of her hands, I paused the movie again.
“You know I’m not gay. There’s no possible way.”
“I never said you were.”
“You said maybe there was some truth to the rumors!”
“Well, I can say it all I want. However, considering what usually happens between us, I don’t actually believe any of it.”
My jaw dropped as I stared at her in confusion. “If you don’t believe any of it, then why the hell are you talking about this shit?”
She sat up, all the humor gone from her face. “Call it payback.”
“For what?”
“For showing up here all the time. For giving me what I want, and then taking it all away. For making it impossible to say no to you.”
“If it were impossible for you to say no, I would have you on your back right now, and my cock would be thrusting hard and deep inside that pussy.”
I didn’t even recognize my own voice as the words left my lips. I was desperate for her, and not being able to touch her was getting on my last nerve. How the hell was I supposed to survive the night if she kept herself at a distance?
“I’ll make a deal with you,” she said after a very strenuous thirty seconds. “I’ll allow you the pleasure of sleeping with me on one condition.”
I would have rejected the offer and walked out of the house, except that I really wanted to sleep with her.
“And what’s that?”
“You have to watch a movie with me.”
That didn’t sound so terrible, but I didn’t do ultimatums. “So, if I don’t watch this movie with you, I can’t sleep with you?”
“Precisely,” she said triumphantly.
“And why do you look so sure that I’m going to say yes?”
Her fingers very slowly slid along the buttons of her shirt before she pulled it aside just enough for me to catch a glimpse of the tight bud protruding from her breast.
“Because I know you need me just as desperately as I need you. But I can’t keep allowing you into my bed without getting something in return.”
I swallowed hard, still staring at that nipple, imagining dragging it into my mouth as I slid my fingers in and out of her wet pussy. “I give you orgasms,” I choked out.
“I can give myself orgasms, and while it may not be as satisfying, I’m willing to suffer if it’s because you can’t give me this one little thing.”
Like I said, I didn’t do ultimatums, but I was here because of Austin. Not because I needed to have sex with her. That was just a bonus.
That’s what I told myself as I agreed to her stipulations.
Staying for the movie was just one more way for me to keep an eye on her, and if I got to have sex when it was all over, then that just made this all the more worth it.
I realized two things at that moment.
One, I was willing to tell myself anything to get into this woman’s pants.
And two…this might not be just about sex.
I came back the next night, and the night after. It was impossible to stay away. Lying to myself wasn’t even working anymore.
I wanted to be here, needed to be by her side and know she was safe. And it wasn’t because of Austin.
I was falling for her.
Not in love. That was just ridiculous. But I was definitely falling for her charms, coming to the point where spending time with her was just as enjoyable as fucking her.
Not that I could utter a word of that.
Ideas would blossom in her head. Thoughts of weddings and rings would appear in a bubble above her head, along with her favorite songs to dance to at receptions.
No, even admitting that hanging out with her was pretty cool was tantamount to a death sentence. Whatever this was would be over, and my fuck buddy would never speak to me again after I told her for the four hundredth time that I never wanted to have a relationship.
“Do you think all people feel that happy around Christmas?” she asked, tossing popcorn in her mouth.
“You already know the answer to that.” I snatched some popcorn from her bucket, ignoring the way she scowled at me.
“Not you. Like, actual humans.”
“Since when am I not a human?”
“Since you don’t like Christmas.”
“By your question, that would mean that everyone who didn’t like Christmas wouldn’t be human.”
“But you’re all screwed up in the head.”
“And how do you figure that?”
“Because of what happened with your mom.”
I had completely forgotten that I’d told her about that, mostly because she was so miserable, I just assumed she’d block it out.
“Nice,” I muttered.
“What?”
“So, I’m not human because I watched my mom die when I was a kid?”
“No, but you’re definitely damaged because of it.”
Damaged. What was with all these labels? Why was I being accused of these things when it was pretty damn obvious to anyone around that the only reason I didn’t have relationships was because of my job?
“The topic of my mother is off-limits.”
“Just like the rest of your life,” she said, not even bothering to lower her voice. Nope, the whole thing was just laid out there, like she didn’t have any concern about me walking out the door if she said the wrong thing.
I’d made her too comfortable.
“And that’s my cue to leave.”
“Yep. That seems about right.”
I was just getting up when the words left her lips. Turning on my heel, I glowered at her. “And what the hell does that mean?”
Setting her bowl down, she finally had the decency to grace me with her gaze. “It’s exactly what it means. We’re talking about something that’s not superficial, and not sex, and that’s it for you. You’re out the door because you can’t carry on a conversation with any meaning.”
“Where the hell is this coming from? I didn’t come here to get berated by you.”
“No, you just came to have sex.”
“You set the rules,” I reminded her. “You’re the one who said I had to watch a movie. So I’m here, watching the damn movie.”
“And unable to have a conversation,” she added. “Look, it’s not a big deal. I’m just making an observation.”
“An unnecessary observation.”
She cocked her head at me, which only pissed me off. “How so?”
“Listen,” I ground out, clenching my fists as anger washed over me. “I didn’t come here so you could criticize me.”
“Then by all means, leave.”
“So, that’s how it is,” I huffed.
“Sam, you’re the one who can’t sit down and talk with me. Frankly, I think it’s ridiculous that I even have to point out that a conversation wouldn’t be completely unwarranted. It is pretty normal to talk to the person you’re screwing.”
I hesitated to point out that talking was normal in a relationship, but in ours, there were no precursors to sex. Other than the movie.
“Look, it’s fine. I get it. You don’t want to talk about the simplest things. You’re probably pissed that I even know about your mother. Fine. We won’t talk about her.” She quirked an eyebrow at me. “So, what topics aren’t off the table?”
I scrambled for something to say, anything that would allow me to stay here instead of going back to Jeff’s house for the night. I was getting comfortable here, and I didn’t really want to leave. But the longer I stood there, I didn’t even know where to begin.
“Well, how about you think it over and let me know when you’ve thought of a safe topic.”
She leaned back into the couch and focused on the movie once again. I didn’t know what to do. Was I supposed to leave? Should I kiss her goodbye? Were words even necessary?
“That would be your cue to walk out the door,” she said, not even bothering to look at me.
I did as she said, letting myself out, but as I stood on her doorstep, I just couldn’t bring myself to leave.
Would it really be so fucking awful to have a conversation with her?
There had to be something safe that wouldn’t bring my anger out.
But somehow, I didn’t think she’d want to talk about any of that.
Sighing, I shoved the door open and stepped back inside.
This time, she looked at me, waiting for me to speak.
I stood there, my fingers rubbing against each other as I tried to form the words. I wasn’t good with this, and it showed in every way.
“No, I don’t like holidays because of what happened to my mom. I avoid them because…because I always remember that day. I see her falling to the floor, and I remember being that kid, terrified as my mom died. And I did nothing to help her.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered anyway,” she whispered.
“Doesn’t change the fact that— She’s still dead.”
“I know.”
Her words, kind and soft, like she understood the demons in my mind despite never having seen them. It didn’t change anything, but I no longer wanted to flee. She knew, and I didn’t have to hide who I was or how I felt.
When she held out her hand to me, I walked over and took a seat beside her, stealing the bowl of popcorn. She didn’t ask me anything else the rest of the night, and when we went to bed, I fucked her hard and pretended once again that I wasn’t falling for her.