Chapter 43
Chapter Forty-three
ISAIAH
The deep creases in Monty’s furrowed brow when I escort Dillon out ask questions I’m unable to answer. My addled brain can scarcely register he’s pulled a seat into the hallway and stayed out there for hours.
I turn, sluggish and spent, ignoring the pity in my security guy’s eyes, and let Monty shut the door. It’s part of his job.
I don’t like that Dillon has me rethinking my friendships with my employees, but I feel bamboozled. I’m not sure what to believe anymore.
Dillon’s broken bread at my table. Indulged in Cassidy’s hospitality toward the entire road crew, and taken advantage of how much she enjoys cooking for whomever steps upon the bus.
I allowed Dillon access to the intricacies of our life. Kylie always said he was a great driver. And he is.
But no wonder my wife sung his praises.
He’s also the biological father of a little girl Kylie left me on my own to raise. A child I’ve come to think of as mine, whose hand I wanted to hold since the Cavanaughs showed me what family was all about.
Good god, when I’ve thought about Cassidy’s and my wedding day, I’ve pondered what it’s like to be old and gray and walk the bride down the aisle. What pointless musings. Aria has a father. Dillon will do the honors.
In the next twenty years, he’ll be the man she relies on to patch up her scraped knees and she’ll call him daddy.
Not me.
It wasn’t ever supposed to be you.
Except, I’ve grown attached and the truth has carved a hollow spot where my heart was.
I don’t throw myself on the couch as much as my legs get weak. As if I’m about to pass out, I fall into the overwhelming sensation. My knees give way and I collapse onto the leftmost cushion and sag into the pillows. The thick stuffing holds my head up. I pinch my throbbing temples. If I squeeze hard enough maybe my brain will explode. Maybe I’ll wake up and find this nightmare over.
I flick off the lamp on the side table. Ambient light from the city below drapes the living area in swaths of blue.
Today was long and exhausting before we stepped onto the red carpet. Yet, it was already tomorrow when Cassidy and I returned. We wanted to see that our sleeping angel was safe in her portable crib. Practice making another before grabbing some shut-eye. And wake to the sunshine and birdsong, ready for our family outing. We were taking Aria to the zoo.
I’ve thought about bringing the engagement ring just about everywhere and dropping to one knee. But I didn’t want the memory tied to last night, or a day we had planned for Aria. Cassidy deserves to know a proposal is all about her and what she’s brought to my life.
I also can’t face a crowd today. I lack the patience for signing autographs and posing for selfies when I’m out with my girls, anyway.
And maybe without Aria completing our trio, Cassidy won’t want me. Maybe that’s why she’s never given me a firm “yes” when I bring up our future.
I tug at my scalp, gripping fistfuls of hair and dragging it forward. My nails scrape my skin, which is hard to do since I keep them clipped short.
“She was happy about the baby.” Of the entire conversation with Dillon, those are the words that stick with me.
My wife, who after I’d poured so much into our friendship to make her happy, was happy to ask me for a divorce and raise a child on her own.
Without me.
Without him, too. I guess?
At what point would Kylie have lawyered up and driven Dillon out of the picture?
I stare blankly at the ceiling. The plaster swirls are a familiar sight. In shock and disbelief, I laid on my bed for days after Kylie died. Except the last year has drained me and I haven’t any remaining energy to trace the pattern.
I told Dillon I believed him. There’s no reason to deny it. The paper proves otherwise. Though I’m getting my own DNA test done for confirmation.
Except, if Kylie planned to keep Aria from Dillon, how do I keep her instead?
How do I give my child to the man she’s always supposed to have lived with and know she’s healthy and safe?
Dillon watched Cassidy and me form a family. He indulged us in the lie that Cassidy was a single mother, and he said it himself; he knows how much Cassidy cares for Aria. But what about me? All that time I pretended to just be the boyfriend. Haven’t I cared for Aria, too?
Shame washes over me. I’m disgusted with myself for considering stealing Aria from Dillon. I should have tried harder to find him.
He should have tried harder to find out what happened to his kid.
This disaster is Kylie’s fault. I’m so angry with her. Angrier than I was when she passed away. Because I signed the papers making her daughter an orphan. Kylie put the burden on my shoulders in more ways than one.
Restlessness from righteous indignation keeps me awake. The light coming from the wall of windows changes from blue to lavender to a hazy yellow-red as the sun rises.
The soft click of a door makes me tilt my head. Wearing her rumpled gown and the jewelry I purchased for her, a wary Cassidy approaches me like I’m a wounded animal.
I’m sure she wondered why I didn’t join her after Dillon left and I don’t have the strength to explain I feel like I’ve let everyone down and that maybe I didn’t deserve her comforting me.
Cassidy’s face is blotchy, washed unevenly by her tears. Her makeup is smeared and she has puffy raccoon eyes from crying.
I can’t believe she lets me see her looking this way. Natural. Not hiding who she is or her emotions. Every time I think Cassidy can’t be more beautiful, she proves me wrong.
My tie hangs over the arm of the couch. At some point, I rolled my shirtsleeves to keep from getting hot, though I’ve sweated through my dress shirt.
I twist my lips, and bring my thumb up to stroke my chin. If my hand is close to my face maybe I can stop her from seeing me cry.
But my thumb and my forefinger find my eye sockets and holding back the emotions is useless.
I’m not Isaiah Roomer, country singing sensation.
I’m just Isaiah. A man like any other, who, once again, can’t stop the floor from falling out from under his feet.
“I don’t know how to make it stop hurting,” I choke out. My body quakes with racked sobs as I break down.
She stands before me with a steady hand on my shoulder as I rest my forehead on her stomach.
“I know.” Her voice breaks.
I dare to look up. “Do you know how many women have thrown themselves at me? How many I was attracted to that I turned down to avoid a scandal? I was faithful because she needed good PR. Meanwhile my wife, whose reputation I was looking out for, slept with her manager and the bus driver and whomever the fuck else she wanted!” My ire is misdirected.
Cassidy doesn’t move. The compassion emanating from her surrounds my misery, allowing me to speak without worry or explaining my already overwhelming humiliation.
“It wasn’t part of the deal. Kylie used our friendship and she turned me into a fool.” I shake my head, smashing the wetness from my eyes as I shut them tight. “And the saddest part is, if you dropped me into the past to when we agreed to get married, I wouldn’t hesitate to do it all over again. What does that say about me, Cass? What does it say about my character that Kylie gave me the best gifts I’ve ever received—the chance to be a dad. To watch how selfless you are and to learn that I’ll never love anyone as much as I love you—to have that all ripped away. She’s taking our baby. Ours, chou. Aria is ours. Kylie’s dead and she’s ruining the life I had to rebuild! She’s crushing our dreams. We’re left with less than the crumbs.”
Cassidy cradles my cheeks in her palm. “You told me you were caring for Aria until you found her father.”
“No.” My face crumbles. “I don’t want that anymore. I love her.”
I was Kylie’s safe spot and look where that got me. Hurt and used. Making excuses for my emotionally unavailable mother and reliant upon a slim support system. Before my wife died, I’d been ready, waiting to settle down.
I want a family.
“I know you do. I know you do,” she whispers, licking a tear that’s fallen onto her lip.
“You’re her mother.” My stomach clenches.
“No.” A wretched sob racks her chest. “I’m not.”
“We’re her parents.” I grab her hip.
She lifts her skirt so she can straddle my lap. “We’re the people who loved her when her parents couldn’t.”
“How can we let her go?” I thumb her tears. I made her cry.
Cassidy’s ass rests on my knees. She leans forward, tucking her head under my chin and covering me like a warm blanket. “Because we love her, Isaiah. Aria won’t remember Kylie. She’ll be an adult before she comprehends everything your wife put you through, and she’ll have a long road to travel to make peace with who Kylie was and not believe any of this was her fault. But Aria will never forget you loved her enough to do the right thing.”
“How?”
“Because, even if we’re Aria’s second choice while she’s growing up, even if it means we have to scrounge for the morsels Dillon allows us, we’ll be there for her. And if her world ever crumbles, she needs to know we’re still the safe spot she can land.”